Adventurer #08: 'Оттяг': Humorous Self-Reflection and Life Oddities

(C) Dr. Laser  
  
ARE YOU NOT A STUPID ASS BY ANY CHANCE?  
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1. In kindergarten, I was a headache for all the teachers because I refused to sleep during nap time.  
2. In elementary school, I was an excellent student.  
3. In high school, I dropped to a mediocre student (not because I got dumber, but just because I was too lazy to study).  
4. I received an exemption from physical education.  
5. I participated in various sports sections, from athletics to sambo.  
6. I achieved nothing anywhere.  
7. I was registered with three doctors.  
8. Although I felt absolutely healthy.  
9. During a medical examination, I was exempted not only from the army but also from final exams.  
10. And I didn't even know which of the three doctors to thank for it.  
11. I graduated from school with ten threes in my certificate.  
12. I thought I could enroll in a medical school without connections.  
13. And I did.  
14. I tried to prove to the teacher that you can determine iodine in iodoform using starch.  
15. And I proved it.  
16. I was a virgin until I was 16.  
17. And even after 16 - too.  
18. I never used drugs.  
19. But I had a girlfriend who was a drug addict.  
20. I didn't dare to suggest to my girlfriend to have sex, fearing that she would refuse.  
21. And when she couldn't take it anymore and suggested it herself, instead of being happy, I was scared it wouldn't work out.  
22. And indeed, it didn't work out.  
23. After that, I tried to stay away from girls (and from guys too).  
24. In Soviet times, I loved drinking kvass (only from Severodonetsk, only from a barrel, and only from a half-liter mug).  
25. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, I stopped drinking kvass because it started to look like urine (and not just in color).  
26. I didn't like drinking beer because it reminded me of sour kvass.  
27. When I visited Moscow in Soviet times, I loved drinking "Fanta" (only draft).  
28. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, I stopped drinking it because it stopped being sold and started drinking "Yupi" from packets, buying them at the wholesale market near the "Novoslobodskaya" metro station.  
29. I didn't like going to discos because I didn't know how to dance.  
30. And I still haven't learned.  
31. I photographed familiar girls, then cut out their heads from the photos and glued them to pornographic pictures.  
32. When going to rest in the Caucasian Mineral Waters, I forgot my camera at home.  
33. When going there for the second time, I took the camera, but none of the photos turned out well.  
34. I thought for a long time about which computer to buy, after which I bought the first one I came across.  
35. I thought for a long time about what this computer lacked.  
36. Realizing that it lacked a disk drive, I bought one, only to find out that the computer refused to work with it.  
37. I bought a new computer, only to discover that the disk drive was useless.  
38. I bought an imported disk drive, only to find that there were problems with the music coprocessor.  
39. I had the word "Dr." (doctor) in my pseudonym, although I hated doctors.  
40. Despite this, I received medicines from them for free.  
41. I glued a poster to the wall upside down, and when passersby pointed it out, I said, "Sorry, I'm a virgin."  
42. I wrote only one program (and it turned out to be stupid, buggy, and uninteresting).  
43. I wrote a derogatory article about a game just because I didn't have the brains to finish it.  
44. I didn't know how to program in either BASIC or Assembly.  
45. And I still haven't learned.  
46. When greeting grandmothers at the entrance, instead of saying "hello," I said "fuck you" (and no one noticed).  
47. I loved to ask stupid riddles like "Why does a dog run?" or "Why does a duck swim?"  
48. I watched "Santa Barbara," starting from episode 50.  
49. After episode 500, I stopped watching because I was completely confused about who was whose husband or lover.  
50. I accused a friend of living with a pet rat.  
51. When he justified himself by saying it was a male, I said, "So you're a gay!"  
52. And when he justified himself by saying it had died, I said, "So you're a necrophile!"  
53. And since then, I started calling him "gay necrophile."  
54. After reading "Five Orange Pips" by Conan Doyle, I started sending seeds to all my acquaintances.  
55. Not finding a secluded spot to relieve myself, I went right on the street, saying, "Better let my conscience burst than my bladder."  
56. I farted in public places.  
57. I farted in all other places.  
58. While walking with friends, I approached girls with ice cream and asked, "Can I lick your ice cream?"  
59. And when one girl, obviously scared, gave away all her ice cream and ran away, I said, "We could have shared it just fine."  
60. I approached girls with cats and asked, "Can I pet your kitty?"  
61. I asked girls what color their hair was, and after getting an answer, I asked, "And on your head?"  
62. I loved swimming in city fountains.  
63. I advised acquaintances to drink rose hips to increase potency.  
64. I bought "Laskovyi Mai" tapes.  
65. And when it went out of fashion, I started recording computer programs on those tapes.  
66. I sent a letter to television asking to participate in "Guess the Melody" (with a five-year-old photo).  
67. And when I didn't get a reply, I got offended and stopped watching it.  
68. I placed an advertisement in the local newspaper on behalf of my acquaintance, which stated, among other things, that she loved oral sex (although in reality she couldn't stand it).  
69. I wrote on the wall of the bus stop "G.O.-POWER."  
70. And also in many other places.  
71. I recalled episodes from the cartoon "Fantastic Island" while drunk and laughed a lot.  
72. And those around thought I was laughing at them and got very offended.  
73. I drove away while drunk after a triggered alarm, and the police didn't notice anything (and if they did, they had the tact not to show it).  
74. I lost my favorite jacket while drunk.  
75. After which I went around all my acquaintances asking, "Did I forget my jacket with you?"  
76. Helping a friend paint his jeans, I wrote on his butt: "FREE ENTRY."  
77. I loved watching Japanese cartoons.  
78. I didn't like games like "COMMANDO" just because I got killed right away.  
79. I only played "CONQUEST" on the first level because I considered the others too difficult.  
80. I didn't finish any game except "Ivan Tsarevich" (and even that was only thanks to hints from "ADVENTURER").  
  
Well, I think it's time to wrap up. Not because there's nothing more to say, but because I'm too lazy to write further.  
  
81. I ended the article I started just because I was too lazy to continue writing.  
  
No, seriously, it's time to wrap up. Let's summarize. If you didn't answer "yes" to ANY question, you can be calm; you're far from being a stupid ass. If you answered "yes" to SEVERAL questions, you can also be calm. As they say, it happens to everyone. If you answered "yes" to about HALF of the questions, then, although you're far from being a stupid ass, you have every chance of becoming one. If you answered "yes" to MOST of the questions, you're halfway to being a stupid ass, and if you don't take measures, you'll overcome the remaining half so quickly that you won't even notice it. If you answered "yes" to ALL questions, then either you're a stupid ass, or you've just lived in Severodonetsk for a long time.  
  
There seems to be some interesting dislike from the author towards the glorious Ukrainian city of Severodonetsk. Or maybe there really are "peculiar" people living there... I don't know, but the test amused me, although a couple of the points mentioned applied to me, even though those around me don't consider me a STUPID ASS.  
  
And now our Rybinsk tests :

Contents of the publication: Adventurer #08

• От автора - Shaitan
  Technical details of a new program interface for ZX Spectrum. Discusses improvements and features like scrolling and color change. Provides keyboard and button navigation instructions.
• От автора
  Introduction by the author and editorial team details.
• Presentation
  The article presents a software installer for creating autorun disks and introduces a new adventure game created with QUILL by Dr. Laser.
• Presentation of TRICK Software
  The article presents TRICK, a new software for program protection developed by Eternity Industry, and discusses its beta and commercial versions. The author, Alexander Kalinin (aka Paracels/EI), addresses previous shortcomings in the software and emphasizes its improved interface. It includes purchase details for the software and invites readers to request it.
• Presentation
  The article provides a detailed user manual for HELP_Z80, a free utility for ZX Spectrum that serves as an electronic guide for Z80 microprocessor commands. It outlines how to load and use the software, including command explanations, search functions, and integration with assemblers. Additionally, it includes memory distribution, operational features, and references for further reading.
• Interface
  The article discusses reader feedback on the magazine's interface, addressing concerns about pricing and software trends in the ZX Spectrum community. It features a letter from a reader expressing thoughts on game pricing and the declining number of users on the platform. Additionally, there are discussions on software developments and user engagement.
• Interface
  The article shares the author's experiences after purchasing an Amiga, comparing it with a PC, and discussing its usability for games, graphics, and music, while noting some software limitations.
• Interface
  The article discusses user support issues faced by hardware manufacturers SCORPION and NEMO for ZX Spectrum devices. It critiques SCORPION for poor customer service despite being a market leader, while praising NEMO for responsive support. The author expresses concerns about the overall market direction for ZX Spectrum hardware.
• Interface
  Article discusses the future of the Spectrum platform, addressing user demographics, software production challenges, and hardware evolution possibilities.
• Interface
  Article discusses the frustrations of a Speccy user regarding hardware issues, the challenges of modern computing, and the dedication to maintaining the Speccy platform.
• Interface
  Статья рассматривает жизнь и судьбы пользователей ZX Spectrum, включая личные воспоминания автора о друзьях и их взаимодействии с компьютерами.
• System
  The article reviews various software for ZX Spectrum, including text editors, audio players, and graphic utilities. It provides independent opinions on their features and usability, highlighting both strengths and weaknesses. The piece emphasizes the evolution and improvement of software tools available for this classic platform.
• Overview of Games
  Overview of notable games for ZX Spectrum, highlighting their graphics, sound, and gameplay mechanics. Each entry includes a brief summary and rating. Recommended for fans of retro gaming.
• Review of Demos
  The article reviews demo versions of various games, highlighting their potential and unique features. It emphasizes the scarcity of such releases in the market and evaluates the quality and gameplay mechanics of selected titles. The author shares insights into the progress and expectations for future full versions of these games.
• Guests
  The article discusses the formation and activities of the Eternity Industry group, its members, projects, and future plans for releases and competitions.
• Гости - Dr. John
  An interview with Felix from Virtual Brothers discusses his transition from ZX Spectrum to PC, development of the game 'Winnie the Pooh', and future plans.
• Guests
  Interview with the musicians Mарат and Демон from the band 'Disgust', discussing their musical evolution, influences, and perspectives on life and creativity.
• Promotion
  The article provides a detailed manual for the game 'ENCYCLOPEDIA of WAR', explaining army selection, unit types, and battle mechanics.
• Promotion
  The article provides a walkthrough for the game, detailing necessary items and strategies for progressing through various challenges, including dealing with dinosaurs and navigating villages.
• Promotion
  Статья представляет собой обзор arcade adventure игры 'ELOPEMENT' от Omega HG, выделяя ее особенности и советы по прохождению.
• Promotion
  Статья описывает текстовую адвентюру 'Остров тьмы' на QUILL, предлагая советы для игроков. Упоминаются механики и персонажи, включая загадки и взаимодействия. В конце представлена карта острова.
• Promotion of 'Knightmare'
  The article describes the game 'Knightmare', detailing its commands, gameplay mechanics, and initial quests. Players control a knight who must interact with characters and solve puzzles to progress. It serves as a manual for navigating the game's environment and objectives.
• Experience Exchange
  The article critiques the adventure game 'Island of Darkness' by Paul Moskow, highlighting its illogical design, lack of detailed item descriptions, and absence of helpful hints for players.
• Experience Exchange
  The article provides a detailed manual for enhancing the ZX ASM 3.0 assembler, introducing debugging features and functionalities for better program execution control on ZX Spectrum.
• Experience Exchange
  The article describes a phenomenon observed with the ZX Spectrum video controller, where switching between two screens can create unexpected visual artifacts. It outlines a specific program that demonstrates this effect through rapid screen toggling. The author discusses the implications and potential applications of this behavior.
• Обмен опытом - Иван Рощин
  The article is a programming guide on porting the 'iris.ss' screen saver effect from Dos Navigator to ZX Spectrum, including source code and modification tips.
• Обмен опытом - Иван Рощин
  Description of the OPEN_W procedure to create window borders. Includes details on customization of symbols and dimensions. Utilizes PRSYM for symbol printing.
• Обмен опытом - Maximum
  Introduction to long integer operations for game development on ZX Spectrum, including addition, subtraction, and conversion to ASCII.
• Experience Exchange
  The article discusses the customization of the ART STUDIO graphic editor by creating additional modules that enhance its functionality, including features like music playback and cursor coordinates display.
• Experience Exchange
  The article describes a program developed to improve the visual quality of a pixel-by-pixel moving attribute message on ZX Spectrum. It provides details on the implementation, including the use of data arrays for motion trajectory and image rendering. The program includes comments for easier understanding and can be modified for different effects.
• Оттяг
  The article features humorous sketches and commentary on various aspects of life and technology, including anecdotes about a fictional character's experience with a Pentium processor.
• Pharmacist Test
  The article presents humorous tests designed to identify whether someone is a real pharmacist or a fraud, featuring situational questions and scoring to gauge knowledge of pharmacy.
• Oddities and Self-Reflection in 'Оттяг'
  The article 'Оттяг' presents a humorous and critical self-reflection of the author, exploring various life experiences and quirks that highlight his unusual personality traits.
• Humorous Quiz: Assess Your Sense of Humor
  The article presents a humorous quiz to assess one's sense of humor and sexual attitudes through various situational questions, revealing absurd and comedic perspectives.
• Student Types Quiz
  The article presents a humorous quiz to determine what kind of student you are, ranging from a party animal to a diligent scholar. It features a series of questions regarding typical student activities and responses. The results categorize students based on their score, from carefree to nerdy.
• How to Properly Torture Windows 95 - Maximum
  Статья описывает иронический подход к установке и эксплуатации операционной системы Windows 95, включая способы ее 'мучения' и троллинга. В тексте используются гиперболизированные примеры взаимодействия с ОС для создания комичного эффекта. Это развлекательный материал с элементами юмора.
• Ottyag
  The article is a humorous narrative featuring Winnie the Pooh and his friends returning to the Hundred Acre Wood, where their carefree life turns chaotic. It describes their antics, including drinking and misadventures, as they reunite and encounter various challenges. The story showcases the characters' personalities and interactions in a comedic light.
• Novella
  The article describes a humorous novella featuring Corporal Johnlan recounting his first military mission and his interactions with a young grandchild over beers.
• Novella
  Novella recounts an adventurous escape from a Glot base using a vintage spacecraft, highlighting the protagonist's encounters and clever maneuvers.
• Novella
  The article describes a whimsical story about two hedgehogs, Pukhly and Zaraza, who, after a strange event, develop wings and must navigate their new reality. The story blends fantasy and humor as the characters face unexpected changes and challenges. This is a novella showcasing imaginative storytelling.
• News
  The article discusses recent updates from Rybninsk related to the FunTop party, detailing contributions from various individuals and teams for the 'Adventurer' magazine and demo competitions.
• News
  Статья сообщает о событиях в сообществе Спектрумистов Ярославля, включая информацию о разработчиках программного обеспечения и их текущих проектах.
• Advertisement
  The article is a collection of advertisements and announcements related to ZX Spectrum, inviting collaboration from programmers, artists, and musicians, and detailing how to acquire the journal and software.