The following parody was written at a time when the correspondence of your letters had to be read alongside all sorts of game descriptions, which are now published in huge quantities by various companies. After struggling to digest hundreds of kilobytes of computer literature, my inflamed brain produced the following conclusion:
┌────────────────────┐
│ │
│ BRIEF GUIDE │
│ │
│ TO │
│ │
│ GAME DESCRIPTIONS │
│ │
│ (USER MANUAL) │
│ │
└────────────────────┘
With examples and comments.
INTRODUCTION
Every self-respecting computer player keeps kilograms of game descriptions at home in a prominent place. And this is understandable: it is always useful to have a solid description of an interesting and complex game on hand. The help that authors of good works provide to novice PLAYERS cannot be overestimated.
In recent years, a whole series of collections have been published, covering thousands of games for "ZX-SPECTRUM". Our USER MANUAL is designed to help the user navigate the ocean of this literary abundance.
Let's try to turn our gaze to all the producers of "computer literature" using the example of the simple Russian game TETRIS. How could this game HAVE BEEN described by our publishers?
1. "SOLON".
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┌──────────────────────────────┐
│ TETLIS │
└──────────────────────────────┘
A well-known game about the positioning of cubes in a glass. You need to place as many as possible. You take a square and place it in a certain spot. Controls: standard set.
┌──────────────────────────────┐
│ TEMTIS │
└──────────────────────────────┘
A game that has traveled the world. You need to fill rows with shapes. Rating as of 1917 - 99.9 percent. Controls: standard set.
┌──────────────────────────────┐
│ TEREMTIS │
└──────────────────────────────┘
An analog of the game on IBM. Good graphics. Excellent sound effects. Helpful tip: you can enable hints by pressing the "Ъ" key. Controls: standard set.
Comment: Brilliant. Concise. Everything is clear without words. And most importantly, almost grammatically correct. Especially "about the positioning of cubes in a glass." Frankly, without the glass, you won't understand anything.
And it's not entirely clear to the poor user where to find the game TEREMTIS? After all, it is still an analog of the game on IBM! But "SOLON" is completely indifferent - whether such a game exists or not. The main task is to deliver the coveted number of descriptions in the next issue of the "500 games" collection. And let the talk in these "descriptions" be about the same game, the main thing is that the names are different.
Why shouldn't "SOLON" publish a new collection of "5000 games," in which magnificent descriptions of yet non-existent programs can be provided? And who knows, maybe someone will write these programs. And to fit this plethora of games into the volume of 13 printed sheets, descriptions can be given in approximately the following form:
────────────────────────────────
GAME DESCRIPTION
────────────────────────────────
LELITA Standard set
DUSSЯ-20 Non-standard set
JUTKIY WILLY You'll figure it out yourself
COMMAND BOTTLE IBM analog.
BOLDER NE DASH Rating 5%.
LASER SAD Continuation of the game
LASER SMRAD.
────────────────────────────────
Dear users! If you want to rush through all the markets of the country in search of games like COMMAND BOTTLE and LASER SMRAD - wait for the next collection of game descriptions from SOLON!
2. SBS Company (BEST GAMES)
Authors of the description: Ivanov Ivan
Petrov Petr
Sidorov Sidor
All rights to the description have been transferred to the SBS company by the compilers and are protected by the "Copyright Law of the Russian Federation". Reprinting for commercial purposes without the consent of "SBS" is prohibited.
┌──────┐
│TETRIS│
└──────┘
One of the best games. You need to place shapes in a glass. Recommendations for passing levels:
1st level; 1st line:
Pay attention to the shape falling from above. With a light movement of your hand, you should tilt the joystick. This way you can move the shape in the direction you want. When you are sure that the shape is on the vertical you need, press the button on the joystick. The shape will drop down.
This program also has a wonderful feature: if you tilt the joystick towards yourself, the shape will rotate around its axis. Watch closely to ensure that shapes are placed in the glass evenly. When the row is filled, you will see an interesting effect - all the shapes in that row will disappear without a trace! Thus, you have completed the first line of the first level.
1st level, 2nd line: See above.
1st level, 3rd line: etc.
Comment: Well, regarding the rights to the description and the compilers, everything is clear. But who specifically wrote this so-called instruction is impossible to understand. Either Sidor or Petya Petrov. But that doesn't matter. The main thing is that any description can be printed, even from "SOLON," or from anywhere else, and the authors can be listed all together. Mixed up. And then good luck figuring out who exactly transferred these rights to our esteemed gentlemen.
As for some descriptions in the "BEST GAMES" collections, all satirical writers and humorists have long ridiculed Soviet "operating instructions" that were attached to domestic products. For example, take the spoon.
Name of publisher: "WOODEN SPOON"
Article: BRR-R-200
GOST: LD-1678
Operating instructions:
The wooden spoon (hereinafter referred to as the spoon) is intended for scooping food from a plate. The spoon consists of a scoop and a handle.
Take the spoon by the handle with your right hand (if you are left-handed, then with your left), dip it into the plate and wait a moment until the scoop fills up. If the food is dry and solid, scoop out the desired amount with a slight effort of your hand. Then carefully bring the spoon to your mouth and transfer the contents of the scoop into your mouth.
NOTE: Don't forget to open your mouth.
Warranty obligations: The manufacturer guarantees the normal operation of the spoon under the condition of proper use for one year. During this period, spoons can be exchanged for new ones...
Patent N324. All rights have been transferred by the inventor to the manufacturing company and are protected by the Law of the Russian Federation on the Protection of Copyrights.
3. COMPUTER NOVEL
EARTHQUAKE
(based on the game TETRIS)
Hello! It's me! I want to tell you about my adventures.
Recently there was an earthquake. Everything collapsed from above, and I didn't even quite understand what was what. I saw boulders flying at me. And I felt energy flowing into my hands. And I started moving these boulders. Left, right, and down, down... And then a new level. I thought I would manage to sort out all the boulders. And I did. You should have seen how beautifully my name was written in the leaderboard! In short, I completed the task. I wish the same for you...
Comment: Recently, descriptions written in the genre of computer novel have started to appear in various publications. It is only to be welcomed for everyone who loves and actively develops this genre. But sometimes, completely uninteresting, boring "works" come to light. And all this happens for two reasons: either an uninteresting game is chosen (or an interesting one, but completely unsuitable for the genre of "computer novel"), or the "legend" told by the author is simply dull. And in general, having gone through and studied a game thoroughly is not a reason to write a novel about it.
A computer novel is a delicate matter, and the author needs to weigh all the nuances a thousand times before picking up the pen.
EPILOGUE
Today's conversation has been brewing for a long time. There were times when game descriptions wandered in "samizdat" collections through the markets of the country, and readers closed their eyes to the quality of the works of the first computer enthusiasts. But now, when many companies have begun to work for the benefit of all computer fans and users have the opportunity to choose, we have tried to tell in our "guide" about those collections of descriptions that are sold in stores.
After getting acquainted with our "guide," someone may ask, where are the positive examples? There are positive examples as well. The collection of game descriptions "COMPUTER WORLDS" ("PITER" St. Petersburg) is already another level. Solid, high-quality, and beautiful. More of such books would be great.
However, both "SOLON" and "SBS" have their merits. "SOLON" has always presented descriptions nicely, and in the "BEST GAMES" collections of the "SBS" company, there are many good, useful game descriptions. Let's just not go overboard.
Contents of the publication: Spectrofon #08
- Экспертиза - Дмитрий Усманов
Strategy guide for the ZX Spectrum version of HEROQUEST, detailing character actions, mission tips, and important game features.
- Дебют - Анатолий Хоробрых
Review of the strategic game THEY STOLE A MILLION, focusing on planning heists and using a team. Analysis of the game's mechanics and mission structure. Tips on managing resources and executing plans effectively.
- Экзамен
Quiz on the game 'THEY STOLE A MILLION' from the debut section, testing players' knowledge. Previous quiz winners on games 'HERO OF THE LANCE' and 'THE SENTINEL' announced. Fresh magazine issue awarded to winners.
- Обзор
Overview of recent Spectrum programs, focusing on Space Crusade and Dizzy-X games with strategic and adventure elements, plus a game chart.
- С миру по биту
Reader letters discuss ZX Spectrum hardware issues, game preservation, and editorial graphics. A competition for the magazine's logo is announced. Opinions on various ZX Spectrum games are shared.
- С миру по биту
Parody on game descriptions, exploring styles from detailed to absurd across different publishers, focusing on Tetris.
- Реклама
Advertising opportunities and distribution locations for Spectrofon magazine, collaboration invites for authors and artists.
