Adventurer #08: Оттяг: Юмористический тест на чувство юмора и сексуальность

(C) dr. John  
DO YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?  
1. If someone called you a "hat"...  
a) you immediately run to buy a bandana.  
b) you shout in their ear: "You're the one with glasses!"  
c) you reply: "At least it's fashionable!"  
2. If your girlfriend gave you "heat"...  
a) you drink a barrel of "SPRITE".  
b) you call "01".  
c) you thank her for giving you the fire of her soul.  
3. If a damn gopnik told you to "get lost", you...  
a) walk to the nearest intersection.  
b) start insisting that you don’t like long trips.  
c) walk even further.  
4. If, upon arriving there, you were sent "to three letters"...  
a) you immediately run to "MMM".  
b) you claim you've already been to BAM. (ADV: BAM - a district of Rybinsk)  
c) you go back from where you came.  
5. If your place was robbed...  
a) you tell yourself: "Happiness is not in money" and drown your sorrows in alcohol.  
b) you report it to the police.  
c) you go and rob your neighbor in revenge.  
6. If at a party you "got hit on the head"...  
a) you're glad it wasn't on the neck.  
b) you refuse to accept it.  
c) you boast that now your head won't be cold.  
7. If your girlfriend suddenly offered to clean the floor at your place...  
a) you ask her to wash the dishes afterwards.  
b) you note that she has developed a taste for the beautiful floor, and that you'll be jealous.  
c) you're happy that she finally has an interest in sexual life.  
8. If a homosexual made you an indecent proposal, you...  
a) agree to not offend him. (FUCK OFF!!!)  
b) thank him but refuse.  
c) believe in love at first sight and undergo gender reassignment surgery.  
9. If someone stepped on your foot, you...  
a) ask: "What, didn’t you learn to stand on your own two feet?"  
b) are glad that someone wants to stand with you on friendly terms.  
c) ask if it's comfortable for him to stand and, without waiting for an answer, give him a "smack".  
10. If you got hit at work with a ruble...  
a) you're glad it wasn't a hundred ruble coin.  
b) you inform everyone that now you're "in the strike".  
c) you write that from now on you should only be hit with dollars.  

So, let's summarize:  
1 A-3 6 A-5  
  B-10  B-3  
  C-5  C-10  
2 A-5 7 A-3  
  B-10  B-5  
  C-3  C-10  
3 A-10 8 A-5  
  B-3  B-3  
  C-5  C-10  
4 A-10 9 A-5  
  B-5  B-10  
  C-3  C-3  
5 A-10 10 A-5  
  B-3  B-3  
  C-5  C-10  

80-100  
You have an amazing sense of humor. People like you are called "a good guy". You won't miss any opportunity, especially if... you don't have to do anything.  
50-79  
You're neither fish nor fowl. You're probably a vegetable. You need to change your lifestyle, try to do it as soon as possible.  
35-49  
If you keep dragging your feet, the funniest things are still ahead of you!  
0-34  
Hey! You're an idiot! You need isolation from society, you don't belong in our crowd, you deserve the title of "super loser".  
0 points  
This indicates your indifferent attitude towards the test. It means you are either a sensible, clear-thinking person or a very big jerk who is too lazy to answer the questions.  

What can I say, dr. Zhenya has a rather peculiar sense of humor, and the test turned out to be unconventional as well. Let's look at another one:  
(C) dr. John  
Come on, man, let's bet that you surely consider yourself some kind of hero-lover, a PLAYBOY. But I think you're more like the rabbit depicted on its symbol and you're afraid of girls like the devil is afraid of holy water... Oh, I see you're boiling with anger!!! What? You don't like it when the truth is told to you? Calm down, calm down, dude. Better try to prove me wrong by answering these simple questions.  

ABOUT "THIS"  
1. Question "number one" (I see you're already scared). Do you like to talk about "this"?  
A. About what?  
B. That's all I talk about!  
C. What's there to talk about, action is needed!  
2. What do you think a "contraceptive" is?  
A. As if you don’t know!  
B. Whatever it is - I’ll definitely buy it.  
C. Probably the name of some spices.  
3. Before starting intimate relationships, do you like to take:  
A. A bath. That's usually where it all starts.  
B. 100 grams.  
C. A hole in the ice. And not before, but instead!  
4. Do people often tell you that you are very sexy?  
A. Much more often than you!!!  
B. If I stay late in the evening, my "parents" immediately call me a "stud"!  
C. Get lost, you rude!  
5. I'm going to ask you a tricky question now: do you like to undress in front of the mirror?  
A. Yes! I even carry 10 pieces with me (what? "ate" them!)  
B. Nah, it’s boring in front of the mirror...  
C. What haven’t I seen there?  
6. Dude, you're doing great! You've already answered half the questions, wipe the sweat... and keep answering... Who did you first learn about sexual relationships from?  
A. Figured it out myself!  
B. From my younger brother.  
C. From a conversation overheard on the bus.  
7. In the morning you wake up and find a stranger in your bed! What do you think?  
A. I was drunk...  
B. Let's take advantage of the situation!  
C. I hope she knows how to make coffee!!!  
8. When your "girl's" parents leave for a week... are you passionate with her?  
A. You bet! As soon as we get into it, the neighbors bang on the walls and beg us to be quieter (yeah... and for the "girl" you'll answer later...)  
B. The neighbors downstairs complain. Their ceiling cracked again and the chandelier fell, and recently they even called the police...  
C. Even her younger brother doesn’t complain, though he sleeps in the same room with us.  
9. Aha! Now you guess why her brother was so quiet... You catch him with a little girl... And they are trying to make love. What do you tell them?  
A. "What’s the name of this game? I call dibs!"  
B. "Do your parents know what you’re doing here?"  
C. "This is how it’s done!"  
10. Rejoice, people! This is the last question of our exam... Who do you prefer to have intimate relations with?  
A. What difference does it make to you?  
B. Quietly with myself...  
C. Do you think, who did your ex-girlfriend leave for?  

Now count your points:  
1 A-1 6 A-3  
  B-2  B-1  
  C-3  C-2  
2 A-3 7 A-1  
  B-2  B-3  
  C-1  C-2  
3 A-3 8 A-3  
  B-2  B-1  
  C-1  C-2  
4 A-1 9 A-2  
  B-3  B-1  
  C-2  C-3  
5 A-2 10 A-2  
  B-3  B-1  
  C-1  C-3  

more than 30  
Stop lying! They don't exist!  
30-23  
You're a PLAYBOY!!! Are you happy? Just don’t get too carried away, or you’ll clearly die not from cancer...  
22-18  
You have a very good attitude towards sex. But it’s not very good towards you. At best, someone will want to... go on a reconnaissance mission with you.  
17-11  
Aha! You're a rabbit, and I always had a better opinion of you... Don't worry, this secret will remain unknown to anyone... Except my gossiping girlfriend.  
10  
Maybe you're right. In life, besides sex, there are so many other things...  

That's it! I'm a good boy, I'm going bye-bye... with a girl (of course).  

Well... It's peculiar. I was especially amused by the tenth question. It’s worth quoting:  
10. Rejoice, people! This is the last question of our exam... Who do you prefer to have intimate relations with?  
A. What difference does it make to you?  
B. Quietly with myself...  
C. Do you think, who did your ex-girlfriend leave for?  

For some reason, I couldn't answer this question at all using the given options: "B" didn't satisfy me, while "A" and "C" are just gems! The question and the answer pair together very well: (C.) "Who do you prefer to have intimate relations with?" (A.) "Do you think, who did your ex-girlfriend leave for?" Cute, and most importantly, very logical. People! If you wrote a test, at least read it before sending it to us, otherwise, look what happens!  
And finally, now my creativity. Those who read say it turned out to be a cool little test.

Contents of the publication: Adventurer #08

• От автора - Shaitan
  Technical details of a new program interface for ZX Spectrum. Discusses improvements and features like scrolling and color change. Provides keyboard and button navigation instructions.
• От автора
  Introduction by the author and editorial team details.
• Presentation
  The article presents a software installer for creating autorun disks and introduces a new adventure game created with QUILL by Dr. Laser.
• Presentation of TRICK Software
  The article presents TRICK, a new software for program protection developed by Eternity Industry, and discusses its beta and commercial versions. The author, Alexander Kalinin (aka Paracels/EI), addresses previous shortcomings in the software and emphasizes its improved interface. It includes purchase details for the software and invites readers to request it.
• Presentation
  The article provides a detailed user manual for HELP_Z80, a free utility for ZX Spectrum that serves as an electronic guide for Z80 microprocessor commands. It outlines how to load and use the software, including command explanations, search functions, and integration with assemblers. Additionally, it includes memory distribution, operational features, and references for further reading.
• Interface
  The article discusses reader feedback on the magazine's interface, addressing concerns about pricing and software trends in the ZX Spectrum community. It features a letter from a reader expressing thoughts on game pricing and the declining number of users on the platform. Additionally, there are discussions on software developments and user engagement.
• Interface
  The article shares the author's experiences after purchasing an Amiga, comparing it with a PC, and discussing its usability for games, graphics, and music, while noting some software limitations.
• Interface
  The article discusses user support issues faced by hardware manufacturers SCORPION and NEMO for ZX Spectrum devices. It critiques SCORPION for poor customer service despite being a market leader, while praising NEMO for responsive support. The author expresses concerns about the overall market direction for ZX Spectrum hardware.
• Interface
  Article discusses the future of the Spectrum platform, addressing user demographics, software production challenges, and hardware evolution possibilities.
• Interface
  Article discusses the frustrations of a Speccy user regarding hardware issues, the challenges of modern computing, and the dedication to maintaining the Speccy platform.
• Interface
  Статья рассматривает жизнь и судьбы пользователей ZX Spectrum, включая личные воспоминания автора о друзьях и их взаимодействии с компьютерами.
• System
  The article reviews various software for ZX Spectrum, including text editors, audio players, and graphic utilities. It provides independent opinions on their features and usability, highlighting both strengths and weaknesses. The piece emphasizes the evolution and improvement of software tools available for this classic platform.
• Overview of Games
  Overview of notable games for ZX Spectrum, highlighting their graphics, sound, and gameplay mechanics. Each entry includes a brief summary and rating. Recommended for fans of retro gaming.
• Review of Demos
  The article reviews demo versions of various games, highlighting their potential and unique features. It emphasizes the scarcity of such releases in the market and evaluates the quality and gameplay mechanics of selected titles. The author shares insights into the progress and expectations for future full versions of these games.
• Guests
  The article discusses the formation and activities of the Eternity Industry group, its members, projects, and future plans for releases and competitions.
• Гости - Dr. John
  An interview with Felix from Virtual Brothers discusses his transition from ZX Spectrum to PC, development of the game 'Winnie the Pooh', and future plans.
• Guests
  Interview with the musicians Mарат and Демон from the band 'Disgust', discussing their musical evolution, influences, and perspectives on life and creativity.
• Promotion
  The article provides a detailed manual for the game 'ENCYCLOPEDIA of WAR', explaining army selection, unit types, and battle mechanics.
• Promotion
  The article provides a walkthrough for the game, detailing necessary items and strategies for progressing through various challenges, including dealing with dinosaurs and navigating villages.
• Promotion
  Статья представляет собой обзор arcade adventure игры 'ELOPEMENT' от Omega HG, выделяя ее особенности и советы по прохождению.
• Promotion
  Статья описывает текстовую адвентюру 'Остров тьмы' на QUILL, предлагая советы для игроков. Упоминаются механики и персонажи, включая загадки и взаимодействия. В конце представлена карта острова.
• Promotion of 'Knightmare'
  The article describes the game 'Knightmare', detailing its commands, gameplay mechanics, and initial quests. Players control a knight who must interact with characters and solve puzzles to progress. It serves as a manual for navigating the game's environment and objectives.
• Experience Exchange
  The article critiques the adventure game 'Island of Darkness' by Paul Moskow, highlighting its illogical design, lack of detailed item descriptions, and absence of helpful hints for players.
• Experience Exchange
  The article provides a detailed manual for enhancing the ZX ASM 3.0 assembler, introducing debugging features and functionalities for better program execution control on ZX Spectrum.
• Experience Exchange
  The article describes a phenomenon observed with the ZX Spectrum video controller, where switching between two screens can create unexpected visual artifacts. It outlines a specific program that demonstrates this effect through rapid screen toggling. The author discusses the implications and potential applications of this behavior.
• Обмен опытом - Иван Рощин
  The article is a programming guide on porting the 'iris.ss' screen saver effect from Dos Navigator to ZX Spectrum, including source code and modification tips.
• Обмен опытом - Иван Рощин
  Description of the OPEN_W procedure to create window borders. Includes details on customization of symbols and dimensions. Utilizes PRSYM for symbol printing.
• Обмен опытом - Maximum
  Introduction to long integer operations for game development on ZX Spectrum, including addition, subtraction, and conversion to ASCII.
• Experience Exchange
  The article discusses the customization of the ART STUDIO graphic editor by creating additional modules that enhance its functionality, including features like music playback and cursor coordinates display.
• Experience Exchange
  The article describes a program developed to improve the visual quality of a pixel-by-pixel moving attribute message on ZX Spectrum. It provides details on the implementation, including the use of data arrays for motion trajectory and image rendering. The program includes comments for easier understanding and can be modified for different effects.
• Оттяг
  The article features humorous sketches and commentary on various aspects of life and technology, including anecdotes about a fictional character's experience with a Pentium processor.
• Pharmacist Test
  The article presents humorous tests designed to identify whether someone is a real pharmacist or a fraud, featuring situational questions and scoring to gauge knowledge of pharmacy.
• Oddities and Self-Reflection in 'Оттяг'
  The article 'Оттяг' presents a humorous and critical self-reflection of the author, exploring various life experiences and quirks that highlight his unusual personality traits.
• Humorous Quiz: Assess Your Sense of Humor
  The article presents a humorous quiz to assess one's sense of humor and sexual attitudes through various situational questions, revealing absurd and comedic perspectives.
• Student Types Quiz
  The article presents a humorous quiz to determine what kind of student you are, ranging from a party animal to a diligent scholar. It features a series of questions regarding typical student activities and responses. The results categorize students based on their score, from carefree to nerdy.
• How to Properly Torture Windows 95 - Maximum
  Статья описывает иронический подход к установке и эксплуатации операционной системы Windows 95, включая способы ее 'мучения' и троллинга. В тексте используются гиперболизированные примеры взаимодействия с ОС для создания комичного эффекта. Это развлекательный материал с элементами юмора.
• Ottyag
  The article is a humorous narrative featuring Winnie the Pooh and his friends returning to the Hundred Acre Wood, where their carefree life turns chaotic. It describes their antics, including drinking and misadventures, as they reunite and encounter various challenges. The story showcases the characters' personalities and interactions in a comedic light.
• Novella
  The article describes a humorous novella featuring Corporal Johnlan recounting his first military mission and his interactions with a young grandchild over beers.
• Novella
  Novella recounts an adventurous escape from a Glot base using a vintage spacecraft, highlighting the protagonist's encounters and clever maneuvers.
• Novella
  The article describes a whimsical story about two hedgehogs, Pukhly and Zaraza, who, after a strange event, develop wings and must navigate their new reality. The story blends fantasy and humor as the characters face unexpected changes and challenges. This is a novella showcasing imaginative storytelling.
• News
  The article discusses recent updates from Rybninsk related to the FunTop party, detailing contributions from various individuals and teams for the 'Adventurer' magazine and demo competitions.
• News
  Статья сообщает о событиях в сообществе Спектрумистов Ярославля, включая информацию о разработчиках программного обеспечения и их текущих проектах.
• Advertisement
  The article is a collection of advertisements and announcements related to ZX Spectrum, inviting collaboration from programmers, artists, and musicians, and detailing how to acquire the journal and software.