Adventurer #06: Оттяг - Юмористическая коллекция абсурдных списков

           (C) Bogie of Extacy 3

               Marazmiki
      ─────────────────────────────
      Taken from the book "Stupid Lists"

╔───────────────────────────────────────╗
│  10 reasons why dinosaurs went extinct │
╚───────────────────────────────────────╝

 1. They all caught AIDS.  
 2. The ancestors of V. S. Chernomyrdin had a "brilliant" idea to hunt them for sport.  
 3. They were all gay.  
 4. Their diet had too much cholesterol.  
 5. They suffered from narcissism and didn't notice each other.  
 6. It's the fault of Tori.  
 7. It's the fault of the Japanese.  
 8. They worked too much, ate a lot of fatty food, and spent too much time in front of the TV.  

 9. They smoked 60 cigarettes a day.  
10. They lived near a primitive nuclear station, and all their offspring caught blood cancer.  


╔───────────────────────────────────────╗
│  10 rivals for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles │
╚───────────────────────────────────────╝

 1. Elderly radioactive ocelots who practice kung fu.  
 2. Prepubescent trained wild animals who are into jiu-jitsu.  
 3. Deformed teenage sony-taiboxers.  
 4. Karate badgers marked with isotopes during menopause.  
 5. Hot elderly judo-kangaroos.  
 6. Senior nuclear origami sheep.  
 7. Toxic guinea pigs with black belts who are over thirty.  
 8. Limping idiotic samurai lice.  

 9. Prematurely aged half-dead earthworm kamikaze.  
10. Underdeveloped plutonium bison-hitachi.  


╔───────────────────────────────────────╗
│   6 alternative names for Friday,  │
│   if Robinson Crusoe met him on    │
│          another day                │
╚───────────────────────────────────────╝

   Monday           Saturday  
   Thursday         Sunday  
   Tuesday          Wednesday  

╔───────────────────────────────────────╗
│ 10 things Vincent Van Gogh could not do │
╚───────────────────────────────────────╝

 1. Count to two using his ears.  
 2. Fully use a player.  
 3. Hold more than one brush behind his ears.  

 4. Wear dark glasses in such a way that they fit properly.  
 5. Wear earrings in both ears.  
 6. Pretend to be a person with two ears.  
 7. Earn the nickname "Cheburashka."  
 8. Hand on heart, say he never injured his head.  
 9. Smile from ear to ear.  
10. Discuss the quality of the stereo recording.  

╔───────────────────────────────────────╗
│   10 things you can shout quietly,   │
│     sneaking up from behind to       │
│           your grandpa               │
╚───────────────────────────────────────╝

 1. Boo! (pretending to be a ghost)  
 2. You're about to die, Russian soldier.  
 3. Hand over your money, old man!  
 4. Grandpa! Hurry! Your butt is on fire!  
 5. Rhinos! Rhinos!  
 6. Air raid! Get down, guys! Get down!  

 7. Grandpa! The hospital is calling; they want their pacemaker back.  
 8. Grandpa! Your catheter is leaking!  
 9. They found you! Run!  
10. Grandma is dead!  

╔───────────────────────────────────────╗
│     10 things it would be silly to   │
│   say to someone who came to buy     │
│              your house              │
╚───────────────────────────────────────╝

 1. Sorry for the mess: a psychic was just here.  
 2. We laughed so hard when we found out that the guys from Na-Na used to live here.  
 3. I heard that the land rent will soon increase by 12%.  
 4. I'll give it to you for a hundred grand.  
 5. Rats? It's too damp for them here!  
 6. After the fifth robbery, we decided we had enough.  
 7. This? Ah! We think it's a bloodstain.  

 8. There's a gang of Chechens living nearby. They shoot occasionally, but they're pretty nice guys.  
 9. Get lost!  
10. Try not to lean on that wall - it might collapse.  


╔───────────────────────────────────────╗
│   10 things you can give to a deaf   │
│        relative                     │
╚───────────────────────────────────────╝

 1. An issue of "What Hi-Fi."  
 2. A large hearing trumpet with a beautiful pattern.  
 3. A talking parrot.  
 4. A new Sting album.  
 5. A mobile phone.  
 6. A doorbell with a pleasant sound.  
 7. An audio cassette of the staged adaptation of Frederick Forsyth's "The Day of the Jackal."  
 8. A guide dog.  

 9. An alarm clock.  
10. A balloon that needs to be attached to his butt so that it signals him when he farts!  


╔───────────────────────────────────────╗
│    10 most commonly found items      │
│    removed from natural openings of  │
│   the human body in the emergency room │
╚───────────────────────────────────────╝

 1. Zucchinis smeared with grease.  
 2. Flashlights with rubber handles.  
 3. Souvenir models of the Eiffel Tower.  
 4. Tubes of shaving cream (half-empty).  
 5. Umbrellas (half-open).  
 6. Police batons.  
 7. Rolling pins.  
 8. Rolled-up TV program guides. (Oh, yes, das ist fantastisch!)  
 9. Electric bulbs.  

10. Hands (still attached to their embarrassed owners).  

         ──────────────────────── 

     Das... As they say - the madness grew stronger. And now, indulge in a little test. By the way, I came up with it myself.  


       (C) Fedorov "Chasm" Vladimir  

Contents of the publication: Adventurer #06

• Presentation
  This is an introduction novel for the game Return to Home 4, featuring space battles and a narrative about pilot Raifus navigating challenges in a military context.
• Presentation
  The article presents K.KAV software's new game 'DEATH WORLDS: TORISTAG INVADERS RETURN TO HOME 5', a real-time strategy continuation of 'RTHЧ'. Players will battle against competitors on resource-rich planets while managing technology and military forces. The game's projected release is between late spring and summer of 1997.
• System Software Updates for ZX Spectrum - Котов А.В.
  The article reviews various software updates and utilities for ZX Spectrum, highlighting their features, usability, and performance. It provides insight into programming tools, disk management, and database applications. The tone blends critique and personal experience to inform readers about the latest developments in Spectrum software.
• Overview of ZX Spectrum Software
  The article provides a comprehensive overview of new software for ZX Spectrum, highlighting various games, their features, and recommendations for players.
• Interface
  Discussion of the ZX Spectrum's interface issues and user frustrations with compatibility and modern enhancements. The author critiques the push for users to modify their machines for non-standard features and expresses dissatisfaction with current trends. Reflection on the future of the ZX Spectrum and the need for a more vibrant community involvement.
• Interface
  The article discusses feedback from readers regarding games and programming tools for ZX Spectrum. It includes cheat codes for a game, opinions on assemblers, and insights into user preferences for computing. Various reader inquiries about games and software are also addressed.
• Interface
  The article discusses issues surrounding the OVER FILE GROUP, a game developer known for mail-order sales, and the impact on user trust in software distribution. It also raises the question of whether to transition the magazine to 128K ONLY, seeking reader feedback. The piece reflects on the importance of user support for maintaining a trusted gaming community.
• Interface
  The article discusses recent news in the ZX Spectrum community, including game development updates, personal news about developers, and local happenings in the Rybinsk and Yaroslavl areas.
• Presentation
  The article presents new software releases by SURDAKAR GROUP, including a demo of ROAD FIGHTER and updates on FONT EDITOR and RAY DISK MONITOR.
• Promotion of Adventure Games
  The article provides a detailed analysis of the adventure games 'APOLLO' and 'ЧУЖОЙ', evaluating their gameplay, challenges, and shortcomings in design.
• Ottyag
  Discussion of computer slang and its impact on modern language, highlighting humorous interactions among users.
• Оттяг
  The article presents a humorous collection of absurd lists, including reasons for dinosaur extinction, alternative names for Robinson Crusoe's Friday, and more.
• Ottyag
  The article presents a test for aspiring demo makers, assessing their skills and commitment to demo creation on the ZX Spectrum. It evaluates their approaches to music, graphics, effects, and their overall engagement with the demo scene. Results determine their standing from novice to expert in the demoscene community.
• What Not to Say or Do When Drunk
  The article provides humorous advice on what to avoid saying or doing when drunk, based on personal anecdotes. It emphasizes the consequences of poor decisions and offers cautionary tips. The content is lighthearted and reflects on typical drunken behaviors and their repercussions.
• Friendship Quiz
  The article presents a humorous quiz about friendship, evaluating how friends would react in various social scenarios, culminating in a scoring system to assess the depth of one’s friendships.
• Ottag
  Статья представляет собой сборник китайских пословиц с юмористическим подтекстом, отражающих различные аспекты жизни и отношений. Она сочетает в себе элементы сатиры и легкого фольклора, используя ироничные наблюдения о человеческом поведении. Текст включает в себя аллюзии на сексуальность, настольные игры и религиозные вопросы.
• Оттяг
  Статья представляет собой пародийное евангелие, где события жизни Иисуса Христа изображаются в неформальном и юмористическом ключе.
• Experience Sharing
  The article provides a detailed guide on creating a complete disk version of a program for ZX Spectrum, including code examples and practical advice.
• Experience Exchange
  The article provides a comparative analysis of the PC and Amiga platforms, highlighting their respective advantages and disadvantages based on personal experience.
• Experience Exchange
  The article discusses the existence and behavior of computer viruses on the ZX Spectrum, particularly the BASIC file infecting virus known as 'Drunken Djinn', first seen in the game Last Battle.
• Code Protection Methods
  The article discusses various methods of software code protection, detailing techniques like inversion masking, obfuscation, P-code, cryptographic algorithms, and the use of ISR. Each method is evaluated for effectiveness and application, particularly within the ZX Spectrum environment. The author invites further information and collaboration on information security methods.
• Anniversary
  The article celebrates the sixth issue of 'ADVENTURER,' marking one year since the founding of the AURYN group. It reflects on the past year for the Speccy community, including the emergence of new programs and the first demomakers' gathering in the CIS. The author expresses hope for the future of Speccy and encourages readers to support and promote the platform.
• Anniversary
  Article celebrates the 15th anniversary of the Spectrum, reflecting on its enduring legacy and recent developments in hardware and software.
• Novella
  The article narrates a novella centered on a covert mission involving a programmer named Gerald O'Brien, who is hired by a drug lord called Swede to infiltrate a rival's computer network, leading to a thrilling sequence of espionage and violence.
• Contest
  The article discusses a contest related to ZX Spectrum, showcasing submissions and participants' creativity.
• Advertisement
  The article is an advertisement section in Adventurer #06, inviting hackers, programmers, artists, and musicians to contribute to the ZX Spectrum community. It outlines collaboration opportunities, offers specific requirements for software submissions, and includes contact information for advertising and game distribution. Additionally, it promotes a range of ZX Spectrum software and services available across various cities.