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│ HUMOR │
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An Arab and his daughter are traveling through the desert on a camel. They are caught by bandits. - My daughter, where shall we hide the jewels and money? - Father, I will hide them where only a woman can hide them... The bandits attacked, searched the travelers, took the camel, and rode away... - Father, why are you sad? The money and jewels are safe! - Oh, daughter... If your mother were with us, we could have saved the camel.
* * *
A wife enters the room after a shower, opens her robe, and asks her husband: - Well, how do I look? - Gorgeous! If you were someone else's, you would be priceless!
* * *
Four wishes of a husband in bed:
1. That the children fall asleep quickly.
2. That the mother-in-law falls asleep.
3. That the wife doesn't fall asleep.
4. That the desire doesn't fade away.
* * *
A black woman is washing clothes in a river, her skirt is lifted so high that her bright red underwear is visible. A bull standing nearby charges at her, ripping the red rag with its horn. Without turning her head and continuing to wash, the woman calmly says: - I don’t know who you are and where you’re from, but I come here every Monday and Wednesday.
* * *
In Paris, a gentleman, wanting some fun, gets into a taxi driven by a young lady. - Take me to the cheapest brothel. - Sir, you are already in it!
* * *
Ivan comes to church. A priest is sitting there with his hands bandaged. - Father, I have sinned. - What have you done? - I raped a cat. - How did she not scratch you? - Well, I stuffed her in a boot. - Yes, you are clever, my son. I didn’t think of that.
* * *
An old count married a young woman. On their wedding night, the wife lay in her room while the count lay in his. The wife thinks: - With such a husband, I need three lovers... What is he capable of? Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. - Countess, - the count opened the door, - I’m sorry, but I must fulfill my marital duties. After finishing, the count left. The countess lies there thinking: "The count is fine, two lovers will be enough." Suddenly, there’s another knock at the door. - Countess, - the count stood at the door, - I’m sorry, but I must fulfill my marital duties. The count finished and left. The countess lies there thinking: "Good job, count, one lover will be enough." Suddenly, there’s another knock. And again the count fulfilled his marital duties. The countess no longer thinks about lovers. Suddenly, for the fourth time, the count enters. - Excuse me, countess, I must fulfill... - Count, how much longer? You've already been to me three times... - Oh, I’m sorry, the cursed sclerosis tormented me!
* * *
Wife to husband: - My God, they’ve started showing nothing but pornography on television. Either naked women or deputies.
* * *
Three friends aged 30, 40, and 50 go to a resort. After a while, their husbands receive a telegram with one word: "BEER". They gathered, guessed, and decided to go to a fortune teller. She asks the youngest: - How old is yours? - Thirty. - So she writes: "Constantly Cheating, I Will Definitely Return." - The one who is forty writes: "Trying to Change, I Will Return - Explain." And the fifty-year-old: "I Propose to Rape - Everyone Refuses."
* * *
One man tells another: - I come home, and she’s there with her lover. In a fit of rage, I sat at the table, finished off two of their bottles of vodka, sang sad songs, and then realized - the apartment isn’t mine.
* * *
Natasha is dancing with Lieutenant Rzhevsky. - Lieutenant, tell me something interesting... - With pleasure! Once, when we went to screw horses... - Rzhevsky! How can you be so shameless! - Natasha exclaimed and ran off in tears to complain to her father. - Oh, daddy, this Rzhevsky is such a lowly man! - Yes, lowly, - the father agrees. - Every time we went to screw horses, he took a stool with him...
* * *
An advertisement in a dating service: I am so tired of loneliness! About myself: I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t eat, I lie and wait. You can see my photo at the cemetery.
* * *
A young widow 50/50/50 is looking for a life partner. Never been married.
* * *
The bride comes out of the Palace of Weddings. Next to her, a chimpanzee is limping in a tuxedo. The friend (with a sigh): - Yes, now Ninka will live in New York, so what if it’s in the zoo?!
* * *
Two Chukchi: - I opened the first striptease show in the tundra. - And what, do women undress right away? - Not right away, but gradually: first one thigh, then the other.
* * *
Two friends meet, one says: - Listen, I slept with a weightlifter yesterday. - And how was it? - It felt like a huge wardrobe fell on you with a little key.
* * *
Colleagues meet: - Hi! First of all, I recently came back from Hawaii, where I met your wife. Secondly, I slept with her. And thirdly, how do you like "secondly"? - First of all, I divorced her a long time ago, secondly, she has AIDS. Thirdly, how do you like "secondly"?
* * *
Two meet: - Do you know what the last stage of syphilis is? - No, I don’t know. - It’s when the cross on the grave sinks.
* * *
At the doctor. - Undress, patient. Wow! Why do you have iron underwear? - To protect against AIDS. - And why don’t you have toes? - Well, once the rubber band broke.
* * *
- What’s wrong with you? Why are you on crutches? - Well, I wanted to get down from the roof by the ladder. - And what? - But there was no ladder.
* * *
- Do you have colored TVs? - Yes. - Then give me a green one.
* * *
- I heard your wife is learning to drive. How is she doing? - Not bad. She’s already daring to open her eyes at intersections.
* * *
The commander built a regiment and asks: - Soldiers! Tell me, do birds need money? - No! - the formation shouted. - So, eagles! I drank your salary.
* * *
- Mom, I found dad. - I told you not to rummage through garbage bins.
* * *
Prices in a brothel. Sexual act - 100 dollars. Watching a sexual act - 200 dollars. Watching someone watching a sexual act - 300 dollars.
* * *
Shтирлиц wakes up in the morning, tied hand and foot, and starts to remember what happened to him. After long contemplation, he decides: "If people in black enter the cell - then I am in the Gestapo and I am Shтирлиц. If in green - then I am in the NKVD and I am Isaev." Two people in gray enter, lift him, and drag him through the corridors. Tied up, he kicks and screams: - Why?! - You got drunk like a pig at the reception yesterday and caused a riot. And you are a People's Artist, citizen Tikhonov!
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Shтирлиц sat cross-legged. The cross-legged position immediately started and moved.
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Shтирлиц crossed the border unnoticed. He learned about it from the morning newspapers.
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Müller called Shтирлиц to his office and sarcastically asked him: - Shтирлиц, what color are my underpants? - Red. - So you got caught! - Müller exclaimed joyfully - only I and the Russian radio operator Kat knew about this. - Stop being sarcastic, Müller, and zip up your fly, or the whole department will find out.
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Shтирлиц was stoking the stove. The next day, a note about the brutal murder of a Gestapo employee appeared in the newspapers.
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Professor Pleishner jumped out of the window when he realized that the meeting had failed. Never before had the old scientist spread his brains so wide.
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Shтирлиц wanted to hang a curtain, but it was not easy - the curtain resisted and hit him on the head with a dumbbell.
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A call from Hitler to Stalin: - Stalin, did your people take secret documents from my safe? - I will find out. A call from Stalin to Shтирлиц: - Shтирлиц, did you take anything from Hitler’s safe? - Yes, comrade Stalin. - Then put it back - people are worried.
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Müller was driving his car at breakneck speed. And next to him walked Shтирлиц, pretending to take a stroll.
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Shтирлиц was shivering. The shiver served in the Gestapo.
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Meeting Gestapo officers, Shтирлиц drew his sabre and shouted: - I will chop you up! The Gestapo officers pooled a ruble each and ran away.
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Shтирлиц was walking through the forest and stumbled upon a branch. The bitches squealed and ran away. The squeal was the first to run.
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The Russian radio operator escaped. The Gestapo sounded the alarm. The alarm died silently.
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Shтирлиц entered Bormann's office and saw him lying on the table with an axe stuck in his head. "He hanged himself," thought Shтирлиц.
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May of forty-five. At the ruins of the Reichstag stands Shтирлиц, adorned with Soviet orders and medals. Gestapo officers pass by on motorcycles. "Metalworker," the Gestapo officers thought. "Rockers," thought Shтирлиц.
Vasily Ivanovich and Petka. Petka and Chapayev are sitting on a palm tree. Suddenly, an elephant approaches and starts shaking the tree. - Vasily Ivanovich, maybe it has a nest here? - You fool, Petka, it lives in a burrow!
* * *
Petka and Chapayev are walking through the desert. There’s a well. - Is anyone there? - Chapayev shouts into the well - Is anyone there... Is anyone there... - Maybe there’s no one here? - There’s no one here... There’s no one here... - Maybe throw a bomb? - No one is here... No one is here...
* * *
- Vasily Ivanovich! The Whites! - Throw a grenade! - Here you go, Vasily Ivanovich!
* * *
Chapayev is writing a decree. - Petka, how do you write "Tuesday" or "vtornek"? - I don’t know, Vasily Ivanovich, I’ll run to Furmanov, grab a dictionary, and check. Petka comes back after a while. - Vasily Ivanovich, there’s no such word starting with "f" in the dictionary! - ...Well..., okay, I’ll write - a day earlier than Wednesday.
* * *
Petka runs in and joyfully shouts: - Vasily Ivanovich, I just killed a bun! - What bun? - I was walking and saw a bun rolling. So, I chopped it with my saber! - You fool, Petka, that was Kotovsky digging trenches.
* * *
Riding camels through the desert, Petka and Chapayev. - Petka, look - a saxaul. - That’s not a saxaul, Vasily Ivanovich, that’s an aksakal. - It’s the same - a tree.
* * *
- Vasily Ivanovich, what is a computer? - Where did you hear about it? - They broadcast it on television. - Well, Petka, you’re mistaken, televisions haven’t been invented yet.
* * *
- Vasily Ivanovich, they brought a white one! - How many boxes?
* * *
Chapayev is lying on the stove, reading RKPb. Suddenly, Petka bursts in - Vasily Ivanovich, the white ones have gone on the attack! Where’s the grenade? - Over there, in the corner, it’s lying, Chapayev replied without getting up. - When you repel the attack, put the grenade back.
* * *
- Vasily Ivanovich, your wife has arrived. - First of all, Petka, it’s not to you, but to "you"... - No, Vasily Ivanovich, she came to us yesterday.
* * *
- Vasily Ivanovich, what are you dreaming about? - About a woman. - Then go to Anka. - I’ve already been.
* * *
Petka comes to Chapayev: - Vasily Ivanovich, I killed a chicken! - With what, Petka? You don’t have any bullets... - I did it with a boomerang! - Sure! And where did you get it? - On the stove... - Well... If you take my socks from the stove again, I’ll break your blanket!
* * *
They sent Petka on reconnaissance. He walks through the enemy village, sees a line, and at the front, a woman is bent over, and everyone is screwing her. Petka stood in line, and then again. He returns from the mission and goes to Chapayev’s headquarters. He starts to tell what he saw, and then Anka comes in and reports: - The mission to spread syphilis among the enemy has been successfully completed. Some fool even stood in line twice.
Miscellaneous - Dad, what does "Stone Age" mean? - It means that everything was made of stone back then. - Everything? Even televisions?
* * *
A boy comes home from school, and his mother asks: - So who did they call today? - You, mom.
* * *
- Are you my husband's new secretary? - Yes. - I hope you’re not as energetic as your predecessor? - Who was my predecessor? - I was.
* * *
A Chukchi calls the airport: - How long does the plane fly to Chukotka? - One moment... - Thank you.
* * *
A client enters a brothel and sees only mermaids around. - I would like a woman with legs! - he says. - Today is fish day.
* * *
At midnight, the wife wakes her husband: - Leva, I think there’s a mouse squeaking somewhere... - So what do you want from me? Should I go save it?
* * *
- This year I had a great vacation! - Did you go to the sea? - No, at home. My wife and mother-in-law went to the sea.
* * *
- Is your wife at home? - No, she’s at an auction. - And how much do you want to get for her?
* * *
A soldier turns his mug upside down and approaches the sergeant. - Look, the top is sealed! - Outrageous! There’s no bottom either!
* * *
From a TASS report: - Yesterday, an American submarine collided with an iceberg and sank in the Black Sea. The iceberg's crew was awarded the Order of Lenin.
* * *
- Rabinovich, where do you get money? - In the drawer. - And who puts it there? - My wife. - And where does she get it? - I give it to her. - And where do you get it? - I already told you - in the drawer.
* * *
A call to the KGB. - Tell me, has my parrot flown to you? - No. Why? - Just so you know, I don’t share his views.
* * *
- Is it safe to swim here? - I wouldn’t advise it, the river is teeming with crocodiles. - What about where it flows into the sea? - There it’s safe. The crocodiles don’t appear there. They fear sharks.
* * *
Two mosquitoes are flying. Suddenly one falls down. The other asks: - What happened? - A fly hit me in the eye.
* * *
- My neighbor brewed moonshine again this week, - one peasant says to another. - How did you figure that out? - Because his rabbits beat up my dog again.
* * *
Mom returns from visiting and says to Vovochka: - Not only did you fall asleep when Aunt Sima was singing romances! But you also woke up when she hit the high note with the scream: "Let the dog in the house!".
* * *
A student comes home from school, and his grandmother asks: - So what did you do today? - We did experiments with explosives in chemistry class. - What do you have tomorrow at school? - Which school, grandmother?
* * *
- How did you spend your vacation? - The first half in the mountains. - And the second? - In a cast.
* * *
Two old Bolsheviks: - Do you remember, Vasya, how we took the Winter Palace? - Yes, we were hot-headed back then.
╔════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ Taken from various magazines ║
║ and newspapers ║
╚════════════════════════════════════════╝
17.04.98 GREY BEETLE.
Contents of the publication: Micro #02
- Cheat'ы к играм - Player
Compilation of cheats for various games on ZX Spectrum, including methods for activating cheats and their effects. Many of these cheats were previously published in other magazines. The article is aimed at gamers looking for tips and shortcuts.
- Быть или не быть
Discussion on the feasibility of purchasing a digitizer for collective use in Donetsk, exploring its costs and benefits.
- О музыке.
Concert review of Gorky Park in Zaporizhzhia, September 1997. Includes band lineup and notable events. Also features humorous hospital anecdotes.
- From the Editorial Team
The article announces the release of the second issue of Micro, highlighting its new design and the lack of support for the Kempston Mouse. A contest for the best Kempston Mouse driver is introduced with specific requirements. The chosen driver will be featured in the next issue, and the author will receive recognition.
- Системки
Comparison of various commanders for ZX Spectrum, focusing on F Commander, CONVER Commander, and JEMMINI Commander. Discusses usability, functionality, and memory handling. Personal opinions and recommendations provided.
- Советы играющему - Player
Game tips for King's Bounty, focusing on battle strategy, magic use, and known glitches.
- Tips for Gamers
Article discusses the game Tai Pan, detailing experiences of price fluctuations in the WAREHOUSE and hints at a possible cheat or bug affecting gameplay.
- Humor - Grey Beetle
The article presents a collection of humorous anecdotes and jokes, featuring various cultural references and light-hearted commentary on everyday situations.
