(C) Davos
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▒╠═══ Winnie-the-Pooh and All, All, All - 2 ═══╣
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In the Evergreen Forest, life flows calmly and steadily until a little bear named Winnie-the-Pooh arrives with his gang. When Winnie and his friends come home to the familiar pines of the Evergreen Forest for a vacation, the previously peaceful and carefree life of the forest's inhabitants turns into a nightmare...
* * *
- Well, here I am at home! - Winnie, puffing on a joint, looked at the street, - Finally, I can have a great time... Piglet, looking at the world through the dark lenses of his sunglasses, loudly chewed gum and blew big bubbles, demonstrating his bubble-making skills to his friends around him. Rabbit, sitting on the suitcases, was choking on warm beer. Eeyore was unsuccessfully trying to untie his tail from the cart that had brought the suitcases. Everyone was glad to be home again...
- Well, - Winnie scratched his head and, yawning, turned to his bored friends, who were watching Eeyore struggle with the cart, Rabbit, for Pete's sake, unhook Eeyore! Piglet, drag the suitcases to the hotel... And I'm going to visit our boss Christopher...
- Yes, Winnie! - squeaked Piglet and, heavily loaded with suitcases, trudged down the dusty street, continuing to loudly chew gum and blow bubbles. Rabbit, finishing his beer, leisurely approached the cart and scrutinized it. As he suspected, Eeyore's tail was tied to the cart with several nautical knots, so it was no surprise that Eeyore couldn't get free...
- Listen, Eeyore, - Rabbit pulled a carrot out of his tattered leather jacket pocket and began to gnaw on it, - You need to cut your tail off, otherwise you can't!
- Why can't I? - Eeyore was terribly surprised, - Winnie said to unhook!
- Well...
- I don't know anything, long ears, unhook!
- But understand...
- I don't understand anything, unhook! - Eeyore stood his ground, showing real donkey stubbornness.
- Right now! - Rabbit began to crunch the carrot even louder, drowning out Eeyore's cries for help.
- Well, Rabbit, buddy!
- Right now!..
- Well, what’s the hold-up? Is it too much trouble?
- Right now! - Rabbit continued to gnaw on the carrot.
- Well Rabbit, come on, unhook! - Eeyore was almost in tears.
- Right now, - Rabbit replied, continuing to gnaw on the carrot, - Just let me finish this carrot...
* * *
The furry paw of the little bear knocked on the sturdy oak door. Silence... But then some shuffling footsteps were heard, the lock creaked, and the door opened. Through the small crack, the angry eyes of the guard looked at Winnie-the-Pooh. Blasting the arriving thug with the smell of vodka, the guard said:
- The boss is not home... What should I tell him?
- What? - Winnie looked up at the bouncer, - Um... Winnie stopped by...
- Winnie? - the guard frowned, Winnie... I need to write this down... Anything else?
- And just in case: I’m staying at the hotel...
- You’re staying at the hotel just in case? Hmm... Is that all?
- Probably, yes, - Winnie pulled out a joint from his worn leather jacket, skillfully rolled it, and puffed with an important look, - I’ll drop by again...
- Uh-huh, - the guard slammed the door shut with force. Winnie lingered a bit at the threshold, finished his joint, and leisurely, with a swagger, headed towards the hotel...
* * *
- Four rooms, the best ones, - a squeaky voice came from somewhere below the counter, accompanied by loud continuous chewing sounds, - And make it quick!!!
Owl set aside her newspaper and perked up her ears. From under the counter came loud snorting and chewing, accompanied by the sounds of suitcases falling to the floor. Leaning over the counter, Owl saw SOMETHING. This SOMETHING was vaguely similar to Piglet, but at the same time, it was not: a hedgehog of hair on its head, sunglasses covering half of its snout, which was completely covered in bristles. This little creature was dressed in a black leather jacket...
- Um... - said Owl.
- Hurry up! - squeaked Piglet (for it was indeed him), - Feathered one, four rooms!!!
Suitcases were tumbling from Piglet's hooves, and he kept picking them up. Probably, so that he could drop them again, as the suitcases kept trying to fall to the floor again. Owl, wiping the lenses of her glasses, looked more closely at the piglet and said with satisfaction:
- Ahh, Piglet! Hello, little pig! How's life? Back home to cause some mischief again? Huh?
- What are you rambling on about, old log! - shouted the piglet, bending down for another fallen suitcase, - You’ll get it on the head for such talk! Hand over the keys!!!
- Oh, of course! - Owl leaned on the counter and continued: - So, what’s new with you? Where’s the bear and the donkey with the thistle?
- Here! - the entrance doors swung open, and Winnie-the-Pooh entered the lobby with a bottle under his arm, - What are our rooms?
To her surprise, Owl jumped, squinted her big eyes at the bear, and quickly pulled the keys to the rooms from the cupboard:
- Here - 15, 16, 17, 18...
Winnie approached the counter and snatched the keys from Owl with a sharp motion. Jangling them, Winnie smirked:
- 15, 16, 17, 18... Heh-heh..
- Really? - Piglet exclaimed, lifting yet another suitcase that had fallen from his hooves, - Those are the numbers of our cells!!!
- Yes, - Winnie began to twirl the keys on his finger, - Well, let’s go drink. Let’s celebrate, so to speak, our arrival...
* * *
... Meanwhile, Rabbit had somehow unhooked Eeyore, and now both buddies were drinking in the bushes.
- Urp! - Eeyore burped and let out a hearty belch. Holding a cup that was spilling the precious drink called "FODKA," produced by the local literate Owl, the donkey continuously burped and belched, looking at Rabbit, who was gnawing on a carrot. Rabbit, having drunk "for warmth," was quite tipsy and couldn’t hit Eeyore with a piece of the carrot. Eeyore burped a bit more, then suddenly howled, wiping his tears with his cut-off tail.
- What’s wrong with you? Are you upset about your tail... Rabbit took a swig from the bottle, then wiped his lips and continued with a slurred tongue: - Well, we had no other choice, bl-ik! -in! You tell me, what’s more important - your pathetic tail, or the g-uh! -ift cart...
- My tail!... - the drunken donkey sobbed, continuing to wipe his face with his tail.
- No way, that won’t do! - Rabbit stood up and, swaying, pointed a finger at Eeyore, - Your tail, Eeyore, was held on your backside by a button, you know..., - Rabbit sat back down on the ground, - But we took another route, as the great...
- Yeah, but the tail...
- No way, my dear... Urp!... Eeyore... Even the greats have their misses...
- Really? - Eeyore stopped crying and looked at Rabbit skeptically, - But... But... Urp!.. Wasn’t it easier to just unclip the tail from your backside?..
- Yes, easier... - Rabbit yawned, but immediately burped loudly, - But when I noticed the button stuck in your backside, it was already too late...
- Yeah... - Eeyore twisted his tail in his hooves with a sour face, - Okay, pour it...
* * *
Evening was falling... The sun slowly set behind the pines, and the Evergreen Forest was enveloped in darkness. White mist swirled in the fields, and somewhere drunken voices could be heard, accompanied by loud donkey burps. The forest began to live its night life... From the restaurant came the sounds of slow tango and hoarse voices, hoarse from constant smoking and drinking...
- What?!! The clumsy bear is here again?!! The fat body of a hippopotamus crashed onto the table, which immediately bent and began to crack...
- How, I ask, how did this happen?!! The hippopotamus furrowed his brow and pushed out his lower lip:
- Ugh, you bastards... Sitting down heavily on a small stool, the hippopotamus put dark sunglasses on his trunk and took out a pack of expensive cigarettes from his pricey raspberry jacket. Lighting up, the nosed one released a stream of smoke from his trunk and thoughtfully said, not addressing anyone in particular:
- They are here... The bald-headed hippopotamus bodyguards exchanged glances. Meanwhile, the orchestra on stage finished the tango, and the strippers fluttered onto the stage. The boss of the hippos was smoking with a thoughtful look and swaying on the stool.
- So, what do you say? - extinguishing his cigarette on the sole of his shoe, the Boss asked his bodyguards, - Are our competitors already out?
- Yes... - bodyguard Vasek speared a sausage with a fork, - They got drunk today...
- Uh-huh, and they dropped anchor at the hotel! - the second bodyguard, Kolyan, chimed in.
- What the hell, anchor? - Vasek energetically moved his jaws, - The boar went in there with a bunch of suitcases, Owl told me! They didn’t drop any anchor there!
- Shut up! - hissed the Boss, admiring the strippers, - You’re bothering me... Talk business...
- O'kay, boss, - Kolyan's eyes scanned the dancing girls with admiration, - Winnie’s gang isn’t all here, there’s no striped one and Shakhta... That one, second from the right, quite a specimen...
- The mole won’t be around for a long time, - The Boss smiled, recalling something pleasant, Hm, that freak really messed up - he dug a tunnel not under the bank's safe, but right under the police station! Ha-ha!.. Ten years!.. And the striped horse gets out tomorrow... So let’s wait a little longer, until tomorrow, and then we’ll set these freaks up one more time!!!
* * *
... Smoothly rustling tires, a fancy six-hundred "Mercedes" pulled up to Christopher Robin's villa. The bouncer burst out of the door and almost galloped towards the car. With a jerk, he swung the door open and froze... Christopher Robin, the local godfather, got out of the car and, twirling a thick brown cigar between his fingers, casually nodded to the guard and, under the protection of a constantly alert and suspicious bodyguard, slowly walked into the house.
The guard, who had recently been chatting with Winnie, closed the door of the "Mercedes" and trotted after Christopher. Clearing his throat, he said:
- Boss, there was someone ... uh... Rummaging through his pockets, the guard pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and smoothed it out:
- Um... Some Winnie asked me to tell you that he is staying at the hotel, boss...
- Winnie? - Christopher Robin stopped and turned sharply, - Winnie is here?
- Probably, boss, - the guard shrugged, - Such a cool bear...
- Yes, that’s him, - Christopher thought for a moment and looked at the guard, - Winnie-the-Pooh...
The bodyguard, rhythmically moving his jaws, was chewing gum noisily and suspiciously glancing at the guard. Finally, Christopher Robin snapped out of his trance and lazily waved his hand:
- Ah, to hell with him... I’ll see Winnie tomorrow...
* * *
Morning came... The sun, as usual, rose from behind the pines; sunbeams danced on the ground and trees... Winnie covered his face with his paw from the pesky sunbeams that were getting right in his eyes. It didn’t help... The cursed sun creatures skillfully crawled through the bear’s thick fingers and pinched Winnie’s eyes, loudly shouting in his ear "HURRY UP! LET'S GO!". With great difficulty, Winnie opened his eyes and was surprised to find that the cute sun bunny creatures had mutated right before his eyes into skinny tailed horned devils, who were howling and giggling and disappearing somewhere after poking Winnie somewhere with a blunt trident...
- Ugh, foul creatures! - Winnie finally woke up and yawned widely. His head was pounding from yesterday's bender, and his paws were shaking. Clambering out of the chair onto the floor, the bear walked unsteadily to the refrigerator, carefully stepping over the piles of empty bottles that had once been full. Reaching the refrigerator, Winnie hung onto the door handle. It creaked open... Before the bear’s eyes were empty shelves. However, on one of them lay a pickled cucumber that had been gnawed by Piglet, which Winnie took.
The creaking of the refrigerator door woke Piglet. To his surprise, the piglet found himself sleeping under the couch surrounded by fish bones and gnawed bread crusts. Shoving the trash deeper under the couch, Piglet made an attempt to crawl out...
- Winnie, where are you? - Piglet shouted, flipping empty bottles upside down in search of something for a hangover.
- What? - Winnie shouted back, Grab it here, humanoid! There’s half a cucumber left for the hangover!.. That is, already a quarter.
Piglet, abandoning his search in the empty bottles, quickly ran over to Winnie-the-Pooh and, snatching the cucumber from the surprised bear's paws, loudly crunched it. Winnie sighed heavily and slipped into his favorite leather jacket. Pulling out a toothless comb from the inner pocket, the bear waddled over to the mirror and, sticking out his tongue in concentration, began to style his hair.
- Winnie! - Piglet had already finished the cucumber and was lying in the chair, waving his hoof, - Where are you off to? Probably on a date at Aunt Kanga’s house, huh?
Winnie looked in the mirror and put the comb back in his pocket. Zipping up the zipper, Winnie borrowed Piglet’s sunglasses from the jacket and put them on his face. Pulling out a joint from his pack, Winnie-the-Pooh turned to Piglet and said:
- I need to visit Dad, Piglet! Stay at the hotel, I’ll be back soon...
Slamming the door, Winnie-the-Pooh stepped outside. Piglet lazed in the chair for a bit longer, but soon grew bored. The piglet crawled out of the chair and approached one of the suitcases...
* * *
Winnie-the-Pooh strode purposefully towards Christopher Robin's mansion. The little plush legs of the bear stirred up clouds of dust on the road, but Winnie, lost in thought about the upcoming conversation with the godfather of the evergreen mafia, paid no attention to it. Following the bear was the hippopotamus, making short dashes from one wall of a house to another, carefully watching where the bear was going...
Winnie approached the familiar door and pressed the doorbell. Inside, there were sounds of footsteps, then the creaking of a lock being opened, and finally, the door swung open. On the threshold stood a huge thug in a sterile suit. Suspiciously eyeing Winnie, the thug began to tap out the anthem of the Soviet Union on the door frame with his fingers and waited expectantly for the bewildered bear.
Winnie nervously fidgeted with his jacket and shifted from foot to foot.
- I’m actually here to see Christopher, - he said timidly.
The guard, having stopped annoying Winnie with his tapping on the door frame, checked the entry in the logbook:
- Winnie-the-Pooh, bear... Yes, you have an appointment. Follow me...
... The hippopotamus Vasek from the bushes saw that Winnie-the-Pooh entered the house behind the guard. Not wasting any time, the hippopotamus crawled through the nettles and thorny rose bushes to the entrance door and, stretching to his full height, froze. There was no sound behind the door. Silence... Looking around, Vasek saw no living soul nearby. Smirking, the hippopotamus opened the sewer hatch near the wall and barely squeezed himself through. With a barely audible scraping sound, the hatch cover closed.
* * *
- Winnie! - Christopher Robin hugged the bear tightly, - Winnie, Winnie! Finally, you’re home...
- Yes... - replied Winnie-the-Pooh, hugging Christopher and looking around the hallway, - You live richly!
- Well, - Christopher Robin waved his hand around the hallway, - Is this rich? These are just trinkets. Cheap, unnecessary things.
- Well, let’s go... Someone has been waiting for you in the living room for a while...
- Let’s go, - Winnie strode across the hallway and, pushing open the sturdy oak door, entered the living room, - Oooooo!!! Yes, there was much to be surprised about! The entire floor was covered in Persian rugs, on which empty vodka bottles stood in neat rows. Expensive Venetian furniture reflected the light falling from a large crystal chandelier. The table against the wall was laden with various dishes and drinks... And in the middle of all this splendor sat a tailed striped subject, dead drunk...
- Tigger! - Winnie squeaked.
- Winnie! - Tigger squeaked, jumping up in surprise, - Winnie! Hi!
- Tigger! - Winnie shook Tigger’s paw with such feeling that it seemed he wanted to rip it off.
Freeing his paw, Tigger nodded to the table and slurred:
- Sit down, Winnie! You’ll be the third.
Taking a plum from the vase, Tigger added:
- Where’s Piglet and the others?
- They’re all here, - Winnie replied, rubbing his paws and sensing a forthcoming drinking spree, And soon, they’ll probably arrive... Well, come on, come on, pour it, damn it! Tigger, where are the pickles?
* * *
The hippopotamus Vasek crawled through the sewer pipe, struggling to drag his fat body through the jungle of plumbing. Slipping on some muck, Vasek fell into a stinky puddle, sending up a splash.
- Ugh! - spat the hippopotamus, squeezing out his big ears, - Why is it always me?
- I... I... - echoed a voice, gradually fading away somewhere in the distance.
The little hippopotamus eyes darted nervously around. It seemed there was no one, just disgusting rats swimming in the muck from which Vasek had just crawled out...
- Rats? - Vasek shivered all over and, unable to withstand it, bolted. The powerful hippopotamus charged forward like a tank, sweeping everything in his path. Splashes flew in all directions, broken pipes were left behind... Reaching the necessary turn, Vasek stopped. Gasping loudly, the hippopotamus raised his big head and, checking the sewer plan drawn on a piece of paper, spotted the pipe leading to the sink in Christopher Robin’s kitchen. Pulling a saw from his jacket, Vasek stood on tiptoe and began to saw the pipe. The screech of the saw echoed far through the sewer... Finishing up, Vasek bent the end of the pipe down with his powerful paws and pressed his head against it.
- ... Pour me some of that devil’s fire, - a muffled voice drifted through the pipe to the hippopotamus’s ears, - ... And give me a cucumber...
Smirking, Vasek continued to eavesdrop on what their competitors were discussing...
* * *
- Good booze, - noted Winnie-the-Pooh, crunching on a cucumber and sipping from a bottle clutched in his paw, - It hits the spot and makes the blood flow faster!..
- Winnie, - Christopher Robin sat in a chair, one leg thrown over the other, and occasionally sipped French wine from a crystal glass with a thin gilded stem, - Winnie, Winnie... Maybe this wine does make the blood flow faster, but you, Winnie, you’re a plush bear, buddy!
Winnie-the-Pooh’s furry short paw fumbled on the table and, feeling for a vase, pulled out a banana.
- Christi, boss! - Winnie grinned widely, - I’m philosophizing about the meaning of life, saying beautiful phrases, and you’re calling me a "plush bear"! That’s just not cultured! It’s not ethical, after all! To point out my flaws directly, that I, precisely I, am such a bear, damn it!
- Hey, guys! - a voice from above called out, - Let’s talk business, because your stuffy topics are already getting on my nerves...
- Hey, what the hell are you doing up there? - Christopher Robin looked at the chandelier, where Tigger was hanging.
- I don’t know! - Tigger replied, swinging on the chandelier, - I just got caught on it when I fell off the shelf, and here I am... hanging, as you can see...
There was a crack - the chandelier swayed threateningly in all directions until Tigger finally let go and fell onto the thick carpet from the ceiling. Following him, the chandelier fell off and crashed onto the striped one...
* * *
- ... Don’t pour vodka on my head, give it to me, I need it inside for prevention! - came from the pipe to the hippopotamus’s ears, - What wound, damn it, stop wasting vodka on nothing!!!
The hippopotamus shook his head and muttered:
- Come on, come on!..
* * *
By chance, Rabbit and Eeyore arrived at Christopher Robin's just in time. All the prepared booze had not yet been drunk...
- Urp!.. To everyone, salute.. urp!. t!!! - Eeyore waved his paw from the threshold but immediately fell into a fit of uncontrollable burping.
- Hello, - Rabbit tossed, - Hi, tiger...
Tigger lay on the couch with a towel wrapped around his head, groaning pitifully:
- O... A... I feel bad...
Sniffing the alcohol fumes emanating from Tigger, Rabbit smirked:
- Overdid it, huh?
- No... - Tigger replied weakly, - But they... They poured three bottles of vodka on my head...
- For what? - Rabbit pulled a carrot from his pocket and began to gnaw on it.
The drunken donkey fell asleep standing up but soon collapsed from his hooves and began to snore, occasionally emitting burping sounds. Tigger told Rabbit the sad story of falling from the chandelier and the subsequent fall of the chandelier onto poor Tigger and the consequences of that fall - three wasted bottles of vodka...
- Yeah, - Rabbit nodded his long-eared head and looked around the living room.
Winnie-the-Pooh was sleeping on the carpet, sprawled out with his short paws in different directions (one of them holding a half-eaten cucumber, and the other a half-empty bottle of moonshine "by Sova") and snoring loudly. In the chair lay the boss Christopher Robin, and in his sleep he tightly hugged a bottle, occasionally squeezing it... The donkey, sprawled out in different directions, was snoring in the doorway. Rabbit turned to Tigger and wanted to ask him something, but he didn’t have the chance - Tigger was sweetly asleep, curled up in a ball, and in his sleep was complaining to someone that three bottles had been wasted for nothing...
Standing for a little longer in the middle of the room with the sleeping guys, Rabbit crunched on the carrot and wandered around the table, finishing off the remaining dishes and bottles. Having imbibed enough alcoholic drinks, Rabbit felt a lump in his throat... Holding his breath, he galloped to the kitchen and leaned over the sink...
* * *
The hippopotamus was sweetly dozing, sitting by the pipe... Suddenly, something bubbled in the pipe, and our hippopotamus sharply opened his eyes and, as usual, pressed his ear to the end of the pipe... Immediately, the contents of the rabbit's stomach poured into his floppy ear in a river...
* * *
After throwing up, Rabbit turned on the cold water to wash the sink...
* * *
... The hippopotamus Vasek hadn’t recovered from the shock when a powerful stream of icy water splashed him. The local waterfall knocked the hippopotamus off his feet and toppled him into a puddle.
- I’m drowning! - squeaked Vasek, floundering in the puddle, - I’m choking!
After yelling in that tone for about ten minutes, the hippopotamus realized that there was no hope for help.
After splashing around, Vasek crawled out of the puddle and sat down by the end of the pipe, all frozen and angry...
* * *
- ... Damn it, - Piglet shook the cell phone and virtuously swore, - Where the hell are they, /pi! /!
Prodding his hoof at the number buttons, Piglet pressed the phone to his ear again.
- Pigs, - the piglet hissed, hearing the now tiresome long beeps on the line - They’re probably throwing an orgy...
Throwing the phone back into the suitcase, Piglet made a short march to the kitchen. Returning with a bottle of vodka and two sticks of boiled sausage, Piglet flopped into the chair. Unscrewing the cap from the bottle, the piglet took a big gulp and noted with pleasure to himself that the vodka produced by the local craftsmen (in particular, Owl) was quite good. Throwing both hooves onto the chair, the piglet took a big bite of sausage and began to rhythmically move his jaws, washing down the sausage with "warming drink" from the bottle...
* * *
A new day had come... As usual, the sun slowly rose from behind the tops of the pines and generously gifted the Evergreen Forest with its light and warmth. In Christopher Robin's mansion, the awakened buddies were suffering from a headache from a wild hangover and were running back and forth to the sink... In the underground communications, that is, the sewer, the hippopotamus Vasek was sitting in front of the pipe, from which, at regular intervals, the contents of Christopher's gang's stomachs were pouring out... Piglet, at that time, was rummaging through the refrigerator and slowly sobering up, destroying the stocks of alcoholic beverages... A new day had come..........
* * *
- I’m fed up already! - roared Christopher Robin when Tigger tried for the twentieth time to run to the kitchen sink, Better listen to what a smart person says! - We’re listening, - the donkey mumbled with a slurred tongue, clinging to the door frame and trying not to fall. - Where’s the beer for the hangover? - Winnie asked. - You’re sitting on a beer crate, - Rabbit spoke up, his head still pounding from the previous drinking binge, - Get off! The bear cub grunted and got off the crate, pulling out four bottles of beer... When the first four bottles of beer were downed, another four followed, and this continued until the entire crate of beer was empty. - Give a speech, boss, - said Winnie, wiping his lips with the sleeve of his jacket and licking the last drops from an empty beer bottle. Christopher Robin settled into an armchair, crossed his legs, and lit his favorite big brown cigars. After taking a huge puff that almost knocked him out, Christopher Robin coughed and shook his head. After clearing his throat, Christopher Robin continued to puff on the cigar, taking small puffs. - So, what I wanted to tell you, my dear friends, - Christopher began, looking around at those present, - I wanted to tell you about this yesterday, but somehow I forgot during the drinking, but never mind... - Don’t keep us in suspense, spill it! - Tigger chimed in, having made his way to the sink. - I was flipping through the newspapers the other day, you know... Flipped through, read a little, and found out that in Cairo, apparently, there’s a golden pharaoh's mask in their museum. Get it? - But it was stolen... I mean, it was swiped... - Tigger took a swig from a glass of vodka, - A long time ago. Seems like the mafia from Tomsk! - Yeah, - Christopher Robin stubbed out his cigar in a glass of wine, - But the robbers, seeing the cops' car, took off and left someone behind in the museum. - What jerks, - Rabbit muttered. - Jerks, - Christopher Robin agreed, - In short, the remaining thugs were caught by the cops... Well, you probably guessed the rest... - They squealed, - Winnie suggested, - And the cops caught the whole gang and took the mask back! - Yeah, that’s how it was, - Christopher said, So now this priceless mask is kept in the museum under heavy guard. As far as I know from my sources, the guard is provided by a unit of the Wild Bees, plus there’s a ton of electronics around the room where the mask is, and even in the room itself, there are invisible alarms!!! - We need a cracker, - said Winnie the Pooh, crunching on a pickle. - We tigers are the best crackers in the world! - Tigger, climbing onto the back of the armchair, thumped his chest and fell off onto the floor from his own blow. - Piglet would be good for the role of a hacker, - said Christopher Robin, - But only if he’s dealt with “eBAY”... - Oh, Piglet is a big whiz with computers, - Rabbit chimed in. - No way! - Tigger shot over to Rabbit and exclaimed: - No way, big ears, Piglet is the best cracker in the world, but... after tigers!!! - Enough already! - Winnie slammed his fist on the table, - Piglet will be the specialist on security systems, got it? - But he doesn’t know anything about them! - Tigger objected, - How can he be a specialist? I, for example... - Quiet, - Christopher Robin stood up from the armchair and, pouring a shot of vodka, downed it in one go, - Did you catch the drift? Do you understand what I want to propose to you? I want to send you to Egypt, to Cairo, for the mask, do you understand that? - Oh, yeah! - said Winnie the Pooh. - Cool! - Rabbit crunched on a carrot. - We tigers are the best mask snatchers from the museum in Cairo, - Tigger said, bouncing on his tail. Eeyore just grunted. Everyone thought the donkey was okay with it. After a couple of minutes, everyone calmed down, and Christopher Robin took the floor: - So, we already have a security systems specialist - that’s Piglet. - But he doesn’t know anything about them! - Tigger said. - He’ll learn, - Christopher Robin assured him, - Next, we need a safe specialist, a bouncer, a driver, and a lookout... - A lookout, huh? - Tigger piped up, raising his eyebrows in surprise. - Who? - Winnie was surprised. - A lookout, - Tigger repeated, In tiger language, that means a lookout... - Alright, - Christopher Robin downed another shot of vodka, - Tigger will be our lookout and driver... - Wait a minute! - Tigger protested, - I wasn’t asked!!! Besides, I can’t drive a car! - You have to try everything in life, - Rabbit philosophically noted. - So, we have: computer specialist Piglet, driver and... - Christopher was saying, but Tigger interrupted, adding: - ... And a lookout! - Yes, - Christopher nodded, - Our driver and lookout is Tigger. We still need a bouncer and a safe specialist. Winnie the Pooh, covering Rabbit's mouth with his paw, shouted: - Rabbit to the bear cubs! Rabbit should be the safe specialist!!! Rabbit squirmed a bit in Pooh's paws but couldn’t get out. Then he used a special move - he bit Pooh's paw. The bear howled in pain and swatted Rabbit on the head, while Rabbit, calling for Eeyore, soaked the bear. Winnie the Pooh, lying on the floor, croaked from under the donkey's bulk: - Tigger, get that big-eared one!!! Tigger jumped onto Rabbit's head, who was trying to kick Winnie the Pooh, and knocked the big-eared one to the floor. Winnie, seizing the moment, kicked the sitting donkey in his fat behind. Eeyore, not expecting such a trick from Winnie the Pooh, tumbled headfirst and plowed across the carpet for a certain distance, measured in meters. Rabbit, seeing his ally being kicked hard, squealed and tried to shake Tigger off him, but couldn’t. Winnie awkwardly got up from the floor and prepared to stomp on Rabbit's ears when Eeyore, stumbling over the fallen Winnie, once again slid across the carpet on his belly, but in the opposite direction. His trip ended quite sadly - the donkey crashed into the sideboard, and knives and forks rained down on him... - Enough already, - Christopher Robin yanked Winnie by the scruff and pulled Tigger off Rabbit, - You’ve played enough!!! The donkey pulled a fork that had stuck in his backside and settled in a corner. Winnie and Rabbit sat in different armchairs, while Tigger sprawled on the couch. Christopher Robin smiled: - You idiots! You’ve made a mess like donkeys, smashed the sideboard, ruined the carpets!!! In short, 7% is taken from your future share for my benefit! - What?! For what?! - Rabbit's ears stood up in outrage. - For the mess you made here! - Christopher Robin cut in, - But, let’s not divide the skin of an unshot bear yet... - Take it easy, boss! - Winnie squeaked, I’m not guilty, it was Eeyore who crashed into the sideboard, so kill him!!! - What? - the donkey stretched, - I tripped over your barrel-shaped body!!! Besides, I got a butt injury...
- Don't fear the knife, fear the fork - one strike, four holes! - Tigger joked. A ruckus broke out, Eeyore hurled a beer bottle at Winnie, but missed and hit Rabbit instead. The impact sent Rabbit crashing to the floor along with the armchair, and he froze... - Silence! - Christopher Robin shouted, rinsing his throat with a shot of moonshine, Everyone shut up! What a bunch of bosses you are! Listen to me carefully and remember! The lineup in your team is as follows: Piglet - computer specialist, Tigger - driver and lookout, Winnie and Eeyore - bouncers, and Rabbit - safe specialist. That’s it! - Rabbit - a bear cub? - Tigger was utterly surprised, - Why? - Why, why, - Christopher mimicked Tigger, - He was the last one left, that’s why... Any objections? Everyone was silent. - Good, - Christopher took a glass and filled it with moonshine, - To the success of the team!
* * *
- Aha, - Vasya joyfully rubbed his paws together, We’re heading to Egypt, those goats, for the mask! No way, it won’t happen!!! Looking around, the elephant hurriedly trotted towards the sewer exit.
* * *
Piglet, having sobered up, dressed in his favorite outfit - a leather jacket, and put on a spare pair of dark glasses. Spraying himself with cologne, the piglet cheerfully dashed to Aunt Kanga’s house for a date. He still didn’t know his future, and neither did the Author. As fortune-tellers and astrologers love to say - the piglet's future was shrouded in mist...
* * *
At Christopher Robin's mansion, the drinking continued with renewed vigor. Winnie and Tigger ran to the tents for booze and brought back a couple of crates of vodka "STOLICHNAYA". And now, naturally, they were having a serious business conversation about the upcoming job, combining the pleasant with the useful, that is, drinking with business talk... - Christi, - Winnie slouched in the armchair, - I’m curious, how are we getting to Cairo... - Everything is calculated, Winnie, - Christopher Robin replied, downing a shot of vodka, - Tomorrow a Corporal Pumbo from Kumarisa will arrive in the Forest. Your job is simple - steal his car and fly to Cairo in it, just like that! - Got it, - Winnie drawled, although he didn’t understand anything. Eeyore and Rabbit were already sprawled on the floor in a stupor, Tigger had also fallen asleep, burying his face in the salad. Winnie pulled a cucumber from the jar and, munching on it a bit, asked Christopher another question: - Listen, boss, what’s our share? - For all - 23%, - Christopher replied, But if you hadn’t been fooling around, and hadn’t made a mess, your share would have been 30%... - Aha, - Winnie mused, - That donkey, what a goat!... After a pause, Winnie added: - By the way, about the foolishness... Pulling a joint from his jacket, Winnie clumsily rolled it and took a puff, pondering the upcoming job...
* * *
The boss of the elephant mafia sat in an armchair, dipping his thick legs into a basin of hot water. Next to the chair stood a small sofa, where bodyguard Kolyan was sitting, flipping through the morning newspapers. This peaceful scene was disrupted by the sound of footsteps and a scream: - Boss, boss!!! Vasya shot up the stairs to the second floor and flung open the door. Tripping over the threshold, Vasya crashed to the floor right in front of the basin where the boss was keeping his column-like limbs. - Boss! - Vasya squealed, bouncing to his feet and knocking over a floor lamp in the process, - I’ve gathered all the intel! Christopher Robin is planning to send his guys to Egypt for the pharaoh's mask!!! He’s already assembled a team, and they’ve toasted to this matter!!! Kolyan, glancing at his partner, pinched his trunk and made a disgusted face. The boss, sniffing the scents, casually remarked with a smirk: - That’s all important, but where were you, Vasya? - Me? - Vasya’s little eyes widened, - In the sewer, where else? I did everything according to plan - cut the pipe, bent it, and eavesdropped... - I see, - the boss pulled his legs out of the basin and dried them with a towel. After sloshing over for a bottle, the boss returned with three glasses and a large bottle of vodka. Pouring the vodka into the glasses, the boss settled more comfortably in his chair and, downing his glass in one go, said: - Alright, Vasily, spill it, what did you find out? And in detail... Vasya, having drunk some vodka, took a deep breath and began: - So, it went like this...
* * *
Meanwhile, somewhere in space, on the outskirts of Earth, a small but speedy ship of the intergalactic police was approaching our planet at full speed. Its shiny armor reflected the rays of light, and the fearsome protruding guns scared off any cosmic "gentleman of fortune." On board the "Viper-2.1" were Corporal Pumbo and the old codger, that is, ugh!.. the old onboard mechanic Marazmik, a resident of the planet Marazmus. The mission of Corporal Pumbo, a well-fed little pig with plump eyes, was absurdly simple - to pay an official visit to the residents of the Evergreen Forest and procure a certain amount of alcoholic beverages for the department combating galactic drug trafficking... - We’ll arrive soon, - grunted Marazmik, closing a contact with a screwdriver. Sparks flew, and Marazmik was shaken quite a bit. Trying to steady his trembling hands, Marazmik clicked his teeth: - The engine is in order.... Finally, the tremors in his hands and legs subsided, and Marazmik, approaching the switch, called out to the corporal: - Hey, sir, whatever your name is! - What? - the disgruntled pig turned around. - If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, sir, please take that wire near your seat, the one sticking out from under the control panel... - Why do I need that? - Sir, it’s just a test of all systems. - This is a new ship! - the pig snorted indignantly, - If you break it with your idiotic tests, I’ll never pay for such a vehicle in my life! - Sir, as my mommy used to say, you have to check everything yourself, or else... - Alright, alright, - the pig bent down and, pulling the wire from under the control panel, held it tightly in his hoof: - Well? Marazmik flipped the switch and asked the corporal: - Don’t you feel anything, sir? - No, - the corporal replied. Marazmik switched off the switch and thoughtfully said: - Hmm... So, 400,000 volts are going through another wire... The corporal’s hooves involuntarily relaxed, and the wire slowly fell to the floor... And following the wire, the pig fell to the floor... - Look at that, so impressionable, - Marazmik grunted, shoving the screwdriver into a socket. A burst of sparks. Curtain...
* * *
But let’s return to the Evergreen Forest. The rest of the day, the heroes of this story spent differently: the elephants were preparing for the trip to Cairo and devising tricks against Christopher Robin's gang. Christopher Robin's gang, in almost full force, was sleeping in Christopher Robin's house, while Piglet was having fun at Aunt Kanga's house... But time passed. Evening came, followed by night, and after the night came... Morning, you think? Right, the sun rose from behind the pines, and morning arrived...
* * *
... Tigger opened his eyes and was surprised to find his face in a salad. Raising his head, Tigger squinted and looked around. On the floor lay Rabbit and Eeyore, in the armchair sat a nearly awake Winnie-the-Pooh with a swollen face from two days of drinking, and in another armchair sat Christopher Robin, smoking his favorite brown cigars, flipping through the morning newspapers. - Hello everyone, - Tigger croaked. His throat was as dry as the Sahara Desert, and he really wanted to sober up. - There’s no hangover remedy, - Winnie said, finishing the last shot of vodka in front of Tigger, - It’s all gone... Tigger let out a long squeak, sadly thinking about the severe headaches that usually follow two-day binges. - Hello, - Rabbit mumbled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. - How do I look? - Eeyore gloomily asked, swaying from side to side, - Don’t look like a drunk?.. Christopher Robin, setting aside the newspaper, took a cup of coffee and took a small sip: - Did you all sleep well? Wonderful. Now eat up and head to the spaceport. And don’t forget Piglet, or you’ll mess up the whole job! - What job? - Eeyore asked, blinking his bleary eyes. Receiving a smack on the back of the head from Winnie-the-Pooh, Eeyore nodded his head: - Oh, right... I remember, I remember... Winnie-the-Pooh crawled to the table and picked up an apple. Although bears don’t eat apples, Winnie still ate the apple. Turning his swollen face to Christopher, the bear cub asked where the mirror was. - In the hallway, - Christopher replied, returning to his newspaper. Reaching the mirror, Winnie used the same toothless comb to style his hair and, putting on dark glasses, turned to his friends. - Hey, black animals, let’s go! - Winnie waved his paw, and the whole team headed for the exit. Pausing at the door, Winnie turned around and saluted Christopher: - Wait for me with the mask, boss! - Good luck! - Christopher Robin nodded his head, and when the entrance door slammed shut behind the bear, he delved back into reading the newspaper...
* * *
The sober team moved unsteadily towards the hotel. At this early hour, there were almost no passersby on the streets, and only the wind raised small dust devils on the road and blew fallen leaves... Piglet, having rolled around all night at Aunt Kanga's house, was hopping towards the hotel, as he wanted to drink badly after the wild night... ... At the hotel, the friends met. Piglet dashed headlong into Tigger, causing Tigger to fall to the ground. Getting back on his feet, Tigger cheerfully slapped Piglet on the shoulder: - Bro, this is our security systems specialist. Howdy, brother!!! - Hi, striped one! - Piglet squealed joyfully, - Give me five! - Here! - Yeah, - Piglet slapped Tigger's paw with his hoof, - How’s it going, what’s the news from the boss? - Well, we’re heading for the loot, - Tigger simply said, - We’re going to Egypt. - Yeah, - Winnie nodded, - And you’re our security systems specialist. - We have a job in Cairo, - Rabbit explained - We need to borrow the golden pharaoh's mask from their museum. And it’s priceless!!! - And 23% of it is ours! - said Winnie. - We’ll drink to that! - Eeyore added. Piglet was taken aback. He wanted to say that he was just a little piglet, and he didn’t know anything about those security systems, and why on earth go to Cairo when they could rob the local bank... But instead of all that, Piglet simply said: - Uh... - I see you don’t mind, - Winnie patted the piglet on the shoulder, - By the way, take your glasses... Piglet stood there with his mouth agape, processing the information. Egypt, Cairo, mask, priceless, 23%, booze... Winnie slapped the piglet on the cheeks: - Hey, Piglet, snap out of it! 3.5% is yours! - Mine, - the piglet snapped out of his stupor, - And how much is that? - A lot, - Eeyore said, - You’ll get drunk till you drop! - Oh, - Piglet exclaimed, - Let’s go, gentlemen! Let’s go!!! - Wait a minute, - Winnie, grabbing the piglet by the scruff, unceremoniously pulled him over to himself, - I hope you didn’t drink all the beer, huh? Because without a hangover remedy... - It’s tough on the body, - Tigger finished, Let’s go, comrades, let’s have a last drink, and then we’ll head to the spaceport for the car...
* * *
"Viper" was entering the Earth's atmosphere at full speed with a light hiss. The ship was shaking and rattling side to side. The autopilot was showing off, making the "Viper" perform maneuvers unknown to humanity (for example, "Crab Mode" - the ship, against the pilot's will, turns into a crab, or such an amazing figure as "Ram Horns" - when the ship, through the forces of attraction, repulsion, and acceleration, defies all laws of earthly physics and curls into a ram's horn, just like that!). Smoke was coming from the superheated hull, and the landing spaceship left a black smoking trail behind it... - Ma... Ma... Marazmik! - Corporal Pumbo shouted, gripping the armrests of the gravity chair with his hooves, - Do something to make this shaking $%@ stop!!!! - Huh? - Marazmik grunted, tumbling around the cabin, as he hadn’t managed to get into the gravity chair, - The shaking will stop soon, sir, just a moment... Ouch! (Marazmik bumped his head against the control panel.) More precisely, the air brakes are already engaged, sir, and the autopilot is directing the ship to the Evergreen Forest spaceport, sir!!! Ouch, ow!!! In the process of tumbling, Marazmik accidentally touched an exposed wire leading from the main generator and briefly pretended to be Lord Raiden, the electrified character from Mortal Kombat. Yelling, Marazmik, tumbling again (and bumping a kettle on the floor), accidentally hit the pig sitting in the chair with his paw. The pig, feeling 100,000 volts, let out a wild scream and started thrashing in the chair, and only the special protective suit saved him from becoming a roasted ham. The corporal and the mechanic, tumbling around the cabin and colliding with every part of their bodies against the control panel, shouted and cursed all the creators of the updated "Viper." Meanwhile, the autopilot, having engaged the air brakes, calmly guided the ship to its destination, ignoring the furious cries of the tumbling crew...
* * *
The future robbers of museum valuables, having sobered up at the hotel and packed their suitcases for the journey, that is, taking along vodka, beer, snacks, and, of course, their thieving tools, directed their rear limbs, paws, and hooves towards the evergreen spaceport, or cosmodrome, which, in principle, is the same thing. So the team, raising dust on the road, hurried towards the spaceport(: -drum). - Winnie, - Piglet said, quickly moving his hooves, - Why are we going to the spaceport? - You see, pig, - Winnie said, Today a guest from Kumarisa, Corporal Pumbo, is arriving at the spaceport... - A cop, huh, - Piglet mumbled, rolling a joint and enjoying a puff... - ... According to Christopher’s plan, we steal their car and fly to Egypt!!! - Wouldn’t it be easier to buy tickets to Cairo? - Piglet asked, coughing from the strong puff, - We could have flown to your Egypt on an airplane in style! - Piglet, that’s amateurism! - Tigger exclaimed indignantly, - We’re pulling off the heist of the century, and you’re coming up with your lame ideas! An airplane, an airplane! We’ll race to the museum in the corporal’s car - just like that!!! Eeyore was serving as cargo transport, that is, his tail was tied to a cart loaded with suitcases. Therefore, Eeyore had no desire to join the discussion... For a while, they walked in silence until Piglet spoke up again: - Well, if we borrow the corporal’s vehicle, who’s going to drive? - I will! - Tigger slapped his chest, I’ll be the driver!!! So, Piglet, as you can see, everything is under control!!! Piglet just nodded his head in response, and consumed by bad premonitions, which had a bad habit of sometimes coming true, continued to move his hooves...
* * *
"Viper," having circled over the Evergreen Forest spaceport, finally landed. The roar of the turbines ceased, and the corporal and the mechanic fell from the ceiling to the floor. Lifting his snout from the floor, Corporal Pumbo looked around and, not noticing anything suspicious, quickly got up on his hooves. Peering out the windshield, the pig let out a joyful sigh:
- All good! We’ve arrived, damn it! Marazmik was crawling on the floor in search of his lost false teeth, but realizing that they hadn’t fallen out of his overall pocket, he happily got up from his knees. Yes, the madness was growing on the mechanic... - Well, that’s great, sir! - the mechanic happily exclaimed, discreetly pulling a screwdriver from his pocket and trying to insert it into a socket. But he faced a major disappointment - with the engine off, there was no electricity!
- Get ready to disembark, - the corporal casually threw on his parade uniform. Now we’re going to meet the local residents...
- Alright, sir, - Marazmik replied, donning his parade overall and searching for a special screwdriver in the tools. Fastening his uniform with all buttons, the corporal placed a cap with a proud inscription in an unknown language on his head. Mechanic Marazmik, accidentally putting on his parade overall backward, was utterly surprised by the absence of a zipper and buttons in the front and the abundance of buttons and a large zipper on the back...
* * *
Meanwhile, the gang of robbers from the Evergreen Forest took their starting positions near the landed ship. Before everyone’s eyes, the guns silently disappeared into openings, and the openings were covered with shields. A crumpled pig face briefly flashed in the windshield and then disappeared. Winnie-the-Pooh raised his paw and waved towards the ship, signaling to his friends that as soon as the entrance hatch opened, they would all attack the pilots and knock them down. However, the plan for capturing the ship had not been thoroughly worked out, as it had been conceived on the way to the spaceport in Tigger’s head, who had seen a similar maneuver in some movie. However, Tigger hadn’t finished watching the movie, so with everyone’s agreement, a little improvisation was allowed...
* * *
The hatch opened, and Corporal Pumbo stepped onto the ramp with his head held high. Following the pig, mechanic Marazmik trotted down the ramp on his hoof-like legs and, slicking back his hair, wanted to look around but didn’t have time - a screwdriver that had fallen from his pocket plunged disdainfully into his leg. The forest echoed with the mechanic's wild scream... Corporal Pumbo gave Marazmik a resounding slap, and was about to open his mouth to yell at the mechanic for embarrassing Marazmus and Kumarisa on a foreign planet, but not so fast...
* * *
Winnie saw two figures emerge from the ship's ramp. One figure, clad in some little uniform and vaguely resembling Piglet, looked around importantly and waved to no one in particular (later the bear learned that this was a distant alien relative of Piglet, of whose existence the piglet had previously been unaware). The second newcomer was in a mechanic’s overall, albeit a pretty cool one - in front was the inscription "M A R A Z M I K," and on the back was an abundance of buttons and a huge blue zipper. The mechanic dropped the screwdriver from his pocket, which embedded itself in his paw, and he loudly screamed in pain. When the corporal gave the mechanic a resounding slap, the sound of it reached the ears of Winnie-the-Pooh, who was hiding ten meters away from the vessel, and the bear waved his paw towards the ramp and, with a battle cry of "SPECTRUM FOREVER, INTEL OUTSIDE!!!" raced towards the ramp. Following him, the others jumped out of their hiding places and, shouting loudly, ran after Winnie-the-Pooh... As expected, the local primates did not understand the intergalactic language, but they continued to approach the ramp and shout something loudly...
- Smile at them, - the corporal smiled warmly and poked the mechanic in the side with his hoof. Otherwise, they might misinterpret your phrase "iNteL fOrEvEr"! / O, fuck! NO!!!
The toothless mouth of Marazmik spread into a friendly smile, and the corporal, continuing to smile warmly, turned on the automatic translator...
-... Knock that pig in uniform off his hooves, - the corporal heard, - And take that thing out of his hoof that he pointed at me, or he might annihilate me, damn it! Piglet, hit that toothless smiling idiot in the face!!! Tigra, get ready to jump into their door and start the engine!!!
Marazmik's dentures fell to the floor with a clatter, and the smile slowly faded from his face. The corporal sharply opened the holster hanging from his belt and thrust a hoof into it. But, by the wicked intent of the Author, he found only a half-empty bottle of kumar vodka.
- Damn it! - the boar cursed loudly, - Two thousand three hundred and eight "blue" marasmatic stoned lamplighters!!! Where's the weapon, damn it???!!!
Marazmik tried to say something, but his jaws clacked loudly, preventing their owner from making meaningful sounds...
- Idiot! - the corporal pushed Marazmik away and tried to hide in the ship, but couldn't - Rabbit, grabbing the boar by the hind hooves, yanked them towards himself, and Corporal Pumbo crashed face-first onto the steel ramp. Piglet, jumping high, thrust his hoof forward with the clear intention of hitting the alien mechanic on the head, but an unfortunate error crept into his mathematical calculations, and the piglet slammed into the wall, right next to Malazmik!!! Marazmik, shouting "What are you doing, you bastard!", stabbed the wall-slammed piglet in the backside with his favorite weapon - a sharply sharpened screwdriver for Special Cases (like this one). With a quiet moan, the piglet with the screwdriver in his backside slowly slid down the wall of the ship to the ground and, burying his snout in the chassis, fell silent... Winnie, seeing the screwdriver sticking out of the piglet's backside, cursed loudly and shouted:
- They ran over Piglet!!! To hell with them, to hell!!!!!!!!
The bushes rustled loudly, and from them, with the battle cry you already know, Eeyore flew out with a cart tied to his tail. The donkey stopped abruptly, but the cart, full of suitcases, continued to rush forward and dragged the confused donkey along... With a rush, the cart with the donkey tied to it crashed into the ramp and, sweeping everything in its path, crashed into the ship's cabin with a bang... Somewhere in the cabin, a terrible noise was heard, accompanied by the sound of breaking glass and a loud donkey's cry that something pinched him with a suitcase... And everything fell silent... Near the chassis, Piglet came to his senses, and pulling the screwdriver from his backside, stood up on both hooves, clinging to the chassis.
- Yo, guys, - Winnie high-fived Kro-Lik, - We got the wheels!!! Tigra, start the engine!
- For real, Winnie, - Tigra nodded his head towards the hatch, from which Eeyore was crawling out, cursing with every step, - The donkey messed up the whole passage! We need to clean up there first, then we can go in!!!
Winnie shook his head disapprovingly, staring at Eeyore, who was climbing down from the mangled ramp. Catching the bear cub's gaze, Eeyore waved his hoof towards the hatch:
- Why me? It's that stupid cart's fault, damn it, why am I always?
- You should have studied physics in school, - Tigra said in a lecturing tone, - Something about acceleration or something...
- Alright, guys, let's not quarrel, - Winnie the Pooh spoke up, - After all, there's something good in every bad situation - for example, we don't have to drag suitcases inside the ship now...
- Good, - said Rabbit, - Then let's throw these goats out of the cabin and fly on our business!
- Good, - Winnie rolled a joint, - Come on, sort it out there, and let's fly...
* * *
How the elephantopotamuses got to Cairo is unknown to the Author. Maybe they caught a ride and hitched to Egypt, or maybe they borrowed a magic carpet from the antique shop of Suslik - who knows! But, one way or another, the elephantopotamuses were slowly but surely making their way to Cairo.
* * *
After shaking the boar by the hooves, Rabbit and Eeyore threw the corporal somewhere into the bushes. Shaking his paws, Rabbit casually remarked:
- Got rid of the boar, now there's just one more jerk left!
- Eeyore, - Tigra's head popped out of the hatch, - What are you doing with the donkey?
- Throwing out the trash, - Eeyore grumbled, waving his hoof towards the bushes, from which the boar's hooves were sticking out.
Tigra laughed heartily:
- Trash, you say? Well, I brought you another piece of trash!!!
With these words, Tigra's head disappeared into the ship's hatch, and Marazmik's head appeared from the hatch. From somewhere below came a grunt, followed by Tigra's shout:
- Pull him!!!
Grabbing the mechanic by the head, Eeyore dragged the completely drunk Marazmik onto the ramp. Tigra's head reappeared from the hatch:
- Ugh, what a heavy bastard!!! This freak drank five bottles of owl vodka!
- So what, - Eeyore lazily lifted Marazmik by the scruff and looked him over from head to toe, - So what if he drank five bottles of vodka...
Waving his paw at the donkey, Tigra disappeared back into the hatch. Rabbit, pulling a carrot from his pocket, offered it to Eeyore, but the donkey refused, and Rabbit loudly crunched the carrot. Eeyore, dropping Marazmik on the floor, pulled a licked "SNICKERS" from the pocket of his tattered leather jacket and began to pick nuts out of it... Having satisfied his hunger, Eeyore and Rabbit took Marazmik by the hooves and, shaking him, threw him off the ramp into the bushes.
- That's it! - Rabbit shook his paws and looked around, - Clean!
* * *
The corporal slightly opened his eyes and looked around. Branches and nettles surrounded the lying boar. Pumbo tried to move his hoof, but didn't have time - something dark and heavy fell on him from above. Breathing vodka breath on the corporal, the stranger let out a long belch. The boar passed out...
* * *
- Oh, - Tigra sighed, looking gloomily at the ship's control panel, littered with buttons, lights, and all sorts of levers.
- Yes, - Winnie sighed, feeling the upholstery of the seat, - Not a bad ride! Piglet, the overly curious piglet, crawled all over the cabin and discovered a plaque attached to the transformer.
╔══════════════════════════════╗
║ (C) Nicolas Viper productions ║
╚══════════════════════════════╝
- Winnie, - Piglet squeaked, - This ride was developed on Kumaras, look, "VYPER PRODUCTIONS"!!!
Tigra settled into the pilot's seat and, throwing a paw over a paw, began to rock in it. Eeyore and Rabbit stumbled into the cabin.
- How's it going? - Rabbit inquired.
- Well, - Tigra carefully tapped the console, - Sort this out!!!
Piglet rummaged through the cabinets and found the "Viper" control manual. Opening the book, the piglet read:
"Get your brains out of the jars and thoroughly wipe them with a solution to prepare for the perception of information on how to operate our ship. After completing this simple operation, comfortably sit in the seat and prepare a bottle of vodka, as some parts of the instructions use non-normative vocabulary..."
Slamming the book shut, Piglet trotted over to the seat where Tigra was sitting and handed him the book.
- What's this? - Tigra inquired, examining the book and blowing off a thick layer of dust.
- The control manual, - the piglet loudly sneezed and, wiping his snout, finished his thought: - You read it for now, I'll run and grab a bottle!
- Sure, - Tigra nodded, opening the book, - Go ahead, but hurry up...
- Don’t forget the glasses! - Winnie shouted.
- And grab some pickles! - Rabbit added.
- In short, five glasses, five bottles, a jar of pickles, - Eeyore summarized, - And we'll all dive into the instructions together...
* * *
Two hours passed...
- So, - Tigra crunched a pickle and took big gulps from a glass of vodka, - It says here that... Hmm, here, I quote: "Feeling for the fifth item on the front console"...
- Found it, - Rabbit, already quite tipsy, placed his paw on the lever with the red handle, - Next...
- "... Pull it towards you..."
- Done...
- "You activate the autopilot, and you can set the course," - Tigra read with a slurred tongue.
- Set the course, - a mechanical voice sounded.
- Course of what? - Winnie asked, - Dollars, maybe?
- Set the course, - the voice repeated, - Course to the final destination.
Rabbit poked at the board computer's keys and pressed the "ENTER" pedal.
- Course set, - the voice said, - Enter the target...
- Mask, - Rabbit muttered, pressing the keys.
- Target unclear, please enter the target, - the voice monotonously repeated.
- Stupid computer! - Rabbit carelessly tossed, discovering the label "EBM INSIDE" on the keys, - Piglet, get over here! We need to break the system!!!
Piglet, heavily intoxicated, crawled to the computer and took the keyboard in his hooves.
- Break the system? - the piglet asked, belching, - Are you sure?
- Yes, - Winnie took a swig from the bottle, - Break it, Piglet, you're our tech genius!!!
- As you wish, but I wouldn't break such a system, - Piglet said indifferently, and suddenly, to everyone's surprise, he began to smash the keyboard against the console.
Something pressed, some levers shifted, lights began to blink cheerfully... The engine roared to life, the turbines started up, and Piglet, pleased with himself, tossed the mangled onboard computer to the floor.
- 20 seconds to launch, - the mechanical voice of the autopilot announced. Crew, take your acceleration seats, high-speed launch, course and target set... Just please don't let the pig near me anymore!...
- Piglet, you're our computer genius! - Winnie the Pooh exclaimed, settling into his acceleration seat, - You did it, you broke the system! I'm amazed!!!
- Winnie, it was me! - Piglet fell to the floor and fell asleep. Everyone settled into their acceleration seats, and Tigra, taking the pilot's seat, importantly pressed the "LAUNCH" button...
"Viper" smoothly lifted off the ground, hovered for a moment, and shot off like a bullet towards Egypt.
* * *
No one felt the overload from the wild speed, as almost all the overload was absorbed by the acceleration seats. Piglet, who had managed to climb into a seat during takeoff, snoozed peacefully, Winnie, Rabbit, and Eeyore also slept, and only Tigra, performing the role of pilot, was busy with the controls...
* * *
Egypt... The land of pharaohs and dried mummies. The land where the famous Egyptian pyramids stand, where pharaohs lie, whose faces were used to create the priceless relic, the golden mask of the pharaoh, which is currently in the Cairo museum...
* * *
- Wake up! - Tigra yelled, - We're approaching the city!
Winnie the Pooh rubbed his eyes and, yawning widely, looked at Tigra and asked if there was anything for a hangover.
- No, - Tigra replied, - Get the others, we'll be there soon!
- Alright, - Winnie replied and, grabbing Piglet by the hooves, pulled him out of the seat: - Piglet, wake up!!! Cairo!!!
* * *
Meanwhile, the elephantopotamuses were flying on a magic carpet borrowed from Suslik's shop. Somewhere below, skyscrapers appeared, and the usual sounds of an ordinary big city could be heard...
- Descending, - the Boss of the elephantopotamuses announced, biting into a sandwich with ham and washing it down with a bottle with a crooked label reading "S O M O G O N, Sava Ltd", - Land somewhere in a park, so there are fewer loafers. In short, somewhere deserted...
- Alright, chief, - Kolyan replied and, adjusting his flying goggles, pulled on the edge of the carpet, - We're landing!!!
* * *
Tigra, settling more comfortably into his seat, began to leaf through the instructions. Piglet, having tucked a bottle of vodka into his jacket, was secretly having a drink, Eeyore dozed, Rabbit was thoughtfully gnawing on a carrot, and Winnie the Pooh was just sitting there doing nothing. Looking out the window, the bear cub called out to Tigra:
- When is this thing going to land?
- We're about to land! - Tigra replied, slamming the book shut, - Right by the museum!
Pulling a couple of levers and pressing a few buttons, Tigra smiled condescendingly at Winnie the Pooh, showing the bear that he, Tigra, was a real pilot. The "Viper" engine sputtered and... died! The ship went into a tailspin... The piglet choked on vodka and dropped the half-empty bottle from his jacket. The bottle rolled under the console, clinking sadly... Eeyore and Rabbit lunged for the bottle. Diving under the console, Rabbit accidentally brushed a wire leading from the generator. Rabbit was slightly jolted, but that was enough time for the donkey to grab the bottle and drink it! Rabbit was out of it! Winnie the Pooh was tumbling around the cabin and loudly swearing, promising Tigra to either "tear him a new one" or "rip him apart"! Tigra, trying to fix the situation, began pressing all the buttons at once. The windshield wipers crawled up the windshield, plasma guns popped out of the "Viper's" body. With a loud roar, the guns fired a volley somewhere down, and a house in Cairo was reduced to rubble... Frantic with fear, Tigra ran around the cabin, shouting loudly:
- Look for parachutes, we're doomed!!! Parachutes!!! Look for them!!!
- Engine disabled, gravity system disabled, crew protection system in case of disaster activated, - the mechanical voice of the autopilot announced.
- Where, where is it? - Tigra screamed.
- Crew, take your starting positions, - the autopilot continued, - Countdown has begun: 1000, 999, 998...
- Look for them! - Tigra yelled, - The countdown has begun!!! Look for the system and parachutes!!!
- The system? - Piglet asked, - But I broke it!
- Stupid pig! - Tigra squealed, - Then look for the parachutes...
- 995, 994, 993... - the voice counted down.
* * *
So, the ship of the unfortunate robbers from the Evergreen Forest, under Tigra's control, successfully entered a tailspin and was rapidly approaching the ground...
- Boss, boss! - Vasek, clinging to the carpet, looked up, - Something is falling on us, boss!
Leisurely finishing his sandwich, the Boss wiped his paws on the carpet and looked up. Looking at the sky, the boss saw a small black dot quickly growing larger.
- Well, let it fall, - the boss finally said, - What’s the big deal?
Vasek, not calmed by the boss's words, continued to stare at the approaching object. Sunlight glinted off the armored surface of the falling thing, the plasma guns bristled ominously, occasionally spitting plasma somewhere down...
- Boss! - Vasek squeaked nervously, - It's the intergalactic police, boss! We've been betrayed! Corruption in our team! Help!!!
Giving Vasek a smack that nearly sent him flying off the carpet, the boss slowly raised his big head up.
- A!!! - the boss screamed, dropping the bottle of vodka from his paws, - Damn them! They're going to ram us!!!!
Patting Kolyan on the shoulder, the boss cupped his paws like a megaphone and shouted loudly in Kolyan's ear:
- Maneuver!!!
- What? - Kolyan didn’t understand, looking around.
The boss looked up again - the cops' ship was already close...
- Steer, you idiot! - the boss yelled, trying to wrest control of the carpet from Kolyan, - Turn!!!
Kolyan finally noticed the danger and, gripping the edge of the carpet, yanked it towards himself. The carpet made a sharp turn, resulting in the boss falling off. The "Viper," which was spinning, zipped past the carpet.
- Ugh, - Kolyan exhaled loudly, sniffling and wiping the sweat from his forehead, - That was close!
- Yeah, - Vasek nodded, - That was really close!.. Alright, let's dive - let's grab the boss, or he’ll...
* * *
- ... 298, 297, 296 - the voice of the autopilot counted down.
The cabin was in complete chaos - the future robbers were tumbling around the cabin like rats in a can, unable to do anything...
- Tigra! - Piglet, having rummaged through all the cabinets, was now tumbling with the others, - There are no parachutes!
- Damn it, - Tigra hissed, banging his head on the console, and gripping the back of the pilot's seat, - Everyone "hasta la vista"!..
The thick and pudgy body of Eeyore was stuck in one of the open cabinets. Just the one that the piglet had not managed to check.
- I found them, - Eeyore mumbled, struggling to free his stuck backside from the cabinet. Help me, damn it!!!
- Give me the parachutes! - Winnie the Pooh, tumbling over, grabbed the donkey, - Give them here, then we’ll pull you out...
- They’re in the cupboard! - Eeyore, gritting his teeth, was doing his best to get free from the cupboard.
Finally, the cupboard gave way - it simply tore off the wall, and the donkey began to fly around the cabin with the cupboard, creating a dangerous situation - the cupboard had very sharp corners...
- Where are the para... - Tigra began, but didn’t have time to finish - his voice drowned in the noise of metal and the "crew's" screams - apparently, the "Viper" finally met the ground...
* * *
Silence... Only the creaking of twisted metal and someone’s swearing occasionally broke the silence, but everything was quiet and peaceful... The "Viper," nose-first in the ground, stood like a post. Familiar faces grazed nearby and loudly shouted at each other...
- Alright, shut up! - Winnie the Pooh bellowed, - You’re swearing like little kids, I’m even ashamed of you... Don’t be these... what are they called... Anyway, it doesn’t matter... The main thing is that we’re in Cairo, and the rest is nonsense!..
- Let’s eat, - Piglet suddenly suggested, - Otherwise, after all the horrors and disasters, I’ve worked up an appetite.
Agreeing with the piglet's suggestion, the comrades unpacked one suitcase and pulled out five bottles of vodka and several bottles of beer. Eeyore took out some dried fish, and Rabbit offered carrots from his endless supplies. Considering whether to put his favorite vodka on the communal table, Winnie the Pooh crawled into his suitcase and pulled out a bottle of "Evergreen Forest" vodka.
- You know, - Eeyore said, gnawing on the fish, - I never eat until I’m stuffed. It’s a habit!..
- Yeah, yeah, - Tigra washed down the fish with beer and joked about the donkey: - You shouldn’t eat until you’re stuffed, it’s hard to roll over with a full belly!.. Hehe!!!
- Well, alright, let’s talk about the upcoming job, - Winnie the Pooh slowly sipped vodka from the bottle, - What are we going to do, how are we going to do it... In other words, who has a plan?
- A plan? - Tigra perked up, instantly forgetting about the beer and fish. His ears perked up, his eyes became glossy, his mouth stretched into a wide grin, and a red tongue lolled out. With that smile, Tigra greatly resembled Benny Hill...
- Yes, a plan, - Winnie sighed.
- I don’t have one, - Eeyore said, patting his pockets.
- You guys are fools, - Winnie the Pooh said, - You’re all thinking about the same thing - to pig out like swine...
- What swine? - Piglet stopped loudly slurping and making bubbling sounds while drinking beer, - Everything’s fine, Winnie!..
- ... Like swine, - Winnie the Pooh repeated and took a puff from the joint. - I’m talking about a different plan...
- A new sort? - Tigra asked.
- No! - Winnie the Pooh shouted, throwing an empty bottle into the ship. The bottle shattered, and the impact caused the "Viper" to tilt and crash down with a crash. Tigra looked at the fallen "Viper" and wisely decided to hold off on jokes.
- So, what suggestions do you all have? - the bear calmed down, - I'm listening...
- I have one idea, - Piglet spoke up, - Although it might seem crazy, but...
- Get to the point, - Winnie cut him off.
- So, here's the thing... - Piglet, taking a bottle in his hoof, began a long and detailed explanation of his idea...
* * *
- ... I could have been killed! - The Boss, once again on the carpet, began to gulp down a new bottle of vodka, - Come on, Kolyan, land the carpet...
Nodding, Kolyan bent the edge of the carpet. The carpet smoothly landed right in the middle of the square...
- Idiot, - the boss hissed in Kolyan's ear, avoiding the curious glances of the Cairenes, Roll up the carpet, and let’s get out of here!!!
- Alright, - Kolyan replied. Quickly rolling up the carpet, the elephantopotamuses gathered their things and melted into the huge crowd of the big city...
* * *
Night fell... Cairo began to live its nighttime life, neon lights of advertisements lit up on the buildings, but life in the city continued to thrive - people were constantly rushing somewhere, car horns blared... And no one suspected that near the most protected and high-tech museum in the world, two teams of robbers from the Evergreen Forest had gathered with the sole purpose of stealing the golden mask of the pharaoh from the museum...
* * *
A yellow taxi, swerving from side to side, approached the main entrance of the museum. Crashing into the fence, the car snorted and, after a couple of final coughs, died. The driver's door creaked open, and Tigra's head poked out. Looking around, Tigra climbed out of the car and waved his paw:
- All clear, no one is here! Get out!..
The doors of the car swung open, and four figures in black, tightly zipped leather jackets with stockings on their heads crawled out. With barely audible thuds, the thugs slammed the car doors and, rummaging through the trunk, pulled out a suitcase with thieving tools. Slamming the trunk shut, the bear pointed to the brightly lit entrance to the museum:
- Pig, go scout...
- Well, Winnie, why is it always me? - the pig protested, - Let Eeyore go!
- Piglet, go! - Winnie hissed.
- It’s stuffy! - Piglet tried to take off the stocking from his head, - I’m suffocating!
- I’ll show you!.. - Winnie slapped the piglet and pointed to the museum entrance, Go scout!..
Piglet, standing for a moment, turned around and trotted towards the brightly lit main entrance...
* * *
About ten minutes later, the piglet rushed back to his buddies. Breathing heavily, Piglet lay on the hood of the taxi and rested a bit. Adjusting the stocking on his head, Piglet reported to Winnie the Pooh about the situation around the museum. The bear nodded in satisfaction and asked the piglet about security.
- Security? - Piglet shrugged, I don’t know, I didn’t see anyone!..
- Alright, I don’t care about security! - Eeyore interjected, - If there’s security in the museum - Winnie and I will bend them like a ram's horn!
- Okay, shut up! - Winnie said, Grab the tools and go break down the front door. You have 50 seconds, then Eeyore and I will come up. Got it?
- Yes, - Rabbit barked, shouldering the heavy bag with thieving tools, - In forty seconds, the door will be open!..
Winnie the Pooh waved his paw and said, "Get out of here!", and Eeyore silently showed the piglet his fist / to which Piglet showed Eeyore "fuck"/. Rabbit and Piglet melted into the night...
* * *
- So, - the boss mumbled, gripping the carpet tightly, - I’m thinking about how we’ll get into the museum... This museum is nothing compared to ours...
Kolyan silently piloted the carpet, half-listening to the boss. Vasek sipped his vodka and listened intently to the boss, agreeing with every word he said. Below the carpet, the museum with brightly lit windows floated by, and not far from the main entrance stood a yellow taxi, wedged into the fence...
- Look, look, competitors! - Vasek squeaked, - They’re grazing down there!
The boss looked at the main entrance - near the big door, two figures were fiddling, one of whom...
- A pig with ears! - The boss pointed at the main entrance, - See, they’re breaking down the door? In short, let’s fly around the museum for a bit, and then, when those idiots open the door and run inside, we’ll land and storm the museum...
- And take the mask! - Kolyan grunted.
- Good idea, - Vasek added.
* * *
- Ouch! - Piglet squeaked when the hammer whizzed past the lock and hit his piggy hoof, - You’ll make me an invalid!
- Shh! Don’t yell, - Rabbit whispered, skillfully wielding the hammer.
The piglet pulled out some dynamite from the bag and lit the fuse. Inserting the dynamite into the keyhole, the piglet quietly said:
- Rabbit, run!
- You idiot! - Rabbit hissed, shouldering the piglet's bag, - Come on, move your hooves!
Piglet and Rabbit galloped towards waiting Winnie the Pooh....
* * *
And there was an explosion. The door, of course, was blown to pieces, as the explosives borrowed by the piglet from the brothers in the "Laser Squad" were of the highest quality. Flaming debris from the door flew far away. Flames soared high and lightly licked the elephantopotamus carpet. The carpet smoldered and, almost instantly burned to the ground, fell somewhere to the earth. The ground shook from the impact - it was the elephantopotamuses landing... Winnie the Pooh praised the piglet for the good work, and the guys headed towards the museum. Tigra stayed by the car...
* * *
The museum's security was handled by the guys from the "Wild Bees" commando squad, and since all these Wild Bees were known not to be fools when it came to drinking, the guards did not hear the explosion...
* * *
- Wow! - Piglet looked around, - Cool! I’m amazed by all this stuff and goodies, this must be worth a lot of money!
- Yeah, probably, - Eeyore looked up disinterestedly and surveyed the area.
- Stop devouring this worthless junk with your eyes, - Winnie the Pooh snapped, glancing at the gallery corridor.
A small corridor ended at the wide-open doors, in the doorway of which a thin beam of laser was barely visible. Looking at the paintings, Winnie the Pooh discovered that this "talentless scribble" was also under alarm protection. Piglet reached out with his hoof to touch the painting, but he was stopped by the bear's cry:
- Piglet! The alarm!...
The piglet's hoof instantly disappeared into the pocket of his jacket, and Piglet nervously glanced around the entire corridor. Winnie, pulling a crumpled piece of paper from his jacket pocket, smoothed it out and handed it to the piglet:
- Here, you’ll stomp along this map to the alarm control panel and quietly turn it off. Remember, Piglet, first disable the lasers, then turn off the cameras, and be sure to disable the alarm in the room with the pharaoh's mask. Got it?
- Got it, got it, - Piglet took the map from Winnie the Pooh's paws and looked at it.
In a crooked handwriting, Eeyore had scratched in the upper corner of the sheet: "ALARM DISABLE MAP", and a thick line was drawn with a blue marker along the corridors of the museum.
- Is the map correct? - Piglet asked just in case.
- Yes, the local jerk who installs the alarms in this museum shared his invention with Eeyore, - Winnie the Pooh nodded, So come on, go and turn off the alarm. You have two minutes...
The piglet, checking the map, went somewhere down the corridor...
* * *
The boss raised his head from behind the bushes and waved his paw to his companions:
- Let's go! They're already in the museum!
The elephant-hippos reached the entrance to the museum in short sprints. Peeking behind the broken door, the boss waved his paw again: All clear, let’s go!
The elephant-hippos tiptoed into the museum and galloped to the nearest staircase. Sitting on the steps, the boss rummaged through his pockets and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. Smoothing it out, he handed the paper to Kolyan:
- Here, the alarm map of this museum.
- Where did you get it, boss? - Vasya asked.
- Where, where? Where needed, I took it, - the boss snapped, - In short, Kolyan, you go to the alarm, turn everything off, and go up to the room with the mask of that... what's his name... in short, you go up to the room with the mask that we will take. Got it?
- Naturally, ja wohl! - barked Kolyan.
- Well, good, - The boss made himself comfortable on the stairs, - Go on, you have a couple of minutes...
* * *
Tigger was grazing near the car and looking around. But unfortunately, there was nothing suspicious. Tigger began to get bored and climbed into the car, where he comfortably settled into the driver's seat. Tigger started to yawn, his eyes began to close... Tigger rested his head on the steering wheel and closed his eyes. Soon the guard fell into a deep sleep, using the steering wheel as a pillow...
* * *
Piglet was moving down the corridor, checking the map after each step. Turning around the corner, the piglet saw a locked door in front of him and pushed it with his hoof. The door creaked open, and the piglet, taking a couple of steps, found himself in the room with the alarm control panel. Taking a screwdriver out of his pocket, Piglet marched briskly to the panel and, looking at the tangle of colored wires, thought hard. Pulling out a pair of wire cutters from his jacket, the piglet brought them to the bundle of wires and, taking a deep breath, cut the blue wire... Nothing happened!!!
* * *
Strangely, but for some reason all the neon advertising lights in the city went out without any visible reason...
* * *
Taking another breath, Piglet bit through the green wire. The surveillance cameras turned off. The cheerful piglet, feeling upbeat, easily nibbled through the red and yellow wires. The lights in the entire museum went out, and the streetlights in the city went dark... The confused piglet scratched his head. The emergency light turned on.
* * *
Kolyan was hopping down the corridor, occasionally checking the map. Turning around the corner, Kolyan crashed into the door and knocked it down with his hefty body. The guards jumped up from their places.
- What’s going on?! - shouted the First, hiding a bottle of vodka behind his back.
- Thieves! - squealed the Eighth, pulling out a truncheon.
- Commission! - shouted the Third, throwing a bottle out of the open window.
Kolyan, frozen in the doorway, checked the map again and realized his mistake - the map was upside down...
The First, quickly realizing what was going on, swung his truncheon at the elephant-hippo's head, loudly shouting:
- Eighth, Seventh, and Sixth, stay here, we'll take care of this one. The rest - to the floors! Ninth, call for backup!
- Yes, sir!
* * *
- Oh, it seems we have guests, - mumbled Rabbit, looking expressively somewhere behind Winnie the Pooh.
The bear turned around - three guards were approaching them. The striped flyers were shouting something loudly, shaking their truncheons. Rabbit, unable to bear it, dashed up the stairs. Eeyore, glancing at Winnie the Pooh, lazily nodded at the approaching cops:
- Shall we take out the cops?
- No problem, - Winnie, riding the donkey, charged at the guards with war cries.
The Fifth swung his truncheon, but didn’t have time to bring it down on the victim's head - the furious donkey rammed the policeman. Winnie commented on this fact with pleasure:
- Took out a cop! Two more...
The end of the phrase hung in the air - the guards were coming from behind - the Second and Fourth were running at the robbers from the front, while the Tenth and Third were approaching from the back. Eeyore lowered his head, and Winnie the Pooh, jumping off the donkey, sent the Fourth into a knockout with a direct blow to the jaw. The guard flew against the wall and fell silent.
- Get the taser ready, taser! - someone shouted, - In the donkey, in the butt!
Cutting through the air with a whistle, the guard's truncheon came down on Winnie the Pooh's back. The bear howled loudly, but immediately received a spinning kick to the stomach. From behind, someone poked a taser into the back of his head, and the bear blacked out.
The donkey was also out of luck... Kicking the Tenth and biting the Second, Eeyore lost his balance and fell. Jumping back on his hooves, Eeyore butted the recovering Tenth and bit the Second again by the leg, but the Third's truncheon, slicing through the air with a whistle, came down on the poor donkey's back. And again, and again! The concluding act of the baby-beating program was a shot from the taser into the donkey's rear, just as the Tenth wanted, who was crawling on the floor and collecting the teeth that had fallen out during the fight...
* * *
The Ninth tumbled down the stairs.
- Kolyan? So fast? - the boss turned around.
The Ninth sharply braked, but was still propelled forward by inertia. Vasya tripped the guard, and the Ninth stumbled, flying a distance and sprawling on the floor. He lay still and didn’t move.
- Done, - Vasya rubbed his paws together.
- There are a whole bunch of them here! - a bass voice came from somewhere above, - Did they take out the Ninth?! That’s it, the fun’s over, boys!...
Vasya and the boss looked up the stairs - there stood three more cops, the First and Seventh with the Sixth, who had already taken out Kolyan. The guards rushed at the elephant-hippos like a whirlwind. Truncheons whistled, fists flashed, loud curses were heard, but soon everything quieted down. The boss and Vasya, beaten from all sides with truncheons, lay on the floor, while the guards, bringing the Ninth back to consciousness, continued their raid on the floors...
* * *
Piglet was fiddling with the alarm panel, experimenting with the wires, when the door suddenly burst open, and the silhouette of a trembling Rabbit appeared in the doorway. Slamming the door behind him, Rabbit pressed his back against it and, stammering, said:
- The guards!...
- What’s so early? - the piglet didn’t understand, Did you turn off the alarms too soon?
- Fool! - Rabbit bleated, breathing heavily, - The cops are prowling the floors!..
- So what? - Piglet cut another wire, - Winnie and Eeyore will handle them all!
Rabbit shook his head but said nothing. Suddenly the door burst open again, slamming Rabbit against the wall, and the silhouettes of commandos from the "Wild Bees" squad appeared in the doorway.
- Another one, - smirked the First, playing with his truncheon.
- Pavavizatovom eyo, - mumbled the Tenth, holding his drooping lower jaw with his paws.
Piglet, startled, turned around. Casting a disdainful glance at the guards, the piglet froze in anticipation of who knows what...
- Get him, - the First waved towards Piglet, - Reinforcements will arrive soon with replacements, and then we’ll hand them all over...
A well-aimed throw from the piglet's wire cutters hit the First squarely in the forehead. This decided the piglet's fate...
-= E P I L O G U E =
How did this whole story end?
Well, it didn’t. Winnie the Pooh and his buddies, who dared to carry out a bold museum heist, were neutralized by the vigilant security and, of course, ended up back in the place where the sky looks checkered. In general, a strict regime camp, from which it is almost impossible to escape. However, our plush bear is plotting an escape and plans to make a run for it soon with his entire team from the walls of this "wonderful" establishment.
The elephant-hippos, beaten by the commandos, are recuperating in the hospital. And after their discharge, they will probably make another march to the camp. Concentration camp, naturally...
The commandos from the "Wild Bees" squad were recommended for a reward for their displayed bravery. The Tenth was gifted a new jaw with golden teeth by the museum management, so now the Tenth always smiles widely with his "golden" smile. The First received the rank of colonel, and all the others got a small copy of the golden mask as a keepsake from this failed robbery.
In the Evergreen Forest, the news that Winnie the Pooh's team and the elephant-hippos pulled off another heist was received differently:
Christopher Robin regretted his friends who ended up in the camp but couldn't help but gloat over the elephant-hippos' failure;
The underground business of Owl, based on moonshining and vodka production, was thriving. Of course - all the racketeers, damn them, are serving time!
And the other residents of the Evergreen Forest really didn’t care about the fate of the robbers.
And that’s how this story about the failed heist of the century ended...
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P. S. Any resemblance to names, places, call-names, etc. is purely coincidental.
P. S. A sequel may follow...
Contents of the publication: Adventurer #08
- От автора - Shaitan
Technical details of a new program interface for ZX Spectrum. Discusses improvements and features like scrolling and color change. Provides keyboard and button navigation instructions.
- От автора
Introduction by the author and editorial team details.
- Presentation
The article presents a software installer for creating autorun disks and introduces a new adventure game created with QUILL by Dr. Laser.
- Presentation of TRICK Software
The article presents TRICK, a new software for program protection developed by Eternity Industry, and discusses its beta and commercial versions. The author, Alexander Kalinin (aka Paracels/EI), addresses previous shortcomings in the software and emphasizes its improved interface. It includes purchase details for the software and invites readers to request it.
- Presentation
The article provides a detailed user manual for HELP_Z80, a free utility for ZX Spectrum that serves as an electronic guide for Z80 microprocessor commands. It outlines how to load and use the software, including command explanations, search functions, and integration with assemblers. Additionally, it includes memory distribution, operational features, and references for further reading.
- Interface
The article discusses reader feedback on the magazine's interface, addressing concerns about pricing and software trends in the ZX Spectrum community. It features a letter from a reader expressing thoughts on game pricing and the declining number of users on the platform. Additionally, there are discussions on software developments and user engagement.
- Interface
The article shares the author's experiences after purchasing an Amiga, comparing it with a PC, and discussing its usability for games, graphics, and music, while noting some software limitations.
- Interface
The article discusses user support issues faced by hardware manufacturers SCORPION and NEMO for ZX Spectrum devices. It critiques SCORPION for poor customer service despite being a market leader, while praising NEMO for responsive support. The author expresses concerns about the overall market direction for ZX Spectrum hardware.
- Interface
Article discusses the future of the Spectrum platform, addressing user demographics, software production challenges, and hardware evolution possibilities.
- Interface
Article discusses the frustrations of a Speccy user regarding hardware issues, the challenges of modern computing, and the dedication to maintaining the Speccy platform.
- Interface
Статья рассматривает жизнь и судьбы пользователей ZX Spectrum, включая личные воспоминания автора о друзьях и их взаимодействии с компьютерами.
- System
The article reviews various software for ZX Spectrum, including text editors, audio players, and graphic utilities. It provides independent opinions on their features and usability, highlighting both strengths and weaknesses. The piece emphasizes the evolution and improvement of software tools available for this classic platform.
- Overview of Games
Overview of notable games for ZX Spectrum, highlighting their graphics, sound, and gameplay mechanics. Each entry includes a brief summary and rating. Recommended for fans of retro gaming.
- Review of Demos
The article reviews demo versions of various games, highlighting their potential and unique features. It emphasizes the scarcity of such releases in the market and evaluates the quality and gameplay mechanics of selected titles. The author shares insights into the progress and expectations for future full versions of these games.
- Guests
The article discusses the formation and activities of the Eternity Industry group, its members, projects, and future plans for releases and competitions.
- Гости - Dr. John
An interview with Felix from Virtual Brothers discusses his transition from ZX Spectrum to PC, development of the game 'Winnie the Pooh', and future plans.
- Guests
Interview with the musicians Mарат and Демон from the band 'Disgust', discussing their musical evolution, influences, and perspectives on life and creativity.
- Promotion
The article provides a detailed manual for the game 'ENCYCLOPEDIA of WAR', explaining army selection, unit types, and battle mechanics.
- Promotion
The article provides a walkthrough for the game, detailing necessary items and strategies for progressing through various challenges, including dealing with dinosaurs and navigating villages.
- Promotion
Статья представляет собой обзор arcade adventure игры 'ELOPEMENT' от Omega HG, выделяя ее особенности и советы по прохождению.
- Promotion
Статья описывает текстовую адвентюру 'Остров тьмы' на QUILL, предлагая советы для игроков. Упоминаются механики и персонажи, включая загадки и взаимодействия. В конце представлена карта острова.
- Promotion of 'Knightmare'
The article describes the game 'Knightmare', detailing its commands, gameplay mechanics, and initial quests. Players control a knight who must interact with characters and solve puzzles to progress. It serves as a manual for navigating the game's environment and objectives.
- Experience Exchange
The article critiques the adventure game 'Island of Darkness' by Paul Moskow, highlighting its illogical design, lack of detailed item descriptions, and absence of helpful hints for players.
- Experience Exchange
The article provides a detailed manual for enhancing the ZX ASM 3.0 assembler, introducing debugging features and functionalities for better program execution control on ZX Spectrum.
- Experience Exchange
The article describes a phenomenon observed with the ZX Spectrum video controller, where switching between two screens can create unexpected visual artifacts. It outlines a specific program that demonstrates this effect through rapid screen toggling. The author discusses the implications and potential applications of this behavior.
- Обмен опытом - Иван Рощин
The article is a programming guide on porting the 'iris.ss' screen saver effect from Dos Navigator to ZX Spectrum, including source code and modification tips.
- Обмен опытом - Иван Рощин
Description of the OPEN_W procedure to create window borders. Includes details on customization of symbols and dimensions. Utilizes PRSYM for symbol printing.
- Обмен опытом - Maximum
Introduction to long integer operations for game development on ZX Spectrum, including addition, subtraction, and conversion to ASCII.
- Experience Exchange
The article discusses the customization of the ART STUDIO graphic editor by creating additional modules that enhance its functionality, including features like music playback and cursor coordinates display.
- Experience Exchange
The article describes a program developed to improve the visual quality of a pixel-by-pixel moving attribute message on ZX Spectrum. It provides details on the implementation, including the use of data arrays for motion trajectory and image rendering. The program includes comments for easier understanding and can be modified for different effects.
- Оттяг
The article features humorous sketches and commentary on various aspects of life and technology, including anecdotes about a fictional character's experience with a Pentium processor.
- Pharmacist Test
The article presents humorous tests designed to identify whether someone is a real pharmacist or a fraud, featuring situational questions and scoring to gauge knowledge of pharmacy.
- Oddities and Self-Reflection in 'Оттяг'
The article 'Оттяг' presents a humorous and critical self-reflection of the author, exploring various life experiences and quirks that highlight his unusual personality traits.
- Humorous Quiz: Assess Your Sense of Humor
The article presents a humorous quiz to assess one's sense of humor and sexual attitudes through various situational questions, revealing absurd and comedic perspectives.
- Student Types Quiz
The article presents a humorous quiz to determine what kind of student you are, ranging from a party animal to a diligent scholar. It features a series of questions regarding typical student activities and responses. The results categorize students based on their score, from carefree to nerdy.
- How to Properly Torture Windows 95 - Maximum
Статья описывает иронический подход к установке и эксплуатации операционной системы Windows 95, включая способы ее 'мучения' и троллинга. В тексте используются гиперболизированные примеры взаимодействия с ОС для создания комичного эффекта. Это развлекательный материал с элементами юмора.
- Ottyag
The article is a humorous narrative featuring Winnie the Pooh and his friends returning to the Hundred Acre Wood, where their carefree life turns chaotic. It describes their antics, including drinking and misadventures, as they reunite and encounter various challenges. The story showcases the characters' personalities and interactions in a comedic light.
- Novella
The article describes a humorous novella featuring Corporal Johnlan recounting his first military mission and his interactions with a young grandchild over beers.
- Novella
Novella recounts an adventurous escape from a Glot base using a vintage spacecraft, highlighting the protagonist's encounters and clever maneuvers.
- Novella
The article describes a whimsical story about two hedgehogs, Pukhly and Zaraza, who, after a strange event, develop wings and must navigate their new reality. The story blends fantasy and humor as the characters face unexpected changes and challenges. This is a novella showcasing imaginative storytelling.
- News
The article discusses recent updates from Rybninsk related to the FunTop party, detailing contributions from various individuals and teams for the 'Adventurer' magazine and demo competitions.
- News
Статья сообщает о событиях в сообществе Спектрумистов Ярославля, включая информацию о разработчиках программного обеспечения и их текущих проектах.
- Advertisement
The article is a collection of advertisements and announcements related to ZX Spectrum, inviting collaboration from programmers, artists, and musicians, and detailing how to acquire the journal and software.
