(C) Davos
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─══┼ THE TALES OF SERGEANT JOHNLAN ┼══─
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The first story, in which old man Johnlan shares with his grandson memories of his first assignment, while the grandson shares a beer with his grandfather...
* * *
- Deed!!! - a desperate cry came from the children's room, - Come here! Old man Johnlan, the very Johnlan who was once the sergeant of the fearsome "LASER PLATOON," sat in his armchair, trying to pack a bowl of grass with trembling, unruly hands. The heart-wrenching scream of his grandson made the old man flinch - as a result, a certain amount of grass was spilled on the floor. - Tch, - Johnlan said, adjusting his glasses on his nose, spitting displeasedly on the floor and smearing the spit with his foot. - Grandpa! - the grandson screamed again from the children's room, - Damn, come here! I can't bring the beer to you!... - If the beer doesn't come to Johnlan, then Johnlan goes to the beer, - Johnlan muttered. Getting up from his chair, the old man shuffled into the children's room. The grandson was sitting on a box of beer, shouting loudly. Seeing his grandfather, the grandson quieted down and moved from the box to his grandfather's lap. - Grandpa, - the grandson said, giving his grandfather's goatee a hard tug to get him to look away from the beer and at him, Remember how you promised to tell me about your youth yesterday?.. - Huh? - Well, we had a deal, remember? I bring you a box of beer, and you tell me a story from your youth... - I remember, I remember... Give me some beer... - Here... - Hey!... Put the bottle down! You're too young!!!... Not mine, yours!!! What an uncomprehending one... Johnlan took a sip from the bottle and burped contentedly. Wiping his lips, Johnlan sat his grandson in the chair and himself on a stool closer to the box of beer... - So, what were you babbling about? - Johnlan asked his grandson. The grandson smoothed his blue hair (acid, such is the time!) and rolled a joint, puffing it. And he babbled: - Well, tell me about your youth... - About my youth... Well, listen...
* * *
- ... It was a long time ago... You, grandson, weren't even in the projects yet.... - Grandpa, what are you talking about?.. - Don't interrupt! - Johnlan snapped, giving his grandson a light smack, - I'm starting... - Well, I don't have time to listen to this nonsense! You better tell me about the war!.. - I don't have time for that either... I'm too old for this... - Alright, Grandpa, here - all the beer is yours... Go on... - the grandson scratched his head and stared expectantly at his grandfather. - All mine? - Johnlan asked again, - Well then listen. I'll tell you about my first combat assignment... But don't interrupt me!
* * *
- ... It was a long time ago. I had just received the rank of sergeant. I think it was the year 2459... But that's not important. There was no shortage of girls - I remember once we three hooked up with eight girls and... But that's for another time, now it's about the war... One fine day, or maybe night, I can't remember, I was awakened by a call on the internal virtual line - I was summoned to headquarters for an important matter. I got off the girl... Yes, I remembered, it was at night... So, I got off the girl, dressed, put on some cologne, and in thirty minutes I was already at headquarters. "Sergeant Johnlan," - my boss said to me, - "You have an assignment. A freebie!" "What kind, sir? Will I get a promotion?" - I asked my boss. The boss, a major, an old bald stump, gave me a nasty look and hissed: "You will get four commandos! And a promotion... Do you know the regulations?" "Yes," - I lied, - "I know!" "And do you know what happens when your boss calls you on the virtual line while you're busy with a girl?" - my boss continued. "Yes," - I said, - "I don't know..." "What?!" - my boss shrieked, - "For that offense - sex during work hours - you know, they give you a demotion! What time is it now?" "Three in the morning," - I said, looking at my watch. "You fool!" - my boss spat, "Right now, martial law is declared, it's the terrorists' time, damn it!" "I'm a sergeant," - I said proudly. "And here's your promotion!" - my boss smiled self-satisfiedly, revealing his toothless gums. - "You came to me with a GROSS violation of the regulations, you were facing demotion! Not only that, you were automatically reduced to a private, but - being a good soul, I spared you and promoted you back to sergeant. So you have a promotion in advance. Heh-heh..." Can you imagine, grandson, how crushed I was! I was as mad as a hornet and ready to bite my boss's fat neck... But I held back. I was, you know, intrigued by the assignment! "What is the assignment, sir?" - I asked my boss. "Ah, just a trivial matter," - my boss waved his short, thick hand, - "In a hard-to-reach mountainous area, a maniac has settled!" You know, grandson, I think there's a tiny maniac in each of us. I told my boss that... "You're just a sexual pervert!" my boss yelled again, - "You don't want to listen to a smart person! You got off the girl and here you are, talking such crap to your boss! Maniac! You're the maniac!" Cooling down, the old stump continued: "So this maniac is not a sexual one, mind you, but a crazy one! He has a house in the mountains, surrounded by picturesque trees. In his underground hangars, he has nuclear missiles aimed at strategically important targets. He has a platoon of combat droids as guards. Well, that's basically all we know about him." I was silent and thought. Or pretended to think. Finally, it dawned on me that they were planning to throw me to the wolves as a sacrifice to some maniac. I said: "Well, no way... Not going to happen..." "What do you mean?" - my boss didn't understand me, - "Still imagining yourself on top of a girl?" "No," - I said, - "I'm talking about your assignment!" "Just forget about it!" - my boss said, - "You're not going alone on this mission, after all. Along with you, there will be four commandos - the coolest fighters of our squad! Here, get to know them!" The boss said something over the intercom, and after a while, four completely drunk paratroopers staggered into his office. Covered in vomit from head to toe, my future subordinates made a very repulsive impression on me. Looking at their faces, I realized that my boss had once again played me for a fool - these guys were untested rookies, I could tell by their vomit-stained "GTO-1" badges. "What is this?" - I asked my boss. "Your people!" - he replied haughtily, - "Commandos. The elite platoon of our squad!". Meanwhile, my people had fallen to the floor and were snoring. Hand grenades and knife handles were sticking out of their camouflage pockets. Well... "Meet them," - the boss struggled to get out from behind the desk and approached the lying commandos. Kicking one with his boot, the boss said: "This is Stone. He brilliantly handles a knife and all kinds of weapons." Kicking the next one, the boss looked at his unshaven face and said: "Harris. An expert on security systems. Naturally, he also brilliantly handles all kinds of weapons, both firearms and cold..." "This is Anderson, a sniper. And this bruiser is Turner, just a jack-of-all-trades." - the boss returned to his desk, "They will be loaded into a flyer now, I think you can find your way there yourself... What's with you?" My jaw dropped... I stood there like a fool, staring at the vomit-covered rookies before me... "Sir," - I said, struggling to get the words out, - "These are untested rookies!" "It’s okay, it’s okay," - my boss reassured me, - "They'll get tested, it's a matter of minutes! Or are you bothered by the fact that they are drunk? Well, you can understand them," - the boss chuckled briefly, "First mission and all that! Don't worry, while flying they'll sober up!..."
* * *
Johnlan fell silent, buried in his beer bottle. The grandson shook his grandfather's shoulder: - Grandpa, grandpa, what happened next? - Next, - Johnlan's tongue began to slur slightly (half a box of beer was already empty), - Next we were loaded into the flyer and flew to our landing site...
* * *
-... We flew quite quickly, in just three days. As my boss promised, the landing site was hard to reach. There were mountains and trees everywhere... In general, it was beautiful, but we were not here to admire nature's beauty. The flyer hovered above the ground, and a disheveled head of the pilot popped out of the cabin: "Come on, jump out! We’ve arrived!..". I looked down - the ground was at least two meters away. "What?" - I shouted back at the pilot, "Are you crazy? Give us parachutes!" The commandos also shouted in unison for parachutes. But the pilot, grandson, turned out to be a crafty guy - he tilted the flyer, and we spilled out of the hatch like peas... Alright, I thought, screw the pilot, we'll settle that later. The flyer, blowing us with smoke, flew back. The commandos, groaning, got up from the rocky ground and looked around. As I said, the area was beautiful - mountains, forests... Maniacs... I decided to take command into my hands. Turning to the commandos, I solemnly declared: "Guys! We have an important mission to capture the maniac-chumandos and his robots, as well as to disable the nuclear warheads..." "What to disable?" - Stone asked. "The warheads... These... Nuclear..." - I was a bit embarrassed, - "In short, Harris and Turner will distract the combat droids, Anderson and Stone - you will take care of the chumandos, that is, damn!.. E-e-e... Sorry, Stone... Wipe it on the handkerchief... I meant to say that Anderson and Stone should take care of the maniac. Clear?" "Sir," - Harris said. (By the way, I was flattered by the word "sir.") "Well, what?" - I casually tossed, just like my boss! "And what will you be doing?" - asked the persistent Harris. Actually, grandson, I planned to sit on a stump in the woods and wait for the guys... But I couldn't show my true intentions to my team! "Me?" - I asked, - "I'll be si... Excuse me, almost slipped, I meant to say that I will... I... I will... Disable the nuclear warheads!..." The soldiers seemed satisfied with my answer. So, we were all ready for battle. I instructed the guys to check their weapons one more time. "And why?" - Anderson said, - "We've seen them a hundred times already!" "Check it for the hundred and first time," - I cut off. After checking their weapons, we rushed into the little forest where the maniac lived... Everyone took their starting positions. I hid in the bushes, Anderson and Stone were fiddling with the entrance door of the maniac's hut... And the hut of the maniac was quite something! Made entirely of metal-plastic, armored windows, a bunch of various passages... In general, it was like a palace!.. From the bushes, I could see everything very well. Stone and Anderson blew up the door and disappeared into the house. I turned my head - across the clearing, Harris was running in zigzags with an orange flag in his hands, shouting loudly: "I'm here!". Two droids were chasing him, unsuccessfully trying to fry him. That’s how Harris distracted the droids. Reaching the corner of the house, Harris suddenly stopped and crouched down. A shot rang out from a bazooka - and two droids exploded. Turner came out from around the corner and waved at me. Like, I can see you. I proudly crawled out of the bushes and rushed into the blown-up entrance door...
* * *
Johnlan fell silent, only bubbling sounds were heard - he was gulping down beer... - Grandpa, what happened next? - the grandson asked again. - Next? - Johnlan asked, - Where did I stop... hic... sss?... - Well, you entered the door and... - the grandson paused. - Ah... Remembered, - Johnlan was already quite tipsy, all the beer was gone, - Well, I went through the door, and there on the bed was such a kitty, such a sec... - Grandpa, damn it! - the grandson squealed, What are you talking about? The commandos blew up the door, and you went in... - You need to clarify, - Johnlan muttered, - I've entered many doors in my life... Well... hic!.. Listen, what happened next...
* * *
- ... I entered the house. There were boot prints everywhere - I thought at the time, what a bunch of pigs Anderson and Stone had been, leaving this mess, you know... Taking small steps, I moved deeper into the house. I tightly gripped my favorite "MARSEC," and every second I turned my head around, expecting some nasty surprise from the maniac... I opened a door and entered a room. A fat kid was sitting on the couch, calmly reading a newspaper. Clattering my weapon, Stone and Anderson burst into the room. Squeaking and wildly waving at them, I signaled the commandos to be quiet. Maybe this fat guy with the newspaper was a hostage... "Everything okay? Has this maniac treated you well?" - I asked, patting the kid on the shoulder. The kid flinched and, looking at us, the police commandos, slowly opened his mouth. The newspaper fell from his chubby little hands... "Looks like he's in shock," - Stone said, examining the kid with a trembling lower lip. "He probably lost hope and didn’t expect to be freed at last," - Anderson said with tears of tenderness in his voice. "It's all good, man," - I said, lightly patting the kid on the shoulder, - "We freed you, you're no longer a hostage..." The kid raised his round eyes to us and made some indistinct sound. "Yes, yes," - I nodded, - "We are fighters of the 'LASER PLATOON,' a counter-terrorism unit. Do you know where this chumandos-maniac is hiding?" The kid, trying to say something, waved his short arms and shook his head negatively. I instructed Stone to escort the little guy to the exit, while I, along with Anderson, went to look for the maniac... Stone and the kid went into the hallway, Stone closed the door behind him. Suddenly - bang! Pop! Someone apparently fell over outside the door! Anderson and I kicked the door open into the hallway, slamming Stone, who was holding his forehead, against the wall. "Where's the hostage?!" - I yelled, shaking my "Marsec." "He hit me in the forehead!" - Stone yelled back, - "And ran somewhere down the hallway!..." "Damn!" - I cursed, and I won't tell you how... Well, I had to act quickly. I ordered Stone and Anderson to catch the hostage, while I went to look for the switch to disable the warheads... I couldn't find the switch. A moment later, the kid raced past me down the hallway, and a few seconds later, Stone and Anderson rushed after him, clattering and clanking their weapons. Spitting, I ran after the hostage. By the way, grandson, have you ever heard of hostages running away from the police? No? Me neither, and maybe that's why I chased after the hostage. "Stop!" - I shouted, firing my "Marsec" after the hostage, - "Stop! Fool, we are the police!" "I know!" - the kid squeaked in response, "And that's what scares me! I won't go down alive!" Oddly enough, the kid had a rather shrill voice. We picked up our pace, and soon Stone crashed into the hostage from behind and knocked him to the ground. Anderson, who had run up, kicked the kid in the stomach: "You jerk! Running away from us?! Little hostage! You should be grateful we caught you, or else you might have ended up with the maniac again!..." The kid cried, clutching his stomach. "Take it easy, Anderson," - I barked, - "This is a hostage, you have to be gentle!" The kid laughed through his tears. I thought for a moment that he had lost his mind. "Hostage!" - the kid squeaked, - "No way, hostage! I’m the maniac, as you like to call me - a dirty chumandos!" "Wait a minute!" - I jumped, - "I said you, maniac, are just a chumandos! By the nL!" Kicking that fat scum in the stomach, I continued: "How do I disable the nuclear warheads?" "Ha-ha! What warheads?" - the maniac giggled, - "There are none here!!!!" "What?" - I was taken aback, - "Then what is here?" "We were just dealing drugs," - the maniac said simply, - "And the warheads... I traded them for grass about two years ago..."
* * *
-... That's how it was, - Johnlan said, ruffling his grandson's hair, - That's how I completed my first assignment. We later turned the maniac over to our guys, Harris and Turner shot all the guard droids, in general, everything was fine... - Uh-huh... - said the grandson, - So this is all nonsense! No war, no mountains of corpses... - And what did you want for a measly box of beer? A story about how our platoon stretched the "OMNI CORP" commandos on the lunar base, how we hid grenades in flower pots? - At least... - Well, that's for another time... Just bring more beer - the story will be longer. - And about what? - the grandson asked. - And I'll tell you next time about how we stirred up trouble on the lunar base belonging to "OMNI CORP" and took care of their commandos... Alright, I'm going to pack a bowl... Getting up from the stool, old man Johnlan staggered off to his office...
* * *
Contents of the publication: Adventurer #08
- От автора - Shaitan
Technical details of a new program interface for ZX Spectrum. Discusses improvements and features like scrolling and color change. Provides keyboard and button navigation instructions.
- От автора
Introduction by the author and editorial team details.
- Presentation
The article presents a software installer for creating autorun disks and introduces a new adventure game created with QUILL by Dr. Laser.
- Presentation of TRICK Software
The article presents TRICK, a new software for program protection developed by Eternity Industry, and discusses its beta and commercial versions. The author, Alexander Kalinin (aka Paracels/EI), addresses previous shortcomings in the software and emphasizes its improved interface. It includes purchase details for the software and invites readers to request it.
- Presentation
The article provides a detailed user manual for HELP_Z80, a free utility for ZX Spectrum that serves as an electronic guide for Z80 microprocessor commands. It outlines how to load and use the software, including command explanations, search functions, and integration with assemblers. Additionally, it includes memory distribution, operational features, and references for further reading.
- Interface
The article discusses reader feedback on the magazine's interface, addressing concerns about pricing and software trends in the ZX Spectrum community. It features a letter from a reader expressing thoughts on game pricing and the declining number of users on the platform. Additionally, there are discussions on software developments and user engagement.
- Interface
The article shares the author's experiences after purchasing an Amiga, comparing it with a PC, and discussing its usability for games, graphics, and music, while noting some software limitations.
- Interface
The article discusses user support issues faced by hardware manufacturers SCORPION and NEMO for ZX Spectrum devices. It critiques SCORPION for poor customer service despite being a market leader, while praising NEMO for responsive support. The author expresses concerns about the overall market direction for ZX Spectrum hardware.
- Interface
Article discusses the future of the Spectrum platform, addressing user demographics, software production challenges, and hardware evolution possibilities.
- Interface
Article discusses the frustrations of a Speccy user regarding hardware issues, the challenges of modern computing, and the dedication to maintaining the Speccy platform.
- Interface
Статья рассматривает жизнь и судьбы пользователей ZX Spectrum, включая личные воспоминания автора о друзьях и их взаимодействии с компьютерами.
- System
The article reviews various software for ZX Spectrum, including text editors, audio players, and graphic utilities. It provides independent opinions on their features and usability, highlighting both strengths and weaknesses. The piece emphasizes the evolution and improvement of software tools available for this classic platform.
- Overview of Games
Overview of notable games for ZX Spectrum, highlighting their graphics, sound, and gameplay mechanics. Each entry includes a brief summary and rating. Recommended for fans of retro gaming.
- Review of Demos
The article reviews demo versions of various games, highlighting their potential and unique features. It emphasizes the scarcity of such releases in the market and evaluates the quality and gameplay mechanics of selected titles. The author shares insights into the progress and expectations for future full versions of these games.
- Guests
The article discusses the formation and activities of the Eternity Industry group, its members, projects, and future plans for releases and competitions.
- Гости - Dr. John
An interview with Felix from Virtual Brothers discusses his transition from ZX Spectrum to PC, development of the game 'Winnie the Pooh', and future plans.
- Guests
Interview with the musicians Mарат and Демон from the band 'Disgust', discussing their musical evolution, influences, and perspectives on life and creativity.
- Promotion
The article provides a detailed manual for the game 'ENCYCLOPEDIA of WAR', explaining army selection, unit types, and battle mechanics.
- Promotion
The article provides a walkthrough for the game, detailing necessary items and strategies for progressing through various challenges, including dealing with dinosaurs and navigating villages.
- Promotion
Статья представляет собой обзор arcade adventure игры 'ELOPEMENT' от Omega HG, выделяя ее особенности и советы по прохождению.
- Promotion
Статья описывает текстовую адвентюру 'Остров тьмы' на QUILL, предлагая советы для игроков. Упоминаются механики и персонажи, включая загадки и взаимодействия. В конце представлена карта острова.
- Promotion of 'Knightmare'
The article describes the game 'Knightmare', detailing its commands, gameplay mechanics, and initial quests. Players control a knight who must interact with characters and solve puzzles to progress. It serves as a manual for navigating the game's environment and objectives.
- Experience Exchange
The article critiques the adventure game 'Island of Darkness' by Paul Moskow, highlighting its illogical design, lack of detailed item descriptions, and absence of helpful hints for players.
- Experience Exchange
The article provides a detailed manual for enhancing the ZX ASM 3.0 assembler, introducing debugging features and functionalities for better program execution control on ZX Spectrum.
- Experience Exchange
The article describes a phenomenon observed with the ZX Spectrum video controller, where switching between two screens can create unexpected visual artifacts. It outlines a specific program that demonstrates this effect through rapid screen toggling. The author discusses the implications and potential applications of this behavior.
- Обмен опытом - Иван Рощин
The article is a programming guide on porting the 'iris.ss' screen saver effect from Dos Navigator to ZX Spectrum, including source code and modification tips.
- Обмен опытом - Иван Рощин
Description of the OPEN_W procedure to create window borders. Includes details on customization of symbols and dimensions. Utilizes PRSYM for symbol printing.
- Обмен опытом - Maximum
Introduction to long integer operations for game development on ZX Spectrum, including addition, subtraction, and conversion to ASCII.
- Experience Exchange
The article discusses the customization of the ART STUDIO graphic editor by creating additional modules that enhance its functionality, including features like music playback and cursor coordinates display.
- Experience Exchange
The article describes a program developed to improve the visual quality of a pixel-by-pixel moving attribute message on ZX Spectrum. It provides details on the implementation, including the use of data arrays for motion trajectory and image rendering. The program includes comments for easier understanding and can be modified for different effects.
- Оттяг
The article features humorous sketches and commentary on various aspects of life and technology, including anecdotes about a fictional character's experience with a Pentium processor.
- Pharmacist Test
The article presents humorous tests designed to identify whether someone is a real pharmacist or a fraud, featuring situational questions and scoring to gauge knowledge of pharmacy.
- Oddities and Self-Reflection in 'Оттяг'
The article 'Оттяг' presents a humorous and critical self-reflection of the author, exploring various life experiences and quirks that highlight his unusual personality traits.
- Humorous Quiz: Assess Your Sense of Humor
The article presents a humorous quiz to assess one's sense of humor and sexual attitudes through various situational questions, revealing absurd and comedic perspectives.
- Student Types Quiz
The article presents a humorous quiz to determine what kind of student you are, ranging from a party animal to a diligent scholar. It features a series of questions regarding typical student activities and responses. The results categorize students based on their score, from carefree to nerdy.
- How to Properly Torture Windows 95 - Maximum
Статья описывает иронический подход к установке и эксплуатации операционной системы Windows 95, включая способы ее 'мучения' и троллинга. В тексте используются гиперболизированные примеры взаимодействия с ОС для создания комичного эффекта. Это развлекательный материал с элементами юмора.
- Ottyag
The article is a humorous narrative featuring Winnie the Pooh and his friends returning to the Hundred Acre Wood, where their carefree life turns chaotic. It describes their antics, including drinking and misadventures, as they reunite and encounter various challenges. The story showcases the characters' personalities and interactions in a comedic light.
- Novella
The article describes a humorous novella featuring Corporal Johnlan recounting his first military mission and his interactions with a young grandchild over beers.
- Novella
Novella recounts an adventurous escape from a Glot base using a vintage spacecraft, highlighting the protagonist's encounters and clever maneuvers.
- Novella
The article describes a whimsical story about two hedgehogs, Pukhly and Zaraza, who, after a strange event, develop wings and must navigate their new reality. The story blends fantasy and humor as the characters face unexpected changes and challenges. This is a novella showcasing imaginative storytelling.
- News
The article discusses recent updates from Rybninsk related to the FunTop party, detailing contributions from various individuals and teams for the 'Adventurer' magazine and demo competitions.
- News
Статья сообщает о событиях в сообществе Спектрумистов Ярославля, включая информацию о разработчиках программного обеспечения и их текущих проектах.
- Advertisement
The article is a collection of advertisements and announcements related to ZX Spectrum, inviting collaboration from programmers, artists, and musicians, and detailing how to acquire the journal and software.
