ZX Format #07: Humorous Adventures in 'Bored of the Rings'

Bored of the Rings

music by COOPER  
(C) Alex ASP  

A few comments.

And so the time has come for another tale, and today it will be none other than "Bored of the Rings" or simply "Boring." As many probably know, this work is a parody of Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings." It is worth noting that the text below is based on the adventure game Delta 4, which, in turn, is not a machine version of the book of the same name. J.R.R. Tolkien himself recommended that translators translate translatable (sorry!) names and titles, which has been done as much as possible. Now, about a few discrepancies. The fact is that Delta 4 released several versions of "Boring," which differ slightly from each other in text. Moreover, in 1994 the first chapter was written according to one version (CRL), while in 1997 the second and third chapters were based on another. In ZF, there will be (if there is) not the CRL version of all three parts, so the text will be somewhat different in places. Well, that's about it. In the distant future, possible outlines of a prequel - The Boggit, as well as a short story about Delta 4 with snippets from email correspondence with Fergus McNeil. But that is still somewhere out there, and here begins the story of the boggarts.

Chapter 1.

Frodo stood inside a huge tent, where Bimbo's birthday was being celebrated with great fanfare. A terrifying amount of food was piled high on overflowing tables, and one could hardly mention ale and stronger drinks. Well, there’s no point in discussing what is consumed, as that is not the most interesting part. Nevertheless, hundreds of stuffed boggarts helplessly floundered here under the weight of their overstuffed bellies. Suddenly, Bimbo rose from his chair at the far end of the tent. The noise immediately quieted to a dull roar. - Dear comrades! - he began. - On this momentous day, I would like to stay here and continue to annoy you. However, I cannot do that. So - farewell! There was an explosion, killing several guests in the process. When the smoke cleared, Bimbo was no longer in his place. Broken tables and chairs were buried under a burial mound of food and unconscious boggarts. Gallons of ale flowed directly onto the grass, and around the spot where Bimbo had recently sat, shrapnel lay scattered. There was nothing more to do here but look at this mass grave, and that is why Frodo went to Bimbo's house, hoping to find out something. - So, we need to find some stupid lemming who would take it and throw it somewhere where that old eyeball won't find it, - said Grendal to Bimbo as Frodo approached the door of the house. - But what kind of stupid idiot would be suitable for such dirty work as this... - and Bimbo fell silent upon seeing his nephew in the doorway. After a moment's hesitation, Bimbo shouted, "Catch!" and threw some object across the room. With a stunning lack of grace, Frodo caught it. - Aha, you'll take it, - Grendal smirked. - That's great. Now listen carefully. You will go to the black land of Dorrmor and destroy this. But first, go to Nukhond, who lives somewhere in Rivendell. And now your uncle and I must be off. Perhaps we'll see each other again. Bye! - Good luck to you, my dear nephew! - shouted Bimbo, and he and the old wizard hurried away. Frodo examined what he had caught. It was a small ring with the inscription: "Made in Hong Kong." Gathering his friends, or simply forcing them to go with him, Frodo set off eastward. The road led through the forest. Suddenly, the boggarts felt that someone was riding a horse behind them. - Into the woods! - commanded Frodo, and they all disappeared among the trees. After about seventeen moments, the Black Rider arrived. He stopped, seemingly sniffing the air noisily, then cursed, spurred his black steed, and rode on. Frodo crawled away in horror to the bushes. When he regained his composure a bit, he realized that his ears were still in place and had not completely wilted, as he had feared, but his understanding of where he was with the boggarts was completely absent. After a few hours, Frodo and his companions reached the banks of the Brendneym River, also known as Firm. The road led to a bridge but also meandered towards Farmer Khvorst's house. - So, should we drop by old Khvorst's? - asked Mraki. - What's there? - inquired Spam in response. Mraki looked around and, ensuring that no one but the boggarts was eavesdropping, whispered quietly: - Ale. - Ale what? - Spam didn’t understand. - Just ale, - Frodo answered instead of Mraki. - It's settled, let's go there. The entire house of the farmer was lined with barrels of ale. Seeing the uninvited guests, old Khvorst silently handed each of them a mug and poured ale with his usual motion. Frodo downed his in one go, burped twice, rolled over, and only after that felt a bit better. - Well, host, we must be off, - Spam hurriedly said. - What are you talking about! - Frodo hissed at him. - No one leaves so quickly, - and he thrust a mug, filled to the brim, into his hands. - It’s always like this, - Spam muttered sadly, - you want the best, but it turns out the same as usual. Waking up, Frodo realized that it would have been better for him to die in his sleep. Opening one eye, he could not understand where he was for a long time. After long, painful attempts to remember something, he finally realized that he was at home in Mersgorod. No matter how hard he tried to recall how he got there, nothing came to mind. He understood that they had to cross the bridge and then walk quite a bit on their own two feet, but how exactly they managed to do that remained a mystery to him. Shoving his companions, which was no easy task, Frodo set off for the Old Forest. The latter was vast, gloomy, and after just a few minutes of travel into its depths, no one could accurately say where anything was. Perhaps this was the result of a night spent in revelry. Be that as it may, soon they stopped by a large willow with long rubbery branches. The air was filled with a strange smell - a sort of mixture of something pleasant with the scent of decay. The boggarts began to feel sleepy, and they, not in very good shape, did not resist this feeling. A little time passed when Frodo woke up and found himself in a rather delicate position, that is, inside the old willow. It was dark, stuffy, and smelled bad. Feeling that Frodo had come to, the tree began to pulse and squeeze its prisoner. Gathering all his remaining will, Frodo shouted: "Help!" As a result of completely incredible coincidences, he was saved by a little man wearing tiny glowing shoes, who happened to ask the tree to relax, which it did, not understanding why. - Well, anyway, hello! - said the little man, whose name was Tim Bombodel. - Hello, - Frodo politely greeted him. - So, shall we go? - Tim asked the boggarts. - Let's go! - everyone agreed, not thinking about the consequences. From the hill, they saw light streaming from the windows of an old half-collapsed hut. Frodo decided to have a little fun and tripped Tim. - A-a-a! - he screamed, falling to the ground, and packages of syringes fell from his pockets. - ? - said Spam. - Ch. - began Pryschen. - Oh, what, mzhiki, you know, old Tim is diabetic, - Tim realized on the go. He picked up the syringes and smiled. - ? - Spam repeated, now more thoughtfully. Meanwhile, they approached the house. - Come in, - he invited, - meet my Hashberry. Tim's house was built in quite a strange style. In fact, there was only one room that could serve as several at once. Torn mats lying on the floor served as chairs, beds, and tables. - Wow! - Hashberry moaned and fell exhausted onto the bed as soon as they entered. - Hey, mzhiki, look, don’t let old Hashberry ruin everything, she’s just a traffic cop - knows all the traffic, - advised Tim. - Hi, Hash, - Mraki tried to start a small talk, but despite all the attention he paid, Hashberry remained in a state of unresponsiveness. The next day, the boggarts decided to move on. - Look here, mzhiki, - Tim addressed those gathered. - Here’s a fidget that will help you. And now old Tim and you will go different ways, - and he stepped away. The boggarts set off on their way. After wandering a bit, they truly got lost. So, wandering through the forest, they stumbled upon a rather strange creature with an equally strange name, which we will not name to avoid scaring children and women. He immediately began to rap: - Well, hello to you, boggart, What can I give you? If you are going to Morona, You'll learn the key from me. Noticing that Frodo was watching him, he began to perform something in the style of breakdancing to the howls of "Come on!", "A-eh!" and other such nonsense, clearly unrelated to the key. When the dance finally ended, Frodo heard only one normal word - "pepper." Deciding that the rap-breaker was not quite right in the head, the boggarts hurried away, as they did not know whether it was contagious or not. Finally, they came out onto a normal road. Nearby was Ui - the center of the boggarts' tourist business. At Frodo's insistence, the boggarts decided to stop by. The only attraction in Ui was the "Thin Stallion" inn. It was, as always, full of people: eight completely petrified trolls lay in a heap in the alcove, a small army of dwarves sat at the bar, playing cards for money and sketching designs for a cigarette-rolling machine, a long lizard was showing Balsvin how well a captured beautiful elf fit with his tail. Frodo decided to greet everyone, but that was not quite the right move. The trolls lying in the alcove said nothing, probably due to a lack of upbringing. The dwarves simply sent him somewhere towards Manhattan. The lizard, Balsvin, and the elf, apparently, were engaged in something purely personal and did not react to the boggarts' arrival. Frodo could only shrug and order something to eat, to snack on, and to munch a bit. Suddenly, the inn was filled with the sound of something breaking. Everyone turned, and just then, kicking down the front door, a tall, oddly dressed Stranger stumbled into the hall. Observed by all, he "unnoticedly" approached Frodo and began to wait, trying to look as un-suspicious as possible. The boggarts pretended not to pay attention to him. Unable to stand it, the Stranger decided to introduce himself: - Hi, my name is Aragorn, son of Artifex, and I have a whole bunch of names, like for example... - Please, kindly shut your mouth! - suggested someone from the gathered crowd. Aragorn frowned for a second but then decided to continue: - I will take you where you need to go, by a secret path. - Or maybe we don’t need your services, - Frodo said indifferently. - You do need them, you do need them, - Aragorn hastened to assure them. - Really? Well then, let’s bargain, - Frodo suggested, yawning. After long deliberation in the form of dinner and a couple of barrels of ale, paid for by Aragorn, the boggarts agreed to take him as a guide. Soon they left Ui and reached a fork: the road went from west to east, and a neon sign reading "Secret Path" pointed to a branch that Aragorn turned onto, followed by the boggarts. They had to make their way along a well-trodden four-lane (two lanes of traffic in each direction) secret path, known only to the Strangers guarding the Shire. The road passed at the foot of a mountain called Anhem Suem, better known as Perova. Climbing to the top to admire the surrounding view, the boggarts stumbled upon a stone that bore glowing runes saying: "Here was Grendal." Next to the stone lay a jar of pepper. - Again pepper? - Frodo wondered. - Does no one need it? Then I’ll take it for myself. Soon Aragorn led the boggarts to Rivendell, and then to Nukhond's house. There was another drunken party going on, and Frodo was not surprised to see Bimbo, Grendal, and some other unfamiliar faces there. A hospitable Nukhond rushed up to them: - Get out of here as soon as possible! His voice was barely audible over the noise created by Dorrmorian tanks and helicopters. - The enemy seems to suspect something about my relations with the ring-bearing boggarts, so it would be better for you to leave. He waved at a battle troll who was breaking down the back door and led Frodo outside, shoving a sword and a mithril jacket into his hands, which Frodo immediately put on. Along with the boggarts and Aragorn, Giblett (a dwarf), Legozem (an elf), Zaimir (sort of a warrior when not drunk), Grendal (no one remembers who he is), and a pack animal called the Spiller came out from Nukhond, and when everyone had gathered, they all moved towards the Uiiff Mountains. The initial plan was to pass through the mountains, but the only passage was blocked by snow. They had to do as all normal heroes do and take a detour, constantly hiding from the black raven spies. Eventually, they did reach the gates that barred the entrance to Morona. The area was dreary, and nearby the very gates was a dark pond. - Well, Grendal, open up, - Frodo said after no one was able to budge the doors with brute physical force. Grendal rummaged in his pockets and found a large hole, which considerably worsened his mood. - What a fool I am, - he scolded himself, - I lost what should not have been lost. - What is it, Grendal, that you lost? - Spam inquired. - Maybe we have something in the bag? - I lost the pepper, the pepper! - the old man cursed himself. - Again pepper? - Frodo was surprised and pulled a jar from his wide trousers. - Will this one do for you? - Where did you get it? - Grendal asked sternly, taking the pepper. - Didn’t anyone tell you that stealing is bad, especially stealing from an old wizard? - But I found it on top of Perova! - Frodo protested. - You can ask Spam, Pryschen, or Mraki, or even Aragorn. - Well, fine, I believe you, - Grendal calmed down, - but don’t you dare lie to an old man again! And now - disco! - and he threw the jar of pepper to the ground. - A-a-choo! - sneezed Giblett, knocking aside stones in his path. A huge hole appeared in the rock. - And now, forward! - commanded Grendal when everyone had sneezed, and pointing to the created passage, he entered. The others followed him. A few minutes later, a huge monster covered in stinking slime, menacingly waving a spackling spatula, sealed the hole that Giblett had made in the rock. With a wild laugh, which froze blood in their veins, he disappeared in an unknown direction, and the place where events had just unfolded was enveloped in darkness.

Contents of the publication: ZX Format #07

• From the Authors
  Update on SMUC, distribution issues, and plans for future ZX Format issues. Authors address outdated SMUC info and distribution problems of ZF-6. Upcoming content includes game descriptions and new projects.
• Аторы журнала
  Contact information and editorial team details for ZX-Format No.7. Provides mailing and electronic addresses, as well as contact phone numbers. Information on the availability of their website and specific contact instructions.
• Содержание номера
  The article provides an overview of notable software releases on the St. Petersburg market for autumn. It also includes detailed descriptions of games, programming tips, and hardware projects. Interviews, philosophical tales, and reader letters enrich the issue.
• Игрушки - Welcome
  An overview of software novelties for ZX Spectrum, including games like 'Los Angeles Drugs Bust' and 'Jungle Warfare'. Each game description provides insights into graphics, gameplay, and features. A variety of genres from action to strategy are covered, showcasing the diversity of software offerings.
• Игрушки - Алешкин А.В.
  The article describes the game 'TAI-PAN' as an arcade-economic game set in the 19th-century East, focusing on trading and survival amidst pirates and danger. It details the gameplay mechanics, such as trading goods, managing finances, and navigating seas with different ships. Despite its engaging plot and interface, the game didn't achieve much popularity in Russia.
• Игрушки - Soft
  A whimsical narrative in a fantastical world where colors converse with the Last, a character recounting tales of ancient humans, coders, and a mysterious past. The story explores themes of language, translation, and the creation of 'the Last' amidst fantastical beings like flying hippos and sea giraffes. It serves as a fictional narrative with humorous elements, blending science fiction with satire.
• Игрушки - Alex ASP
  A parody on Tolkien's 'The Lord of the Rings' named 'Bored of the Rings' by Delta 4 is explored. The text references adaptations, humorous adventures of characters like Fordo and Bimbo, and differing versions from Delta 4 over the years. Anticipated prequels and correspondence excerpts with Delta 4's Fergus McNeill are mentioned.
• Игрушки - Гил-Гелад
  The article provides a detailed guide on navigating the 3D Construction Kit interface for ZX Spectrum. It explains menu options for file management, game setup, and in-game conditions. Additionally, it covers object creation, editing, and logic implementation within the program.
• Программистам - Дмитрий Рудовский
  The article concludes the description of BB commands and provides tips on their usage. It details the usage of the CLOCK command for time and alarm management on ZX Spectrum. Additionally, it explains the SORT command for array sorting and introduces new logical and mathematical functions.
• Программистам - Angel
  Introduction to assembly programming for beginners, covering basic concepts and commands. Detailed explanation of processor registers and flags, with examples. Offers practical advice on transitioning from Basic to assembly language.
• Программистам - GreenFort
  Discussion on fast calculations in assembler for tasks like vector graphics and astronomy. Describes procedures for binary division and multiplication, with examples for different byte sizes. Highlights the adaptability of these methods for increased precision.
• Программистам - TP, Stinger
  Detailed technical description of the Mod file format for music composition on ZX Spectrum, focusing on structure and data offsets for title, instruments, and patterns.
• Программистам - Research
  The article describes the capabilities and limitations of the Convert program, focusing on its use for converting images to the BMC format. It includes technical details about the program's functions, such as dithering methods, sprite and screen format output, and the removal of extraneous dots. Additionally, the article briefly discusses the source code of X-Color and its potential applications.
• Обзор
  The article discusses the ENLiGHT'97 demo-party held in St. Petersburg on August 24, 1997, featuring platforms like Spectrum, Amiga, and PC. The event attracted around 1100 delegates, leading to overcrowding and technical issues, which caused the cancellation of the second day. Despite these issues, the event was generally enjoyable, and there is hope for another event in 1998.
• Обзор
  Review of VideoFAIR exhibition in Manezh with highlights on video and audio equipment. Amiga-service and various companies showcased their technological advancements in video editing and broadcast systems. Notable innovations include 3D laser-scanned displays and professional audio solutions.
• Железо - Nemo
  Discussion of KAY technology export to decentralize Spectrum production. Highlights potential benefits and challenges of local manufacturing. Emphasizes quality assurance and support systems.
• Железо
  The article describes the development of a new Scorpion motherboard, focusing on enhancing graphics, speed, and compatibility with modern peripherals like IBM keyboards and mice. It introduces the GMX (Graphic Memory Extension) board, designed to upgrade existing Scorpion models to match the capabilities of the new motherboard. The GMX board offers significant improvements in memory, graphics, and processing speed, while maintaining compatibility with ZX Spectrum and Pentagon standards.
• Железо
  The article provides a detailed overview of two popular audio amplifiers for ZX Spectrum users in St. Petersburg. It highlights the advantages and specifications of the 2 X 2W low-voltage amplifier and the 2 X 22W car amplifier. The article also includes a price list and ordering instructions through the 'Nemo' company.
• Примьера
  The article describes the improvements and features of the Turbo Assembler version 1.1 for ZX Spectrum. It highlights the differences from version 1.0, such as bug fixes, screen size changes, and added features like line editor and syntax checking. It also details the memory allocation and provides a guide on using the editor and compiler functions.
• Примьера - STS
  Description of the Riff Tracker MOD-editor for General Sound, its features, and functionalities. Provides detailed instructions on using editing and sample management. Notes on the current version limitations and expected improvements.
• Примьера - Paul Atrides, Alex Noman
  Presentation of Oberon Creative Pack, consisting of ZX-WinWord and Sprite Cutter. ZX-WinWord is a text editor combining text and graphics with advanced features. Sprite Cutter allows sprite creation and manipulation in various formats.
• Примьера
  Presentation of the second demo version of the game Headball by ZX-Masters, discussing its features and improvements since the first demo. The game offers two-player mode, four levels, three types of projectiles, various options, and computer difficulty settings. Availability of Turbo mode and enhanced synchronization and animation make it unique among other Spectrum games.
• Интервью - Ruster
  Interview with Digital Reality about ongoing projects like DOOM and Paradise Lost. Discussion of challenges and progress in game development. Preview of their submissions for the ENLiGHT event.
• Интервью - Ruster
  Interview with members of the newly formed group EXTREME. They work on demos for Spectrum and Amiga platforms and discuss their team members and activities. The interview also touches upon the state of the Amiga scene in Moscow.
• Интервью - Борис Прытков
  Interview with Samara-based Spectrum enthusiasts discussing their achievements and challenges. Emphasis on community building and publication of Oberon magazine. Efforts to establish a Spectrum network and convert the game WALKER.
• Интервью - Борис Прытков
  The article is an interview with members of the group Flash inc. discussing their projects for ZX Spectrum and PC, including a music editor with an innovative interface and a new multicolor graphic editor.
• Интервью - Михаил Акимов
  Interview with Moscow-based group Progress discussing their current work on Spectrum demos, plans for future projects on Amiga, and opinions on the Russian demoscene.
• Интервью - Михаил Акимов
  Interview with Felix about changes in the tech landscape, the enduring appeal of Amiga despite PC dominance, and his work on 'Winnie the Pooh - 2' for Spectrum.
• Интервью - Ruster
  Interview with Slash about the ENLiGHT event, including sponsorship issues, attendee behavior, and the quality of music and demos. Discussion of the current state of the Spectrum and Amiga markets. Commentary on music trackers and the future of hardware development.
• Интервью - Ruster
  Interview with V. Mednonogov after ENLiGHT'97 discussing impressions of the event, future of Spectrum, and his current project 'Black Raven'. Mednonogov shares his views on new hardware and software development and the importance of copyright. He also discusses his plans for upcoming projects and the challenges faced in game development.
• Здесь был ты
  A satirical guide to gaining power and invisibility using magical rituals and Orbit gum.
• Здесь был ты - Saggitarius
  A contemplative novella about a man's existential journey after encountering a mysterious individual offering a device called the Stop Crane. Through flashbacks, the protagonist reflects on his life, uniqueness, and his desire to break free from societal constraints. Ultimately, he faces the moral dilemma of using the Stop Crane to transcend time and existence.
• Почта - Eagle Soft
  Critique of ZX-Spectrum software, highlighting the limitations of current programs and recommending the removal of outdated tools. Discussion on the limitations of assembly programs and the need for more efficient assemblers like M80. Evaluation of current music and graphic editors, with a focus on the redundancy of certain applications.
• Почта
  Discussion of reader inquiries on ZX Format distribution and content. Responses include details on acquiring issues and technical insights on the KAY-256 computer. The magazine also addresses criticism of its market outlook article.
• Почта
  This advertisement highlights XL Design Inc.'s software distribution campaign, offering games like 'Plutonia' and upcoming releases such as 'Mortal Kombat'. Mouse controllers are promoted with humorous selling points and pricing details. Studio LOGROS provides a wide range of software and peripherals, with options for local and remote purchases.
• Разное - Александр Сысоев
  The article discusses the creation of an RPG game by the OBERON GROUP, inspired by 'Eye of Beholder'. It describes the game's humorous plot set in a distant galaxy and the battle against invaders on a planet named Agima. The team invites musicians, artists, coders, and scriptwriters for collaboration.
• Разное - Viator
  The article describes the development of a new graphics editor called STATE OF THE ART for ZX Spectrum, aiming to improve upon existing editors like ART-STUDIO and ARTIST-2. The team AVALON, inspired by feedback from the SPECCY artist community, incorporates features from editors on Amiga and PC, while also addressing specific user requests. Key features include a user-friendly interface, enhanced magnify mode, advanced shape and window manipulation, and optimized performance.
• Разное
  Discussion on enhancing consumer quality of Spectrum computers without altering their technical specifications. Suggestions include improving existing support, developing platform ideology, and structural changes. The article also touches on the potential of electronic books and their commercial viability.
• Amiga Club - Максим Петров
  The article describes the author's admiration for the Amiga computer, emphasizing its aesthetic and technical merits compared to other platforms. It explores the author's programming experiences on Amiga, highlighting its efficiency and the impressive capabilities of its new hardware upgrades. The article concludes by reflecting on the unique community and passion of Amiga enthusiasts.