Surely, you must have encountered pC? Well, then you must have worked with the "wonderful" and "very reliable" operating system wINDOWS. Personally, I have to deal with it regularly since my little brother bought himself this big calculator. Therefore, when I came across this text, I was just bubbling with laughter and pleasure. Of course, there is one "but": this material was taken from the publication "CR". We really try to publish original materials, but in this case, I decided to make an exception. Well, enough chit-chat.
(C) Maximum/INTEGER
Source - "CR" N6 for 98 year.
How to PROPERLY kill Windows'95
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For three years now, there has been a harsh, sometimes brutal struggle between human intellect and the creation of human intellect. Between us and Windows'95. There have been certain losses on both sides, but the confrontation continues, and it is still too early to say which side will prevail. Initially, of course, the advantage was entirely on the side of Windows'95. This "operating system" drove us to the brink in every known way, so much so that the epithets we would award it could easily be published as a separate book. However, over the years of brutal struggle, we have become smarter, more cautious, and now it won't take us so easily. Moreover, we have learned to mock it ourselves, turning against it what it tried to use to defeat us. So, how do we properly torment Windows'95?
The process can be divided into several stages:
1. Mockery during installation.
2. Torments during booting.
3. Sadistic actions during operation.
4. Torture using Plug and Play technology.
Now let's go into detail about each:
Mockery during installation
Slowly take out the CD containing the Windows'95 distribution (pan-European version).
Take a razor (you can borrow blades from Freddy Krueger) and carefully bring the blade close to the sectors with the distribution. Make several smooth movements with the blade, without touching the surface of the disk, or else we won't have anything to mock... A change in the color of the disk surface from yellow to red will show you that Win has already understood it is dealing with a professional. Next, turn on the "computer," bringing the disk to the monitor with its working side. Make sure that Win is already drooling with desire for closeness with this "computer," after which slowly place the disk next to the monitor (it can be on the monitor). Take out the OS/2 disk and make Win understand that you are going to install OS/2, not it. Wait for the disk color (Win) to change to green (for Win, this means it is beside itself with rage), after which quickly put the OS back in the drawer, Win should calm down. Take out DOS 3.0 (preferably from "IBM"), pretending that you are going to install it, after which you can admire the change of all the colors of the rainbow on the Win disk for a few minutes.
Well, that seems to be everything, although you can also pretend that the disk with Win won't fit into your CD-ROM, which also annoys it quite a bit. Then insert the disk with Win into the CD-ROM, delete all DOS driver configuration files for the CD-ROM, and reboot your "computer." Next, you need to loudly say several times:
"Where has my logical CD-ROM drive gone? Well, look! As soon as I put this disk with these Windows, the CD-ROM disappeared! Forget it! I won't install it! I'd rather install OS/2! At least it doesn't lose the CD-ROM!". If you say this in a sufficiently mocking tone, then after a few minutes the CD-ROM will appear in the system by itself... If you look at the Win disk at this point, it should be black. Next, launch all files on the CD except for "setup.exe," saying: "Well, look! There's not even an installer!".
Wait for "setup.exe" to appear in your command line by itself, after which gleefully delete it with Back-space and continue your mockery for another ten minutes until the CD turns purple. After that, you can start the actual installation process. Wait for the window with the license agreement to appear and click the "NO" button until Win continues the installation process on its own after this button. Then check the boxes for "CD-ROM," "Network adapter," "Sound card," after which click "Next," open your "computer" case, and remove all of this, of course, if you have it, after which enjoy Win's reaction, cheering it on with bursts of mocking laughter!
When the list of drivers appears, immediately replace "S3" with "Matrox Millennium," saying: "I don't know anything - it says Matrox on my computer's invoice." Right after installation, it is very good to play a bit with languages: first try to install all languages at once, then remove them all, then install only Japanese, and then try to achieve "interface" in Hebrew, after which demand an Eskimo regional installation from it. If the "currency" field shows "one ice cream fish," you have successfully completed this stage. For the background, it is best to use a mosaic of checkers with the words "Windows'95 must die!". It would be best if you made these checkers with the "help" of Windows' "Paint." This will give the mockery a special atmosphere. "Logo.sys" should be immediately replaced with a picture saying "OS/2 loading the most hated system - Windoze'95," after which the installation process can be considered complete...
Torments during booting
To properly anger Windows during booting, you should stuff "autoexec.bat" with as many resident programs as possible, like "Calc," "Side Kick," etc. It is also preferable that all these programs are written in Pascal. For swap files, try to leave about 50Kb - this will entertain Windows a bit... Write a small resident program that deletes swap files and all files in the "TEMP" directory every two minutes. After each Windows crash, do not let it boot in Safe mode, but choose the Logged mode (\BOOTLOG.TXT) to make it record all stages of its disgrace in this file. Good results are also achieved with the Step-by-step confirmation mode, in which you should forbid the loading of the most important drivers. Especially piquant mockery is pulling memory out of the "computer." Leave 4 megabytes there, take a read of "War and Peace," and sit next to the "computer" for a week or two, waiting for WinWord to launch, periodically encouraging Windows with sweet words: "Well, what's up, Danila! The stone flower isn't blooming?".
Sadistic actions during operation
Here the simplest way is - DOS sessions. Do not hesitate to run any programs in these windows! Only select those products that cause Windows to freeze completely upon launch, and try to turn them on at least once a day. Good results are also achieved by periodically launching a special version of "aidstest" (you can write it yourself), which, after loading, says: "A virus wINDOWOZ'95 has been detected on your computer. Performing treatment?". You can also rename "win.com" to "dos.com" and run it. The result will be an attempt by Windows to give birth to Windows within itself. Externally, this looks quite attractive and quite convincing. Windows reacts especially painfully to attempts to use what MircoSoft (this is not a mistake) for some reason called "multitasking" (although even calling THIS "dual-tasking" is difficult). Run a handful of Norton Commanders and in each of them set to copy 70 megabytes from one logical disk to another. At the same time, you must loudly shout: "Come on, come on! Faster! Higher! Stronger! Puck! Spin! Turn! Copy!", as a result of which Windows starts wildly jumping from one task to another, nervously swallowing memory, stepping on its own heels and elbows, after which the Nortons one by one crash out with cries that "this version of NC is not designed to work with the 8088 processor"...
Torture using Plug and Play technology
As I said - this method is particularly sophisticated, and with its help, fantastic results can be achieved. Windows may start with simple cries like "A strange and incomprehensible error has been detected," "What the hell? Such an error cannot exist!" and reach phenomenal levels like "I have no idea what is happening, here is Bill Gates' home phone, sort it out yourself!" You are all familiar with Windows' manner of discovering various external and internal devices by itself, and if a device is incorrectly detected, only a technical specialist who has worked for many years at MircoSoft and fully absorbed the spirit of the peculiar outlook on things that prevails in this company can explain to Windows what is actually installed there. But we, the subtle tormentors of this "system," will turn this manner to our advantage...
To start, plug some kind of board from a Japanese TV into the ISA slot. Turn on the "computer." Windows' reaction is usually unpredictable. I have encountered phrases like: "An unknown device has been detected in your computer, but I will now connect my drivers to make the device work properly," after which a new logical disk was discovered on the "computer," and attempts to write to it resulted in the phrase: "This type of media is not supported in this version of Windows'95. Please contact your dealer to obtain drivers for this device." Sometimes Windows delighted me with the message that "A video cluster of the Sony brand has been detected, but your monitor's resolution is insufficient to work with it!". Once, a message flashed by: "This device is not Plug and Play! To make it so, just remove it and put it back." However, Windows always reacted the same way to the "Rubin" TV board, declaring: "A launch device from a Soviet intercontinental missile class air-ground-eternal rest has been detected in your computer! If you are a law-abiding citizen, please turn on the modem so that I can report you to the CIA!". But even with the most standard computer peripheral devices, Windows behaved quite peculiarly.
Its reaction to some more or less modern computer boards, like Sound Blaster AWE64, is interesting. The first time it didn't see any sound card at all (even though AWE64 is Plug and Play), upon reinstallation it first uncertainly detected Sound Blaster AWE32, then stumbled upon the number 64, after which it proudly declared, "Two SB AWE32 cards have been detected on your computer." Well, MircoSoft has always been good with mathematics...
Connecting an external CD-ROM, which is connected through the printer port, caused Windows a lot of moral turmoil. First, it confidently sets out to identify it as a printer (obviously - what else could be hanging on the printer port besides a printer!), issues the majestic phrase: "A new CD-ROM printer has been detected on your computer," tries to install some software known only to it for it, then hypocritically informs that "This device may significantly slow down your computer's performance" (although in reality, the only thing that slows down my "computer" is Windows itself), then starts polling this device, receiving kicks from the CD-ROM, which clearly does not want to be printed on, after which it issues the signature phrase: "Something is trying to illegally undermine me here, but I am still fighting," the result of which is the original hang of the "system": nothing launches, except for the task list. I understand this to be its homework assignment, to reflect on its behavior.
With this, I conclude my article, thinking that someone must have caught Windows in similar antics, and I am not alone in the world of those "people" who, upon seeing a System Error window, call the company and summon a specialist...
So, did you get satisfaction? And now take a look at the screenshot on this topic:
Contents of the publication: Adventurer #08
- От автора - Shaitan
Technical details of a new program interface for ZX Spectrum. Discusses improvements and features like scrolling and color change. Provides keyboard and button navigation instructions.
- От автора
Introduction by the author and editorial team details.
- Presentation
The article presents a software installer for creating autorun disks and introduces a new adventure game created with QUILL by Dr. Laser.
- Presentation of TRICK Software
The article presents TRICK, a new software for program protection developed by Eternity Industry, and discusses its beta and commercial versions. The author, Alexander Kalinin (aka Paracels/EI), addresses previous shortcomings in the software and emphasizes its improved interface. It includes purchase details for the software and invites readers to request it.
- Presentation
The article provides a detailed user manual for HELP_Z80, a free utility for ZX Spectrum that serves as an electronic guide for Z80 microprocessor commands. It outlines how to load and use the software, including command explanations, search functions, and integration with assemblers. Additionally, it includes memory distribution, operational features, and references for further reading.
- Interface
The article discusses reader feedback on the magazine's interface, addressing concerns about pricing and software trends in the ZX Spectrum community. It features a letter from a reader expressing thoughts on game pricing and the declining number of users on the platform. Additionally, there are discussions on software developments and user engagement.
- Interface
The article shares the author's experiences after purchasing an Amiga, comparing it with a PC, and discussing its usability for games, graphics, and music, while noting some software limitations.
- Interface
The article discusses user support issues faced by hardware manufacturers SCORPION and NEMO for ZX Spectrum devices. It critiques SCORPION for poor customer service despite being a market leader, while praising NEMO for responsive support. The author expresses concerns about the overall market direction for ZX Spectrum hardware.
- Interface
Article discusses the future of the Spectrum platform, addressing user demographics, software production challenges, and hardware evolution possibilities.
- Interface
Article discusses the frustrations of a Speccy user regarding hardware issues, the challenges of modern computing, and the dedication to maintaining the Speccy platform.
- Interface
Статья рассматривает жизнь и судьбы пользователей ZX Spectrum, включая личные воспоминания автора о друзьях и их взаимодействии с компьютерами.
- System
The article reviews various software for ZX Spectrum, including text editors, audio players, and graphic utilities. It provides independent opinions on their features and usability, highlighting both strengths and weaknesses. The piece emphasizes the evolution and improvement of software tools available for this classic platform.
- Overview of Games
Overview of notable games for ZX Spectrum, highlighting their graphics, sound, and gameplay mechanics. Each entry includes a brief summary and rating. Recommended for fans of retro gaming.
- Review of Demos
The article reviews demo versions of various games, highlighting their potential and unique features. It emphasizes the scarcity of such releases in the market and evaluates the quality and gameplay mechanics of selected titles. The author shares insights into the progress and expectations for future full versions of these games.
- Guests
The article discusses the formation and activities of the Eternity Industry group, its members, projects, and future plans for releases and competitions.
- Гости - Dr. John
An interview with Felix from Virtual Brothers discusses his transition from ZX Spectrum to PC, development of the game 'Winnie the Pooh', and future plans.
- Guests
Interview with the musicians Mарат and Демон from the band 'Disgust', discussing their musical evolution, influences, and perspectives on life and creativity.
- Promotion
The article provides a detailed manual for the game 'ENCYCLOPEDIA of WAR', explaining army selection, unit types, and battle mechanics.
- Promotion
The article provides a walkthrough for the game, detailing necessary items and strategies for progressing through various challenges, including dealing with dinosaurs and navigating villages.
- Promotion
Статья представляет собой обзор arcade adventure игры 'ELOPEMENT' от Omega HG, выделяя ее особенности и советы по прохождению.
- Promotion
Статья описывает текстовую адвентюру 'Остров тьмы' на QUILL, предлагая советы для игроков. Упоминаются механики и персонажи, включая загадки и взаимодействия. В конце представлена карта острова.
- Promotion of 'Knightmare'
The article describes the game 'Knightmare', detailing its commands, gameplay mechanics, and initial quests. Players control a knight who must interact with characters and solve puzzles to progress. It serves as a manual for navigating the game's environment and objectives.
- Experience Exchange
The article critiques the adventure game 'Island of Darkness' by Paul Moskow, highlighting its illogical design, lack of detailed item descriptions, and absence of helpful hints for players.
- Experience Exchange
The article provides a detailed manual for enhancing the ZX ASM 3.0 assembler, introducing debugging features and functionalities for better program execution control on ZX Spectrum.
- Experience Exchange
The article describes a phenomenon observed with the ZX Spectrum video controller, where switching between two screens can create unexpected visual artifacts. It outlines a specific program that demonstrates this effect through rapid screen toggling. The author discusses the implications and potential applications of this behavior.
- Обмен опытом - Иван Рощин
The article is a programming guide on porting the 'iris.ss' screen saver effect from Dos Navigator to ZX Spectrum, including source code and modification tips.
- Обмен опытом - Иван Рощин
Description of the OPEN_W procedure to create window borders. Includes details on customization of symbols and dimensions. Utilizes PRSYM for symbol printing.
- Обмен опытом - Maximum
Introduction to long integer operations for game development on ZX Spectrum, including addition, subtraction, and conversion to ASCII.
- Experience Exchange
The article discusses the customization of the ART STUDIO graphic editor by creating additional modules that enhance its functionality, including features like music playback and cursor coordinates display.
- Experience Exchange
The article describes a program developed to improve the visual quality of a pixel-by-pixel moving attribute message on ZX Spectrum. It provides details on the implementation, including the use of data arrays for motion trajectory and image rendering. The program includes comments for easier understanding and can be modified for different effects.
- Оттяг
The article features humorous sketches and commentary on various aspects of life and technology, including anecdotes about a fictional character's experience with a Pentium processor.
- Pharmacist Test
The article presents humorous tests designed to identify whether someone is a real pharmacist or a fraud, featuring situational questions and scoring to gauge knowledge of pharmacy.
- Oddities and Self-Reflection in 'Оттяг'
The article 'Оттяг' presents a humorous and critical self-reflection of the author, exploring various life experiences and quirks that highlight his unusual personality traits.
- Humorous Quiz: Assess Your Sense of Humor
The article presents a humorous quiz to assess one's sense of humor and sexual attitudes through various situational questions, revealing absurd and comedic perspectives.
- Student Types Quiz
The article presents a humorous quiz to determine what kind of student you are, ranging from a party animal to a diligent scholar. It features a series of questions regarding typical student activities and responses. The results categorize students based on their score, from carefree to nerdy.
- How to Properly Torture Windows 95 - Maximum
Статья описывает иронический подход к установке и эксплуатации операционной системы Windows 95, включая способы ее 'мучения' и троллинга. В тексте используются гиперболизированные примеры взаимодействия с ОС для создания комичного эффекта. Это развлекательный материал с элементами юмора.
- Ottyag
The article is a humorous narrative featuring Winnie the Pooh and his friends returning to the Hundred Acre Wood, where their carefree life turns chaotic. It describes their antics, including drinking and misadventures, as they reunite and encounter various challenges. The story showcases the characters' personalities and interactions in a comedic light.
- Novella
The article describes a humorous novella featuring Corporal Johnlan recounting his first military mission and his interactions with a young grandchild over beers.
- Novella
Novella recounts an adventurous escape from a Glot base using a vintage spacecraft, highlighting the protagonist's encounters and clever maneuvers.
- Novella
The article describes a whimsical story about two hedgehogs, Pukhly and Zaraza, who, after a strange event, develop wings and must navigate their new reality. The story blends fantasy and humor as the characters face unexpected changes and challenges. This is a novella showcasing imaginative storytelling.
- News
The article discusses recent updates from Rybninsk related to the FunTop party, detailing contributions from various individuals and teams for the 'Adventurer' magazine and demo competitions.
- News
Статья сообщает о событиях в сообществе Спектрумистов Ярославля, включая информацию о разработчиках программного обеспечения и их текущих проектах.
- Advertisement
The article is a collection of advertisements and announcements related to ZX Spectrum, inviting collaboration from programmers, artists, and musicians, and detailing how to acquire the journal and software.
